Tired of what ifs.

I seriously have no idea how this works, but the moment we went back into the house and into the living room, all bunched up, groaning from discomfort and sighing with relief, all while Cake yelled at us… this big building finally started feeling like home a bit more.

“You’re not gonna feed her?” Mila asked me.

“The feeder did its thing, she’s just being dramatic,” I told her.

I sat down on the couch in front of the TV, exhausted not physically, but mentally. Navigating the new social environment that was university was already tiring enough, but the stuff with Grace, Sarah and especially that stuff with Fernanda had left me with a mild headache born from stress alone.

“So… I don’t think you are, but I’m gonna ask anyway.” Sarah stood behind me, leaning over me and looking at me almost upside down. “You’re… not mad at us, are you?”

I smiled wryly at her. “I’m a bit frustrated, but not with either of you, no.”

“Good.” Sarah jumped over the couch and sat beside me in a surprisingly smooth motion. She rested her head on my shoulder and let out a heavy sigh. “I’d kind of understand if you were mad, though. Actually, you don’t ever get angry at us.”

“We just moved in together. Give it time,” Alice said, giggling. She kissed the top of my head. “I’m gonna make some tea. Anyone want anything?”

“I’ll have some tea, too,” Grace said, sitting to my right.

“Me three,” Noelle said.

“I’m fine, thanks,” Mila told her.

I sighed. “Can you give Cake a treat? I left them in one of the drawers.”

Alice chuckled. “Sure. Come on, Cake. Treat.”

The cat smartly followed Alice to the kitchen.

“Hey, don’t ignore me,” Sarah said, pulling on my shirt. “You’re not holding back some sort of anger, are you?”

“I mean, you’ve never done anything for me to get angry at. Maybe frustrated or annoyed at most, but never angry. It’s the complete opposite, in fact. What kind of anger would I be holding back?”

“I don’t know, jealousy?” Mila offered innocently. “We like sharing you, so we don’t get jealous at all, but it clearly upsets you when we get hit on.”

“It’s mostly when the guys keep insisting after you tell them no, though,” I told her. “I trust you girls. I just don’t want you to be bothered or harassed.”

Grace groaned loudly. “God, you’re too good. Sometimes I fear you’re the type who’d get cheated on for months before finding out if you were dating anyone else.”

“Wait, what?” I asked.

Sarah clicked her tongue. “I hate that I get what you mean.”

“I hate that I agree,” Mila said.

“Hold on, what am I missing?” Noelle asked. “He’s attentive, kind, loving and, considering the boundaries we’ve set, loyal. WHY would he get cheated on?”

“Because he’s also trusting! Noelle, I know AT LEAST seven girls from high school who cheated on guys who said they trusted them. Nice, innocent, dumb guys.” Grace said. “Sometimes I think, ‘what if Oliver ended up dating someone else and didn’t have the mental connection’ and I get pissed thinking someone would cheat on him.”

“First I’m hearing of these thoughts,” I told her.

“Well, duh, it’s not like I’m comfortable with these ideas myself. I’m kind of regretting saying it, now that I think about it.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter because you’re overlooking something,” I told Grace.

“And that is?”

“That if not for Frey possessing me, I’d still be single and remain that way forever.”

“Oh, come on. That’s not true!” Mila argued. “Sure, maybe we wouldn’t all be together like this, but you don’t need magic powers to have a girlfriend! You’re plenty charming without it.”

“I disagree, but I don’t feel like arguing about it.”

“Argue, dammit!” Sarah shook me with both playfulness and frustration. “Tell us we’re wrong! Don’t just agree! Argh!”

“But he’s not agreeing…” Noelle noted with a giggle.

“Look, in the end none of us knows what would’ve happened if Frey hadn’t shown up, but she did, turned my life on its head and dragged you all down with me. I’d rather not think of ‘what ifs’ because I’ve been doing that all my life and it hasn’t worked out well for me.”

“See, that's what I mean,” Grace said. “Sometimes I think about it, but it doesn’t matter and it’s stupid.”

“Why do you always end up thinking about stuff like that?” Alice asked her, coming out of the kitchen with Cake in her arms as she fed her one of those tube treats. “Is it those books you read?”

Grace grumbled. “It’s not! Just… I’ve seen people betray each other, and just imagining how we’d feel if it happened to us… kind of terrifies me. I suppose all this recent crap put it at the forefront of my brain.”

“I suppose the issue with being so smart is that you tend to overthink things a lot,” Noelle said.

Mila smirked and puffed her chest. “That’s why I don’t have that problem! HA!”

“She just called herself dumb…” Sarah muttered.

“So did Noelle, didn’t she?” Alice said.

“Wait, did I?” the redhead wondered with a raised eyebrow.

I snickered before I started to laugh, and quickly Maria’s words came back to me. It’s true that there’s plenty of horrible people in the world, men and women alike, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying to form bonds.

Frey may have given me a much needed, if also very weird push, but I think I can be proud of the fact that I didn’t back away. I was given an opportunity and made of it the best I could. Now there are so many people I can call friends.

Navigating this new social environment was exhausting, yeah… but I think I was starting to look forward to it more bit by bit.

Author's Note: Chapters 1-300 now available in PDF and EPUB formats at Patreon.