Chapter 65 – Suzy helps

Sitting in Suzy’s office and her asking how my sex life is going, makes it difficult to not think about last night and this morning with Mal. Bowing out to him, committing to making him feel good, to being what he sees me as… a good girl… was sexy and erotic and strangely empowering. I felt more in control, more powerful by submitting to him than I did when I struggled against him. And his obvious appreciation wasn’t lost on me. It made me feel good. But at the same time, it just feels so wrong. I made myself into the exact girl I’d want to have sex with. I mean, of course I was good at it because I wanted to be WITH that girl and not BE that girl.

Worse was thinking I avoided a ‘reward’. A return orgasm. Having Mal do that to me in public was… well, if I’m going to be honest anywhere it may as well be here, it was a major turn on. I wonder if it would be that erotic and potent if Grace took control like that out in public. She certainly does the same thing in private. She takes over, tells me what to do, and I simply do it. That was Mal in the restaurant. Did it make it more or less erotic that his wife saved me from the humiliation of cumming in front of everyone? Did it make it more or less erotic that she called me a slut as she left? I can’t answer those questions as I was lost in a sexual haze for the rest of the day. I barely even minded giving Mal his hand job at the end of the day before I came here for my session with Suzy.

But I can’t tell Suzy all that. She thinks I’m past that. That I already submit to Mal like that. That he already does things like that to me in public. So, I can’t share that I’m having trouble dealing with how feminizing and mind breaking it is, when she thinks I’m already past that. But I have to tell her something.

I let out a frustrated little sigh, knowing that if I’m going to tell a truth, even one that’s bent to fit the reality I spin for Suzy, and can’t talk about Mal, that only leaves one real sexual encounter. I just have to get my head around it as the names are now going to be so confusing, “So, yeah there was something new. Darnell, um, like, brought her… his girlfriend in for a threesome. Kind of. We didn’t all have sex together, but well, I told you how he did that thing with the fruit? Pushed it into my mouth with his penis? Well, he had me blindfolded and ramped up and then fooled me by having his girlfriend in front of me while he knelt behind me. He continued to kiss my neck and play with my boobies and my pussy and, I uh… I ate his girlfriend out.”

Hearing my sing song voice talk about it makes that sound so sexy. Of course, that’s the damned lesbian fantasy that I’ve been living out with Trixie and now it’s not just a lesbian fantasy. A threesome with two girls is another amazing fantasy. Unless you’re one of the girls giving head to the guy.

Suzy and I talk about the session, about how I was surprised to find out that Trixie and Darnell were a couple, how they had sex together with me still tied up, had me clean them both up afterward, and then how they invited me to sleep with both of them but I refused and wanted to sleep alone.

I guess I’m happy that Suzy doesn’t seem to have a problem with my gender swapped story of my ‘boyfriend’ Darnell bringing his girlfriend Trixie into our sexual fun and having Trixie and I have sex for the ‘first time’. At the same time though, Suzy seems to be seeing my discomfort and associating it with a female coming into my ‘normal’ relationship with Darnell.

Before we move on, Grace suggests that I tell Darnell and Trixie that I enjoyed myself but that I want to see Darnell exclusively and not engage in ‘lesbian fantasies’ with Trixie. So long as I keep up my gender swapping, that is exactly what I plan to do. No more Darnell, just Trixie and me.

When Suzy asks me how my discussion with Grace went, I tell her almost exactly what happened. That we agreed to continue to have sex but that our dominant submissive relationship would continue and even grow stronger. As I’m telling her the details though, I can see that she’s not happy about them. When I finish talking, Suzy takes several long moments to finish writing her notes before setting aside her book and pen and looking directly at me. “Paris, I think this is an area where you have some difficulty conveying what you really want to your girlfriend. You’ve been very clear and very consistent here with me in expressing your desire to explore more relationships with men and less sexual relationships with women. At the same time, you’ve expressed a strong attraction to the submissive nature of women, or at least how you perceive women, and that Grace gives you the most powerful experience of that. That you get to care for her as your mother cared for your father. That’s a very powerful bond to make, but I imagine your mother had trouble discussing her sexual needs with your father. It would have fit that time frame when women deferred to their men. A deference that you seem to enjoy giving to both Mal and Darnell.”

I see where Suzy is going with this. If what I was telling her was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, it would be a solid conclusion. It makes sense TO her because I’m making it up FOR her. But I’m afraid she’s circling in on a situation where my own fiction is going to bite me in the ass. My fears are confirmed as Suzy continues, “What I want to do is talk to Grace. We’ve talked a couple times before, but I don’t do it without your permission. I’d like you to hear what an adult relationship between two women can be like, without the sexual complications. Would you be willing to listen in without saying anything?”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Without a good reason as to why I wouldn’t be okay with it, besides saying ‘well no because you will see right through the lies I painted for you’ I simply swallow dryly and nod.

Suzy pulls a landline phone onto the table between us, puts it on speakerphone and dials Grace’s number. Their conversation back and forth is maddening as I feel walls being built up around me in my name that I don’t want to be there and feel trapped in preventing them from being cemented into place.

“Hello?”

“Hello this is Dr. Martin. Suzy. Is this Grace?”

“Oh hi Suzy, yes. What can I do for you? Is Paris okay?”

“Paris is doing fine. She’s struggling with talking to you about something though. She feels that the submissive side she shows is preventing her from fully expressing her sexual desires. To be clear, she has enjoyed her time with you very much. But it’s counteracting a lot of the work we’re doing here. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Mmm, I’m afraid I do. Paris talked to me and said that she was supposed to stop her sexual relationship with me. But she turned her charm on, and I figured she changed her mind. I’ve seen it with my girlfriends before. I’m open with all my girls, and especially with Paris since this is new for her, in that they can stop any time they want. I just know that Paris is a very sexual being.”

“Well, that’s very true. Most transitioning women I meet have an ongoing sexual life, but I believe Paris is the only one with two boyfriends and a girlfriend. But she has a deep-seated belief that women have sexual relationships with men. Submissive relationships with men. She’s getting those two parts in two different ways. A beautiful submissive relationship with you and a sexual relationship with both Darnell and Mal. Just today she talked to me about Darnell bringing in his girlfriend and it was clear she didn’t like it. But as a good girl does, she deferred to Darnell’s judgement and allowed it.”

“Oh, I can believe that. I’ve heard about Paris and Darnell quite a bit…” I relax a bit, as Grace and I had discussed previously how I gender flipped Trixie into Darnell. But my relaxation is short lived as Grace seems to embellish the relationship far more than what even I have with Suzy, “…and she just loves having sex with him. I can’t blame her. I’m not personally attracted to men, but if I were I’d be all over Darnell. Paris tells me that she could spend hours sucking him off. That she loves worshiping his big black cock. That she loves feeling his thick fingers between her legs and dreams about having real women’s genitals so that he can mount her. Hell, she told me she’d dreamed of having him take her ass just so she could have more of him. But he’s big and she’s not exactly an anal queen. Anyway, yeah, I know that she loves Darnell and would do almost anything for him.”

“That’s right. But I think part of the reason she hasn’t moved further with her sexual relationship with either Darnell or Mal is, frankly, you. She’s getting that submissive sexual satisfaction from you and it’s holding her back from seeking it out from the men that she clearly wants more from. She told you your and her relationship would be temporary, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah she, she mentioned that. I hadn’t thought of it that way before, but she hasn’t talked about her other relationships being temporary. Just ours.”

“You see, it’s her own hesitancy to be fully open with you that’s preventing her from sharing that with you. She doesn’t see a temporary nature with either Mal or Darnell. It wouldn’t surprise me if Paris wasn’t having bridal fantasies about one or the other. But you, she simply fantasizes about sexually pleasing because that’s what the submissive does in a relationship and I don’t think she knows either how to express that to a dominant that she truly cares about or how to extradite herself from that relationship and maintain the friendship she had with you before.”

I wouldn’t normally worry about this as I’ve talked to Grace about most of this before. But hearing Suzy say it makes it sound so much firmer. More real. Worse than Suzy sounding real was Grace sounding like it was all making sense. Like this was more believable than what I was telling her. And sadly, Grace just wasn’t that good of an actress to be ‘faking’ this with Suzy.

“I’ll be honest Suzy, I’m concerned about that too. I don’t want to lose Paris as a friend. And if I’m fully honest, I don’t want to lose Suzy as my little subby friend. I see the joy in her eyes when she cooks and cleans and takes care of me. I’d say she likes that even more than the sex, and I’m not sure I could take that away from her.”

Suzy makes eye contact with me, and I feel the spike of her point being made. I also feel like it’s hitting home with Grace, “Well, it might be new for you, but that side of the relationship doesn’t have to change. In fact, it would help keep Paris on the straight and narrow. That way she’s still a caring home maker for a friend, but any sexual frustrations that can come from that would be directed where she deep down wants it. To the men in her life. If you can continue that relationship, being a dominant in Paris’ life, it would truly help her out in the long term. You’d just have to limit the sexual side of it. At the very least, no sexual contact with Paris directly. I imagine that could be seen as an attractive situation though to one like you, having a dominant sexual relationship with someone outside of the house and a dominant nonsexual relationship with your flat mate.”

By the time Suzy and Grace finish talking it’s clear that Grace is on board. I hope deep down that Grace is just laying it on thick about stopping our sexual relationship, but I feel that she’s not. I’ve never heard her sound so happy about being NONsexual with me since I started playing this part.

The phone call takes up the rest of my session so once Suzy and Grace hang up, Suzy ends the session and says she can’t wait to hear how my life at home changes. It’s only once I’m on the train back to my apartment that I realize why this could be so problematic. I JUST explored that submissive side of myself fully with someone beyond Grace. And it felt just as good. If I can’t get that from Grace, there’s a part of me that knows where else I CAN get that type of sexual tension. That sexual mental spiritual pleasure that I’m only starting to understand.

With Mal. By being the submissive little girl, HE wants me to be.