Ethan leaves the church

I walked out of the church office feeling like I barely recognized myself.

Rachel was married.

That fact kept coming back to me as I crossed the parking lot. She wasn’t just someone I’d met at the outreach event. She was John’s wife—the pastor’s wife. I’d known that when I walked into the office.

And yet, instead of feeling completely sick about it, I felt something else mixed in with the guilt.

Excitement.

That bothered me more than anything.

After everything I’d told Rachel about Sarah, I had somehow gone and done the same thing again, this time with a married woman. I had expected the realization to hit me harder—to make me feel ashamed enough that I’d want to run from the whole situation.

It didn’t.

I felt guilty, but not in the way I thought I should.

There was also a strange sense of confidence underneath it all. Rachel had wanted me. She was older, married, and someone I’d initially thought was completely out of reach. Yet somehow I’d ended up in that office with her.

I sat in my car and stared through the windshield.

What was happening to me?

A few months ago, I would’ve been terrified of even being in a situation like this. Now I was sitting there thinking about it with a mixture of guilt and satisfaction.

Back inside the office, Rachel was still processing what had happened.

She knew John would eventually come back. She knew she was married. She knew exactly how complicated the situation was.

And yet, despite those thoughts, she couldn’t deny that part of her had enjoyed it.

I started the car.

My phone buzzed.

Sarah.

I looked at her name on the screen.

For a moment, I thought about everything I’d done since arriving at college.

I’d wanted to take the blinders off.

I’d wanted to become more independent and actually experience my final year.

Somewhere along the way, I’d become much more confident than I’d ever been.

The problem was that I was beginning to realize confidence could take me in either direction.

I drove back toward campus, still thinking about Rachel and how I was inside her tight asshole. A place not even her husband has gone before.