Chapter 66 – Grace helps

Sitting across from Grace, her foot propped up in my lap where I can rub and massage it properly, it’s clear that I didn’t hear her wrong on the phone with Suzy. From getting home and making dinner, to cleaning up and sitting here to give her a foot massage, she hasn’t changed in attitude at all. But where she’d have wanted me to change into something more comfortable, meaning a nighty or some other more sexual outfit, she actually told me to stay in my office skirt and blouse.

It's also clear that Suzy was right. I’m finding it difficult to start a conversation topic. I know that Grace is calming down from work, getting her mind clear. Yeah, she’s flipping the channels around and pausing every once in a while on some show or another, but she’s not watching any of them. Even though I know she’s not concentrating on what she’s watching and has nothing going on in her thoughts, its still difficult for me to just interrupt her. Half a year ago it would have been easy as pie, but now? Now, it feels wrong to start a conversation with my own roommate.

As much as I want to do the same thing as Grace, relax down into the moment and just let her take over, I have to address this concern, so after I finish with her foot and bring the other up and start rubbing, I clear my throat roughly, keep my eyes on her beautifully painted toenails, and start talking quietly, “Uhh, Grace? Um, could we talk about what you and Suzy discussed on the phone? I mean, you know I was there, right? Listening?”

Grace doesn’t tense up or react physically to the interruption. She just murmurs “Mm hm” and keeps flipping through the channels. Not feeling like she was rebuffing my attempt to talk makes it much easier to continue. It may not be an invitation, but it’s not a denial either. It’s at the very least permission which eases the tension in my chest. “Well, I appreciate you keeping up the façade that I established with Suzy. Especially talking about Trixie as Darnell. That really helped. But before you and I talked about this same thing a few days ago and I thought we decided that we’d keep up our sexual relationship. I mean, you even gave me that action with my fingers to show if I needed to really say no to something. So, um, like, did you mean what you told Suzy?”

Grace still hasn’t reacted, which is a little worrying. It’s as if I’m not talking about anything important. After she moves her foot, indicating a tight area that I’d missed, she just adds another non-committal “Mm hm”

I wait for more but when the TV flips to the news station I know that she’s already mentally moved on. Instead of taking the hint that there’s nothing more to talk about though, I swallow dryly and push on, “Well, so I guess I don’t understand. I really like the relationship we’ve established. With this new prosthetic you get to play with me, and I thought you really liked that too. And with my body fully healed we were having fun. I mean, you liked playing with my breasts and showing me what certain things felt like by having me mirror your actions was… I mean, wow, it was powerful. I loved it. I LOVE it. So, um… why would you want to stop?”

Grace flexes her foot in my hands, and I freeze in place, moving only so I can look up into her eyes which are now starting down at me intently. “Paris, you were there listening so I shouldn’t have to go over this with you unless you really are going blonde on the inside. Your gender therapist thinks having less sexual relations with women will help you have more and better sexual relations with men. I don’t want to be greedy and stunt your gender growth, so I’ll sacrifice my desires for your general improvement. We don’t have to sacrifice anything else though. You heard her, you can still take care of me, and I’ll still do the lions share of the thinking while you are here, so you have a safe submissive place. Just no sex here. None. Okay baby?”

I feel like I’ve been tossed into the twilight zone. Grace knows I don’t want to be with men. She knows I’m confused on the whole male female thing but ultimately want to return to being a man when this is all done, but she KNOWS I don’t want to be with men sexually. But she’s now sounding like I’d given some indication that I wanted that. That I needed some help getting to be with men. As much as it feels wrong, feels like my chest is tightening up almost painfully, I **** myself to be true and disagree with Grace, “No. No, it’s not okay. I mean, I’m sorry. I… it’s me I’m sure, but I don’t understand. I don’t want to be with men and with everything going on, with this prosthetic and the way it makes me feel, the way I’m almost always getting horny and turned on, if I can’t have sex with you it… I don’t want to have sex with men, and this will help that. Why?”

Grace sighs and turns the TV off. Lifting her foot out of my lap she reaches down and takes my hand to guide me into sitting up on her lap. This position should feel silly as she’s not bigger than me. Hell, with these curves and breasts and ass, I’m now bigger than her. But it’s still powerfully effective as she holds me and comforts me in her lap. Combine that with the tone of voice she uses, like she’s explaining why the sky is blue to a curious child, and it just pushes me further and further into that sweet sub space, “Paris, it’s okay. I know it’s confusing. But you shouldn’t say that you don’t want to be with men. You should be saying that you don’t know IF you want to be with men. From what I understand it’s difficult when people go through a gender transition and their sexual orientation changes along with it, but it’s natural. Or at least it’s not UNnatural. I know you like having sex with women and I doubt that will ever go away. You’re so enthusiastic about it! But Suzy is right. You’ve had relations that a person with no interest in men wouldn’t have. You’ve jacked your boss off more than you jacked yourself off before. And with as much as you talk about how big and thick he is down there, I swear it’s like you’re admiring it. Not with jealousy, but with desire.”

I feel myself blush, remembering how I talked about giving Mal his handjobs to Grace. She’d helped me deal with it by having me talk about it over and over. She thought it was sexy as it made me sound more feminine, and I had to admit just talking about it calmly instead of nervously did make it feel like just another activity. Like sharpening a pencil or typing out a letter. But that was HER suggestion to talk about it calmly. I did not and do not desire Mal’s cock. I’m not even jealous of it. Well, not THAT jealous of it.

Grace keeps going though and my heart sinks, realizing where she’s coming from, “And then there’s Darnell. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? Trixie called yesterday while you were out on your date with Mal and wanted to make sure you were going to meet her and Darnell after work tomorrow. I told her I’d make sure you’d be there and just asked why you’d be meeting both of them. Imagine my surprise when Trixie excitedly told me how much you enjoyed giving Darnell a blow job? How you stayed in their room and watched them fuck then cleaned them both off, licking and sucking Darnell’s cock clean. I have to admit, Trixie paints a damned sexy picture. Especially when she talks about how you seemed to orgasm so much more powerfully with his cock in your mouth as opposed to when you were with just her.”

I try to tell Grace that I just hadn’t gotten around to telling her about my date with Trixie, but as I open my mouth Grace surprises me by leaning in and giving me a kiss. This isn’t a kiss of sensuality or passion, it’s more of a motherly or aunty kiss. But it’s still powerful enough to silence me and let her continue, “Look, I’m not saying you switched sides or anything. I don’t think you’ve gone all cock crazy and that I’m going to have to lock you in to keep you away from the boys. But I was already thinking that you were way past being on the fence. You talk a good game about not wanting this but for someone that doesn’t want to be with men, you sure do get a lot of cock in your hand and now in your mouth. And let’s face it, you don’t put up much of a fight to stop Mal from fingering you like some prom date. I think he got you off more than me those first few months. Your whole sexual aura is colored by being with men. So, when Suzy called, she didn’t change my mind, she just solidified something that was already going on behind my curtains. It makes sense. She thinks its to help you be with men because you already want to be with men. That’s fine because that’s what you want her to believe, you devious little girl, but for me this will serve the same purpose. It will help you be with men which will help you form an informed opinion on whether you like being with men. Only if you’re with men can you know if you do or don’t like it. You’re stuck in this body, why not get the full experience.”

I probably would have been silent anyway as being in Graces lap, feeling her hand slowly rub up and down my arm in a comforting motion, hearing her calm cool thought out voice, all pushed me into that role that she like me in and that I like being in. Her subby girlfriend. Or rather now, her subby girl friend. The shock of what she’s laid out though, like icing on a delicious cake, just tops that subby feeling and knocks the words out of my head. I honestly have no idea what to say to her. I completely disagree with her, but her logic isn’t exactly flawed or ill considered. It’s just wrong.

As Grace stands us both up and smooths out my skirt she nods and turns me toward my room, “Now go ahead and get ready for bed. I’ll show you that we’ll still play but for a little while, say at least a week or so, there won’t be any actions between us. You’ve had a busy few days so take a long hot shower, wash your hair, and get a good night’s sleep.”

Grace’s words, as I step into my room to get a towel and my robe, are like a final knife in my back. “Oh, and Trixie called after your session to tell me that my vacation request came through. I took the opportunity to tell her about your reduction in sex with women and increase in sex with men. She seemed really excited about that and said Darnell will absolutely love it!”

I do as Grace suggests and take a long hot shower, luxuriating with a thorough washing of my hair. After I get dry, put on all my lotions, dry my hair, and thoroughly brush it in front of the vanity, I get ready and slip into bed under my pretty pink blanket at nine o’clock. Drifting off to sleep I know that I’ll have to talk to Trixie as Grace is a lost cause at this point. Even if I had the ability to stand up to her, she sounds fully committed to ‘helping’ me this way. So, if I want any normal sex, if I can consider any sex as normal with all these changes to my body, I only have Trixie left. I’ll just have to see her without Darnell.

That might not be easy though. If I put myself in Darnell’s shoes, I’d be looking at my sexy hot girlfriend who loves to have sex but doesn’t like to give blow jobs and her sexy hot girl friend who supposedly loves to give blow jobs but doesn’t want to have sex and enjoyed herself with him and his girlfriend. Yeah, I’d push to be with Trixie and me too. As often as possible.

The next morning, I head in to Sculpted Dream for my follow up appointment. Stephen checks on all the work and says that all the external healing is complete. He reminds me that internally it will take several months for all my muscles and fat to finish moving around and mending but that beyond some achiness, I shouldn’t notice it.

We have a short discussion about how the reversals will go, but Stephen reminds me that a lot of that planning will have to happen once we’re able to move forward since the exact state of my internal healing will dictate what can and can’t be done. We talk about the prosthetic as it’s time to schedule its replacement, but after going over the advantages and disadvantages of the other options, I finally agree that we can simply replace this prosthetic with another one just like it. Beyond the fact that it allows me to dress in anything I want to wear and be seen naked by anybody without having to worry about hiding my gender, there are the concerns about documenting a reason why I’d get all of this physical work done surgically and then reverse course on my most intimate area. Maybe if I’d laid out something different to Suzy, I could lay a foundation for wanting to go back to having a penis, but she believes I’m on board with this. Even the threat of insurance investigating me further is enough to make me just accept the status quo.

I just need to get through a few more months and then we can get back to normal. Or at least as close to ‘normal’ as I’ll get.

Stephen had warned me that after we were done with our appointment nearly everybody in the building was going to want to see me. I was their new poster child for gender affirming surgery and was being used as an example in their literature. Even the surgeons and techs that had never met me, now know about me and want to meet me. That was bad enough, but at least I was aware it was going to happen and was tolerable. What wasn’t tolerable and almost had me in tears as I left was the meeting afterward with Dr. Montgomery. She was happy and pleased with herself and ready to keep moving forward on ‘my gender journey’.

I tried to stop her from explaining the ‘next steps’ but she just powered through my protests. And it wasn’t just me. Both Stephen and Dr. Lockwood tried to get her to talk about this at a different time, noticing my discomfort, but she just kept going. Stephen had roughly gone over what the next steps would be if I were to continue. Just like before, I needed to know so that I could talk about them with Suzy and seem like I was interested in the process even if I wasn’t ‘ready’ for them. But it’s one thing to hear about the surgeries, orchiectomies, penectomies, clitoroplasties, labiaplasties, and vaginoplasties, and quite another to have slides and photographs and hear about them in gory detail.

Surgically removing my testicles, slicing up my penis to make the head of it into my permanent clitoris and the shaft into my labia, coring out part of my body to make a vagina and lining it with the remains of my penis to completely change my genitals from male to female… with no way back… was what Dr. Montgomery wanted to do to me.

Stephen tried to console me on my way out, saying he’d never let that happen, but his words didn’t offer any comfort. He also thought he’d be able to stop them from implanting breasts, from thinning my waist, from giving me an ass and hips and thighs, from permanently removing my body hair, and from surgically altering my face and voice. And look at me now.

I left knowing how important it was to keep Suzy from EVER saying I was ready for the next step.