Family Matters

The six of us enter the cafe to find it a bustling place this time of day.

“Mia.” Rebecca says, pointing to the last free spot. “Go and claim that table for us.”

“Yes, Mother.” Mia glances to the glass cabinet where all the sweet treats were laid out on display. “May I have a strawberry scone?”

“No. Too many empty calories.” Her mother says. “I will order for you.”

“Yes, Mother.” Mia hurries to grab our table.

Had I not been so close to Heather I would not have heard her above the bustle whisper to Lily. “Tell her to come over on Sunday. I’ll make her some scones.”

Lily smiles and nods. “I’ll have my usual.”

“Black coffee, extra large, and bagel with cream cheese. Got it.”

Lily pauses and looks to me then shakes her head in disbelief once more before weaving through the other patrons to go and sit with her cousin. I watch closely as Lily leans in to pass Heather’s message along and cannot help but smile as a big grin brightens the shy woman’s face. Again I am struck by her appearance. In size, shape, face and skin tone she hadn’t a hint of a family resemblance to the others. Clearly her father was black and she must have taken after his side in her looks.

After a short wait we step to the counter and the ladies make their orders, Rebecca and Heather each ordering for their daughters as well, and from each one I feel that I glean a little about their personalities. For Rebecca and Mia it is two cups of Darjeeling, neat, with a fruit bowl and plain yogurt. Julie initially tries to order a hamburger and coke before settling for something they actually offered which ended up being a half dozen brownies and a hot chocolate. For Heather it is a BLT on a butter croissant with a side of ratatouille topped with Parmigiana Reggiano with a Chai latte.

When it came to me I hold up my lunch bag. “I’m set.”

“You can order something. It’s okay.” Heather says, rubbing the small of my back in a way she was clearly trying to hide from the others.

“I’m good.” I insist as I pat the bag. “Just between you and me, I’ve been looking forward to this all morning.”

Heather smiles. “Okay.”

Without any discussion on splitting the bill or who was paying Rebecca takes care of it and soon we are taking our seats around the table, Julie and I borrowing some unused chair from the next one over. In a circle around the square table we settle in. To my left was Heather then Julie, Rebecca, Mia, and finally Lily to my right who was continuing to give me looks of annoyance and incredulity. We barely had a chance to get through the initial ice-breaking chit-chat before our order arrives. What follows is a fascinating moment where the women take a minute to just savor the aromas of their food and drink.

Trying my best to fit in I quietly open my lunch to reveal a thick tuna salad and cheese sandwich kept cool and fresh by a little blue ice pack, a bunch of sliced veggies, an apple, a blue sports drink, and a chocolate chip cookie. I flash Heather a thankful grin which causes her to smile yet again. Damn she had nice smile. Peering around I find myself the center of attention. Never had I found myself the focus of so many beautiful women all at once, a heady feeling to say the least. It was only when Julie reached down to adjust herself that I am reminded that it wasn’t simply their good looks that set these ladies apart. In a mind-bending moment of realization it struck me that everybody sitting at this table had a penis. Heather had told me that she was the biggest in her family, but if these gals were anywhere even close to her gargantuan proportions that would make mine a DISTANT last place. It was a humbling moment to say the least.

“Oh. Excuse me.” Our waitress hurries over. “I’m sorry but there’s no outside food or drink allowed in the…”

“He is with us.” Rebecca cuts her off and dismisses her with a wave of her hand. “That will be all.”

“But…”

“I said, that will be all.” Rebecca’s tone of carbon steel and katana sharp gaze ends any protest. As the waitress beats a hasty retreat she calmly lifts her teacup and looks over to her sister. “He is too young. You will break the boy when you pass.”

“No beating around the bush with Becks.” Julie chuckles as she starts in on her stack of huge brownies. “Mmm!”

Heather sighs. “I know that Rebecca. I keep telling you, all of you, that he’s not for us.”

“Yet you are bonding with him.” Lily shoots back, more than ready to have this conversation.

“I am not…um…it’s in the early stages.” Heather corrects herself. “We’ve got a plan. Everything is under control.”

“I don’t see how.”

“Alexander was too old. This one is too young.” Heather’s sister pauses for a sip of tea. “You are an attractive woman. You could quite literally have anyone. Can you not find men more suitable?”

“I wasn’t looking to find a man!” Heather says a bit too loud before bringing the volume back down again. “None of this was planned. He…needed someone.” Looking over Heather’s expression goes soft and she lightly adjusts and smooths the shoulder of my safety vest. “And he made me realize that I did to.”

“If you are available I know of many fine candidates.” Rebecca says. “Just last week Roger and I enjoyed a very pleasant evening on the yacht of an investment banker who I believe you would find attractive. He is married, but no children. Marital vows should hardly be a problem for you, sister.”

“That’s terrible, Rebecca!” Heather says, subtly shifting closer to me. “I am not a home-wrecker.”

“You would want for nothing.” Rebecca shrugs and takes another sip of tea. “You would be attended to properly. As my Roger tends to me.”

Heather grumbles but says nothing.

“There’s a very nice surgeon I could hook you up with.” Lily offers. “Divorced and available.”

As I am tucking into my delicious tuna sandwich and listening to this surreal conversation I notice across from me Mia sitting hunched small half-heartedly poking her spoon around her yogurt. When she spots me looking she flashes me a little smile and blushes. Catching the little moment Julie leans over and whispers something into Mia’s ear which makes her giggle and hide her face.

“Mia.” Her mom says, almost reflexively, as she hears the laugh. “Sit up straight.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“So Elliot.” Julie says as she she wipes chocolate crumbs from her lips.

“Could you please just sit and listen.” Rebecca sighs.

“I’m a part of this family too ya know.”

“Mrm. Yes, I know all too well.”

“Anyway! Elliot.” Julie starts again. “You were really down and out, huh?”

I glance to Heather then back to her. “Yeah. I kinda hit rock bottom there.” I say. “Bounced right back up though thanks to Heather. I’d probably be on the streets right now without her. I had nobody.”

“Damn man. That’s rough.” Julie says. “Your folks couldn’t help out?”

“Julie.” Heather says with gentle firmness. “His parents passed away.”

Mia’s eyes snap up to look at me. “He’s an orphan too?”

“Yes, Mia.” Heather says softly, her hand stroking back and forth across my back.

Even Rebecca’s frosty demeanor melts for a moment as a sad sympathy washes over them. Taking her daughter’s hand she gives it a squeeze and Mia squeezes back. It was heartening to see that there was some love at least in that relationship.

“Ahem.” I clear my throat. “Yeah. They died in a house fire a few years ago.”

“I had heard. I am so sorry, Elliot.” Lily leans in to give me a brief but friendly hug. “That couldn’t have been easy.”

“It wasn’t. Isn’t. Still dealing with honestly.” I confess to this table of mostly strangers. “But Heather’s taught me that pitying myself isn’t going to solve anything.” I look to her. “She’s taught me a lot of things. I am so grateful for everything she’s done for me.”

“It’s a two-way street.” She whispers back.

“Well that’s settled.” Julie announces. “Now we gotta keep him. The guy needs a family, Heather needs a man, and we need a honey hole. It’s perfect.”

“Pbbrt!” Both Lily and Mia burst out laughing as Rebecca stews.

“Could you please not use that vulgar term! Ugh!”

“Honey hole?” I ask.

“You are not that, Elliot.” Heather insists. “You will not be that. All of you need to stop with this right now. I told you that’s not happening. He’s going to find himself a nice girl and live as a free man.”

“Under your roof?” Lily probes.

“Well…yes. For now. I’ve got the extra room and he’s very handy around the house.”

“I bet he is.” Julie winks.

“Julie!”

“Mom. You’re already bonding with him and you’re going to keep him around? You know what’s going to happen.”

“I know. I know.” She says. “Like I said, we’ve got a plan.”

“This I’ve got to hear.” Lily leans in. “Go on then.”

“Well…” Heather glances at me from the corner of her eye then sighs. “…if you must know, I am going to take another honey boy. One more…age appropriate.”

“And who might this be?” Rebecca asks.

“A lovely man named Myles.”

“The librarian!?” Lily exclaims, clearly unimpressed with the choice. “Oh, Mom!”

“What’s wrong with him? He’s kind and understanding and soft-spoken and lonely and…I think he could use an understanding woman in his life.”

“I think he could use a big burly man in his life.”

“What are you insinuating?”

Lily rolls her eyes. “You are so oblivious sometimes.”

“Well…even if he is that way I can take care some of those needs as well.” She says. “It might work out better, actually. Er, maybe?”

“A big dick doesn’t make you a dude.” Julie quips.

“Would you keep your voice down!” Rebecca hisses.

“This is so cool. Actually being able to talk to a new guy about this shit.” Julie says quieter but no less boldly. “I hate always having to hide everything.”

“It was rash of Heather to tell him anything.”

“I felt like I could trust him. And he is not a ‘new guy’.” Heather insists as she teases at my hair. “He’s my friend. He’s my tenant. And he’s my strong, brave, hard-working, handsome man of the house. But that’s it.”

“Well I’m convinced.” Julie says sarcastically. “Heather’s totally not falling for him. Just a tenant, totally.”

“You are weak, sister.” Rebecca says. “Alright. If we must have him let’s give him to Lily. They’re of the right age.”

“What!?” Heather exclaims, her arm clutching around me and pulling me closer.

“I don’t want him!” Lily says at the same time. “No offense, Elliot.”

“Er, none taken?”

“I am way too busy to fall goo-goo in love right now.”

“I assure you, the love is optional.” Rebecca says. “The bond goes deeper than mere fuzzy sentimentality.”

“Well I don’t have time for a **** either.” The driven Lily replies. Did she say ****!? “Besides, Liam would never forgive me.”

“That’s a bad thing?” Julie laughs. “That makes me want us to keep him more! Although if you took him we wouldn’t get our honey ho…”

“Don’t!” Rebecca raises a finger of warning.

“There’s a whole history you all don’t know about.” Lily says. “Liam and Elliot despised each other back in school. They got into fights and everything. He is going to freak out when he finds out Elliot is living with Mom.”

“I guess I can take him off your hands.” Julie offers. “I wasn’t going to settle down yet but I guess I’m not gettin any younger. We’re a little closer in age. And dudes don’t live as long as chicks. It could work.”

“You will NOT take him.” Heather holds me protectively. “You can’t even look after yourself, you think you can care for a man like Elliot?”

“Care for him? He’d be the one looking after me!” She laughs and stretches back in her chair. “Ahhhh, I’d get so fat and lazy with a man doting on me.”

Swallowing hard Mia pipes up, her voice barely audible. “I could take him.”

“You are saving yourself for a man of distinction. I will find you somebody worthy.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Erm, do I get a say in this?” I ask.

The table goes quiet a moment before all but Heather begin to laugh. “He’s adorable!”

“See! This is why we can’t have him.” Heather scolds her family. “Elliot is a free man with big dreams and unlimited potential.”

“Aren’t they all before we claim them?”

“No. They’re not like him.” Heather says, her anger rising. “Elliot is special. He’s not a possession. He’s not a toy. And we are NOT going to take advantage of him in his hour of need.” Fixing them each in turn with a hard stare she says. “I did not introduce you to him so that you could circle him like hungry sharks. I was introducing you to my new roommate. For the last time, he is NOT for us. Do I make myself clear?”

There’s a moment of stunned silence before every head begins to nod, even the proud Rebecca’s.

“Good.” Heather says with a nod. “Good! With that understood, let’s enjoy our lunch. Shall we?” Before they answer she adds. “And please, treat him like a real human being. Hm?”

“Yes, Heather.” The group all say in their own way.

With that laid down this unique group of ladies turn to their meals and begin to eat, chat, laugh, and bicker like any other family in the world.