"A number of young straight women."

“This is a very serious matter, miss…”

“Gretchen.”

“Well, Gretchen,” says Sheriff Candace Brown, a tough no-nonsense brunette in her early thirties who maybe looks a bit like a young Frances McDormand. (Look it up, she was hot, not that there’s anything wrong with her now.) Deputy Iris Ruiz, a slim Latina who looks surprisingly like Melissa Fumero, stands beside her, scowling with her arms crossed. “We have it on good authority that, only recently, the lesbians in this bar are known to have removed the pants from a number of young straight women and spanked them all over the bar.”

“Maybe. So what?”

“This is a lesbian bar. You’re not allowed to spank straight women in here.”

“Why not?”

“It’s ridiculous. I mean, I myself am straight, as is Deputy Ruiz here. The thought that I could be… well, anyway. It’s also alleged that you declined to return the pants in question the next day, thus obliging the unfortunate young straight women to return home without them.”

“Yep.”

“Well, that’s theft. Theft of pants. Panties, too, if I’m not mistaken. Is Roxy here?”

“Nope.”

“Are you running the bar in her absence?”

“Yep.”

“Then I’m entitled to take you in. Iris, get the cuffs.”

“With pleasure,” scoffs Iris, fire flashing in her eyes as she brandishes her handcuffs. She takes one threatening step towards Gretchen, who pulls out her freeze ray, and says “Freeze.”

“What? Why should I freeze?”

“Oh, I forgot the word does nothing. You have to actually pull the trigger.”

“Ah! Why can’t I move?”

“You’ve been frozen,” explains Gretchen. She pulls down Candace’s navy-blue uniform trousers, then Iris’s, to the appalled protests of the girls and the sniggers of the handful of lesbian bikers playing pool in the corner. Both women are wearing regulation white police-issue panties. Gretchen pulls these down as well, and smacks each girl firmly on the naked ass before cuffing their hands behind their back. “Now, unfreeze!”

Nothing happens.

“Wait, why do I keep thinking it’s like, voice-activated?”