A date

John decides to ask this short-haired cutie with the big doughy eyes and the unpronounceable name (Saethryda? Really?) for a bit of a date and walk through the surrounding, road-less hills, her bare feet getting helplessly mucked up in the mud as he effortlessly walk across the puddles of dirty water because of his divinity.

However, John almost immediately realises an obvious mistake with thinking that he could have anything like a date, as aside from the difficulty of keeping her on her own two feet in his overwhelming presence, he doesn’t even have all that much to talk about. He should probably have figured, for instance, that asking a young maiden what she does in her free time before hobbies had been invented was going to lead to such exciting answers as gathering food for survival and preparing for the harsh chill of winter.

John tries so hard to pay attention as this beauty with mud-rubbed cheeks lights up when she talks about the simple love she has for her mother and siblings, but he starts to realise he doesn’t have anything in common with his subjects! Where’s the fun? The adventure? How is he meant to take up a position as their king and lead them to new places if they couldn’t even tell a halfway decent joke? He wasn’t expecting a rich culture built on in-jokes and video games, but it turns out playing Kingdom Come is much different to living it.

While John could certainly just snap all of this into existence, he decides to start small and give this Saethryda a little boost to her confidence so that at the very least she can look him in the eyes when she talks to him. Distracting her by summoning a flock of the whitest doves to all fly up from the canopy of the nearby forest, he zaps her in the back with a dash of egoism and pride.

Saethryda hardly seems to notice that doves hadn’t existed before now and that they had disappeared into thin air as she turns back to John with even more worship in her eyes. He hopes the shot has done its job and asks what she would ask for from God.

She stirs at such a divine question, something that would trip up any soul with so even a hint of humility, and just as John think’s she is about to give some meek excuse from her trembling lips, she instead whispers a soft response.

“Berries, me Lord. I would ask your holiness for berries.” The request has John about to roll his eyes before she continues on with detail from her quivering lips which are shaping into a smile, the first he has seen since arriving on Earth. “I remember finding some amongst boscage aside the sunward field several full moons ago. They were oddly coloured but ever so tasty that I ate until I felt I could burst. I knew it was my moral duty to harvest them for my family, but all at that moment I could do was eat until there weren’t any left! So…” She stands with shoulders back and smirks. “I-I want those berries, me Lord!”

It’s not exactly what John had been expecting to hear, but her newfound confidence has infused her voice with an alluring quality which prompts him to summon an overflowing bucket of berries exactly as she described.

“Two.” She quickly adds, actually holding her hand out like she was being waited on despite the fact that restaurants wouldn’t be invented for another thousand years.

John’s intrigue only grows, another snap of his fingers fills her other hand with an equal bucket, which she promptly places down to munch down the contents with gusto, decadent juices just oozing down her chin.

“Oh! my Lord…” Her moans are most sexual, John swears that her tone has dropped down to seduce him. “Whilst you are here and listening, I must confess to desiring more than I think even you can grant. Judge my wants and smite me as you will, but I will make you hear this humble maiden’s beastly appetite that burns me so.” Her sticky and red-dyed fingers run through her short dark hair and she indeed flashes a ravenous smile his way before she utters a less innocent desire, all the while rubbing her rapidly heating body.

John swore he’d only boosted her ego a bit! Maybe this girl wasn’t the innocent he’d thought?