Things are not going Matt's way.

"Oh, fuck, honey, I'm sorry, it just- ahahaha, you looked like you shit your pants. That's how scared you were. I hope I'm not hurting your feelings." She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, babe, I-"

"No you're not! You can't be, right? Regret is a negative feeling, so you can't feel it. You're never going to truly apologize again because you'll never be sorry. If I dropped dead right now you'll never be able to miss me."

She put her hand on his face. "You know I'll miss you. I still want better things, and life is always better with you. And I can regret - I can legitimately wish I had made a different decision, the same way I wish for anything."

"What about the- the, uh, self-shaping thing you people do?" he asked suddenly.

"What about it?" she replied casually. "You wanna know how it works?"

"No, I don't wanna know how it works," he said incredulously. "I wanna know if you changed yourself."

Penny sighed. "Oh, Matt, I was hoping I wouldn't have to bring this up..."

"Bring what up?"

"You know, I've thought about telling you a lot of times over the months. I've almost done it a few times before I decide to wait for a better time- remember when Craig got the DUI? I was gonna tell you that night..."

"Get to the fucking point," Matt growled.

"Anyway, I've been trying to hint at it. In fact, I've been very unsubtle these last few weeks. Have you really not noticed anything different?"

"Like what?"

She smiled and raised her hand, palm facing her. He stared at her for a moment before she spoke again.

"My nails."

A look of realization dawned on Matt's face. "You quit biting your nails! Whoa, that's great! I mean, it sucks that it's only because of-"

"I quit biting them on my birthday. I've clipped them in front of you since then. Once or twice I even 'accidentally' scratched you. I've struggled with this for years and you didn't notice when I suddenly dropped the habit overnight?"

Matt's face was red. "Look, I'm not on trial-"

"And I'm not trying to convict you. I don't want you to feel guilty, I just want to explain myself. I lost 20 pounds and you barely noticed. How many times did I make you breakfast this week?"

"Five," he admitted.

"Six," she corrected. "I blended you a fresh Bloody Mary to go with your McDonald's on Sunday. And have you noticed I haven't really been complaining about your drinking lately? I started out almost overdoing it with the negativity because I was trying to get my bearings, but you didn't notice. Then I started gradually easing off and you still didn't catch on."

"Look-" he stammered.

"No. I was nice! I was sweet and gentle and kind and I'm glad I was able to be so selfless, but you didn't pick up on any of it. Now let's talk about self-shaping. Of course you think of it as some kind of magic spell where people change themselves fundamentally-"

"It is, though!"

She put her hand on his knee. "Stop interrupting. It's just the ability to change our patterns of behavior at will. It's no different than when someone learns a new activity or stops drinking. When you took up rock climbing, did you fundamentally alter yourself?"

"No," he admitted. "But this isn't rock climbing! Penny, look at the news! Nymphomaniacs become celibate, loudmouths become shy, people change their whole identities. That's not same as picking up a new hobby."

Penny smiled. "Thank you for not interrupting me. I can't change myself anymore than you can, Matt. It's just easier for me. Don't you wish you were in better shape?"

"Of course," Matt said. "But to get there I'd have to work for it."

"Yeah, but what if you could lose weight by playing your piano? You'd still have to put in work. It's a chore, but it's also fun. That's how self-shaping feels. I'm not doing the easiest thing, but I'm doing something I enjoy "

Matt frowned. "That sounds nice in theory, but you never answered my question. I wanna know how you've self-shaped. Other than losing weight and quitting nail-biting, that is."