The war between Sena and Kazuma begins

As night fell, Kazuma entered a gloom so heavy, he was nearly indistinguishable from an undead. With Sena and royal knights all busy locking up the villainous Dust, he had to abandon his pursuit of the royal prosecutor-- there were just too many witnesses and too much business on Sena's plate. When he got up to his room and curled up onto his bed, he kicked his foot recklessly. The whole day had been a waste! Dust had screwed it all up! Who swoops in and tries to steal another guy's mind control plot?! This was a violation of the bro code unlike anything he'd ever imagined was possible! The bro code was going to need an amendment to cover this kind of infraction!

So for a while, he lay by himself, bemoaning his bad luck...

... But eventually, his bad mood took a different sort of turn. He found a rare pang of guilt slipping in. Sure, Sena tended to be a problem for him, but she wasn't a bad person. She was one of the hardest workers in Axel! Turning her into a tool for his fantasy with no remorse at interrupting her busy schedule or really even her own agency... he'd accidentally made her make out with Dust, for Pete's sake! Making out with him would be like a reward for any girl, but Dust? Yuck! Girls hated Dust! Unlike Kazuma, who most girls were secretly a little fond of in a cute and shy way that they can't admit out loud. Definitely.

That train of thinking was only making him more depressed.

"Tomorrow... I'm going to tell Sena what I did and apologize. Maybe I'll work on getting Dust out of the gaol, too. I'm going to walk the straight and narrow."

Kazuma cried himself to sleep, hoping he'd awake freshened the next day, ready to turn over a new leaf as a real, admirable hero.

---------- "Ko no su boo hoo hoo..."-----------

Kazuma Satou stared at his own face, or a gross approximation of it, twisted into some sort of lewd smirk. Megumin held the poster in one hand in front of his face, flapping it until he woke up. "Kazuma, Kazuma! What the heck did you do this time? There's already a bounty out on your head and you're not even awake yet! Sena's likely to be here any minute!" the mage complained, now slapping his cheeks back and forth with the poster to knock him out of his sleep.

"Huh... what... Bounty? I can't take a bounty. Let me go back to sleep... I was just about to score with the Mile High Club..." he snored, turning over so the poster was whacking him on the back of his hair instead.

"You're not listening to me! You are the bounty!" Megumin snapped, now leaning over the bed to shove the picture back into his face. Awkwardly, she climbed up onto the bedframe and straddled his body. "If that won't get you up... There's something I'll bet would wake you up for sure."

Kazuma stayed completely quiet and faked sleep, rolling over just a bit so that Megumin could have access to his lap, if that's what she was going for.

"Darkest cosmos, darker than black! Combine together with my fiery magic and become an engulfing blaze! Eeeeeeex-"

"Okay, okay! Awake, awake!" Kazuma shouted, throwing Megumin off and onto the foot of the bed as he rose up. "But what is this shit?! Why do I have an APB out on me?! Dust was the criminal, not me!"

"APB? Uh... You mean the bounty? I heard Dust got arrested by a bunch of royal knights, so he's in jail. But the rumors say that Sena's the one that put out the bounty on you. Every time I hear something like this, I hope you've been taken in for using cool dark powers you've always hidden, but then I read the poster... it's always the same thing with you, isn't it? It says 'sexual harassment of a royal enforcer.' You did something to her, didn't you?"

"I didn't! I didn't get to do anything! That bastard Dust stole my whole setup!"

"... Wait... Does this have something to do with that lie you were going on about earlier? The script thing?"

Kazuma suddenly went quiet as a stone and rolled over, growing mysteriously silent.

"Kazuma... You've got to use the script again."

"I know, I have to apologize and turn myself- say that again?"

"If Sena comes here, she's not just going to arrest you! She'll seize all our assets again like she did last time! She'll take my staff! She'll take Chomsuke's bed! She'll even take your stupid tracksuit! It might even mean you'll be executed! If you really can control her, you have to get her to take down the bounty!"

"So... you think I should use the script again?"

"I'm not just saying you should-- you have to! Just as I must use my explosion magic at least once per day-"

"You mean 'exactly once per day'. You can't even move your body after that."

"Grk! W-Well, just as I must use it that often, you too must use any perverse magical items in your possession! It is no less than your expected duty as a member of our party! Hurry and save our stuff!"

Kazuma rolled over, now flashing a grin and a thumbs up. It felt invigorating to have somebody on his side-- an accomplice to his dirty fantasies-- for once. "You got it! You're right-- I practice my scheming every day, god dammit! Screw apologizing! If Sena wants to make this a war, she's got a war! I'm going to roll out a new magic script just as powerful as your explosion magic!"

Megumin's face fell into a skeptical frown. "Hey. Don't get carried away. If you compare your perverted stuff to explosion magic again, you're going to get an explosion for real."

"You started it..."

---------- "Ko no su ba..."-----------

Kazuma had gone above and beyond trying to create safeguards that would pin all the blame on Dust and keep him out of trouble, but Sena's hunches were too bone-deep. Luna had kept the secret of the Mile High Club from the rest of the town, but that hadn't stopped her from mentioning it again to Sena herself. Once Sena heard all the sordid details, she was on the war path.

"That magic wasn't Dust. I don't need an investigation. Dust's crimes are peeping on women's baths or distributing counterfeit brothel tickets. Only one man is capable of lechery on this scale: Kazuma Satou." Sena thought out loud to herself as she strode through the town with her fists by her side. She'd distributed endless bounty posters in her wake and dispatched royal officers in all directions.

If things were as bad as they seemed, she was going to have to rely on someone else to take in Kazuma-- her own security was compromised. If she approached him personally, he'd probably turn her back into a seductive stewardess once again. She'd have to keep a safe distance and delegate the task to others.

"How mortifying... to think... my first kiss... my first kiss...!" she growled to herself, feeling her fists shake at her sides. According to Luna, she'd seduced Dust with her body, then kissed him... with tongue! Twice! "Kazuma Satou handed off my first kiss to Dust... while he watched, probably to satisfy some kind of voyeurism kink! This is the day I rid Axel of his terror forever!"

Sena was missing a lot of key facts, due to her unfortunate tendency to jump to conclusions when it came to Kazuma. A simple discussion with him would have cleared up a lot of these. What she couldn't know, however, was that he'd been taking it easy on her. Rationalizing her thoughts, keeping the fantasies classy, courtship, kissing... all of those things were Kazuma being a gentleman. She'd declared war with no idea of the kind of war crimes that the script had the potential to commit!

But for now, she was feeling good. In her element. Actually, yesterday had been a bit of a slip-up. The problem had been when she'd abandoned her job and decided to take it easy at the tavern. If anything, it was like karmic punishment. The problem, in her mind, was that she'd strayed out of her lane, worrying about her relationship status. If she just focused on work, she could have avoided yesterday's problems altogether.

Sena paused in front of one of the posters and cupped one hand to her chin. That lout's face. Smirking. Mocking her...

She reached out and gave it a big kiss, a proper one-- the one that she should have given the genuine article last night. A kiss with tongue! Sena swirled her tongue on the poster's surface while running her palms lovingly across the cobblestones, caressing their contours. Her eyes narrowed in ecstasy as she made out with a poster-- she was just that horny for the young adventurer, that a simple drawing was making her hot. She began to massage on the wall roughly where she estimated his penis would be if he was standing here.

Growling in frustration, Sena drew back away from the now spit-soaked poster, wiping a string of saliva from her own mouth, before using her sleeve to wipe off the poster. When that didn't work, she tore it off the wall and balled it up in her hands. She looked both ways to make sure no one had caught her in the act, then discarded the paper properly in the first receptacle she could find.

"Kazuma Satou! Somebody, bring me Kazuma Satou, nooooow!" she shouted, increasing the urgency of every knight in the vicinity. "Whoever brings me Satou alive will receive a ticket that allows you to make me do whatever you want for an entire evening! Even ecchi things! You can make me stand on my head in a long, billowy skirt, if you want-- the kind that quickly gives way and pools all the way down around my head!"

The knights stopped in their tracks, then marched back around the corners, staring at their superior. "Excuse me, ma'am. Repeat orders?" one of them asked, still holding his salute.

"Th-That was a joke. What I meant to say was that whoever brings me Satou alive will receive a bounty of one-million Eris worth of lap-dances! To be clear, I mean the same amount of lap-dances you'd get from the brothel for the same amount of money, but all administered personally by me! For attire, I will, of course, follow the lead of those admirable women in the adult entertainment industry! I will wear a purple sequined dress with a big fluffy boa, and under all of that, of course, skimpy little heart-shaped pasties. That's just on the first, night, of course. We can plan a different theme for every night. I'll be personally using all of my own savings to supply the wardrobe. I-"

She finally clapped her hands over her mouth, her glasses displacing slightly and her eyes rapidly darting between her men.

They all stood as still as statues. They couldn't possibly comprehend what they were hearing her say and she hadn't clarified enough about her past experiences with the script for them to know what was happening to her. Finally, one of them raised his hand. "Ma'am, just... once more, could you repeat that?"

Sena pulled her hands away from her mouth, grinning confidently while placing both hands on her hips. "You think I don't have the guts? I'll give you a little sneak peek. I'm going to give you one of these--" she started, crossing both hands behind her hair and knocking off her little prosecutor hat, while spreading her legs and throwing it back against the knight raising his hand. "A little up and down action." Her bottom began to move up and down against the guy's junk, and not in a timid way. She made sure she felt the knight's erection and used her buttcheeks to play with the tip, pushing it upward and downward. "Then, we go in a big circle. Wax on. Wax off." She jostled the knight's junk. She serviced his lower sword. She bounced on his lower body blade. She twerked on his trouser-snake. "Oops. My skirt's riding up~ I think you're going to cop a really good feel of those black, guy-catching panties I wear that aren't hidden as well behind my hose as I think they are, so Satou's actually seen them a time or two in the past when I didn't even realize it. Or maybe I did realize it and I wanted him to see-"

Released and red-faced, Sena fell down to her knees in desperation, then crawled away on all fours and pressed her back against the wall, as though worried her butt would keep acting on its own if she didn't cover it up. She'd felt it just now. That knight had an erection for her... and she'd... given him a buttjob just now! What sort of power was she up against?! Tears began to well at the corners of her eyes as she clutched her hands closer to her chest. "Satou... wait... I-I yield!" she began to beg, before the knight she'd been grinding on spoke back up.

"You're saying that if we catch Kazuma, the bounty is that you'll really give us lap dances like that? But in sexy costumes? One million Eris worth?"

"Um... I-I... That was..."

"You heard it, men! Let's do iiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" The knights all raised their swords and ran off with renewed vigor. They were out for blood-- the blood engorging their dicks, mostly.

Sena's lips trembled as she stumbled back to her feet, still keeping her back against the wall. "... I'm going to have to clarify a few things when they come back."

-------- "K-Ko no su ba..." ---------

Earlier in the day, Kazuma had bragged about his intelligence when it came to making skeezy plans. He really did have a talent for it and a lot of practice. It could really be called his greatest ability as an adventurer...

... So how had this happened?! Now he was on the run from a town full of knights, all charged up and invigorated with the idea that they were going to get a lap-job if they caught him! What had he been thinking? What would he do if it meant getting a lap-job from a bashful, glasses-lady ice queen forcing herself to dress like an adult entertainer for the sake of her job! Almost anything!

Huddled inside the stable he once called his home, hoping the stink of horse manure would keep the knights away, Kazuma hatched another scheme. "I've got to leave town... that's all there is for it... I-I'll go live in the desert. Or the mountains. No, Megumin fires explosions off at those willy nilly, I'd get cooked. Underground! I-I'll go underground. Aqua's lured all of the zombies out of the crypts, so they're nice and empty for me... I'll live underground and eat dirt, like a fungus..."

He'd miss Axel. The women especially...

The women...

"No way. I'm not going underground with only bones for company. I've got this script! I-It's too early to give up! Sena wanted a war-- she's got a war! This doesn't stop until one of our reputations or the other is burnt to the groooound!" he cried in the solitude of the haystacks, raising one fist towards the ceiling and missing that he'd just stepped in a gob of horse shit. "I've only just begun to fight! You're messing with the guy who's taken down four demon generals! I'm not going to lose to a bunch of horny knights!"

"Wh-Who are you calling a horny knight?! Are you talking about me?!"

Kazuma nearly jumped as he recognized the voice of Darkness just outside the stable. "Darkness?! What are you doing here?!"

"Ahem. I heard that there was an army of royal officers after you and saw the wanted posters. As your party member-- no, as your friend-- I thought it only appropriate that I come to your aid. I am only lucky that I correctly guessed you'd be here." The crusader appeared now in the rectangular door-frame, surrounded by the sunlight from outside and striking a heroic figure, clad in silver armor and her recognizable yellow. A winsome smile lit upon her face as she held one hand to her sword. "Even if it means defying the authorities, I'll stand by your side."

"... Yeah, and that's the only reason, right? The fact that you heard they were all motivated by Sena being **** to give them a lapdance had nothing to do with it? You didn't think 'oh, if these men all have the degradation of women on their brains, then what will they do to me, a criminal who stands alongside the city's most wanted felon? They'll probably **** me to grind my buttocks against their cocks! Oh! Oooh! Aaaaah~" he cooed, clutching his body and twisting in his best imitation of Darkness.

"N-N-Nothing of the sort! That impression is nothing like me! If I were to be excited about this situation, I would recognize that the knights would not violate me in such a brazen, sexual manner in front of the townspeople but that, motivated by Sena's promise, they would use excessive **** to quickly remove me as a threat, throwing me to the ground, kicking my body, and perhaps executing a pro wrestling move where they wrench my arms behind me and grab tightly to my neck-"

"Stop, stop! We've just left the realm of a fantasy I actually want to see," Kazuma complained, waving one hand dismissively. "But I am glad you're here. I think I'm going to need you for the next part of my plan. My counterattack against Sena..."

"Just name it. I am your trusted shield! I can stand in this doorway and block a hundred tackling knights, if that is what it takes!"

"That's not what it takes, thankfully. This is a rare case where I'm a fugitive and you aren't. So if you really want to help me and you aren't just looking for an excuse to get your masochistic freak on, here's what I need you to do."

"I will ask one thing from you in return, Kazuma."

"Fiiine... I'll use the script to make you do some freaky stuff later--"

"N-Not that! What are you assuming of me?!" Darkness questioned, looked aroused at the proposal despite her protests. "No, I want you to take a bath. You did not take a bath this morning and you have been sitting here surrounded by horse droppings. I can barely stand to remain here in the doorway..."

"I can take a nice, relaxing bath when I'm not risking having my head separated from my body!"

--------- "Ko no su baaaaa!"---------