The first ever Kazuma Appreciation Day, gone wrong

Kazuma approached the Adventurer's Guild with a spring in his step as the sun began to set on Axel. Assuming none of his party members had gotten tied up or distracted, all of them ought to already be there, breaking out how their independent attempts at earning money for the day had gone. In Kazuma's head, that'd be more like a wound-licking party, where all four of them bemoaned their empty wallets and bellies, the state of the market and the lack of opportunities. This time, however, he was bringing something to the party that'd make things play out differently. Very differently...

The young man cackled as he headed through the door to the hall. Quickly, he worked to correct his creepy face. "Crap... Maybe I was too hard on that pervert, after all. Something about having a magic script that can rewrite reality for someone else in a way only you're aware of... It just makes a guy tend toward full-on bad guy hand rubbing, huh? But just to remind myself, I'm not planning anything evil! Nope, I'm not going to give anyone anything they don't deserve. Still, it's gonna be funny when I'm the only one in a good mood at the table. When I see their sad, sorry faces, maybe I'll be inspired to generosity instead of judge... ment..."

Kazuma caught sight of his party. They were all gathered at a table, with a fourth chair vacant for him... However, it wasn't a table fit for him. Far from the miserable sight he'd expected, everyone at the table was in a great mood, eating and drinking like it was a special occasion. The quarter of the table that was reserved for him, however, was just as empty as his seat. Bare. Festivity-less.

The party leader had a number of things he wanted to say. Starting with...

"Hey you," he began, pointing at the blue haired young woman who was clearly finishing a second mug of bubbly. "How the hell did you get into the party's reserve fund, Aqua? This little unplanned expense has you written all over it."

The other two at the table had been facing away from Kazuma's entrance, but Aqua had seen him enter. She'd simply ignored him. Now that he was addressing her by name, however, the party's pretty blue-haired Arch-Priest gave him a cocky, buzzed grin. "Oh gedoff it, Kashuma! This ishn't from your piggy bank, itsh all of the money we earned doin' work today! And yeah, we did work! I did a whooole conshtwuction shift, jusht like old times! And I didn't shee yooou at the job shite, Kashuma!"

"No way. I refuse to believe all three of you made actual money doing hard work today! Darkness! Did you get money from your family? Is that what this is? And without food for me? Is that some kind of prank?!"

The blonde-haired crusader turned to him with a good-natured laugh, finishing swallowing the frog leg she was chewing on before speaking. "Kazuma, won't you have more faith in your allies? All three of us put in a hard day's work and decided to treat ourselves. We simply expected you'd buy your own and join us. That said... To think, accusing a noble and principled crusader of playing a childish prank... Your opinion of me is rather low, Kazuma!" Despite her complaint, she was saying it with a kind of goofy grin that Kazuma knew well wasn't just the ****, her lewd body squirming underneath the armor and regalia she wore.

Kazuma pretty well understood the situation, now, but he wasn't happy about it. He had one more shot to take. "Um, excuse me, young lady. Isn't that beverage inappropriate for a kid your age, Miss Megumin?"

The party's Arch-Wizard, with short brown hair and a cross-patterned eyepatch, took obvious offense. "Ah- You jerk! I'm eighteen now, and you know I'm eighteen! I'm not even that much younger than you! Just because you had a bad day, there's no need to try to bring down the mood. We're trying to have a good time..." Even though she said that, she was only sipping at the beverage occasionally and wincing. "This stuff isn't as cool as I thought it'd be..." Obviously, she was trying to gain a taste for it, but she'd only just recently turned the age where she could legally drink. From Kazuma's viewpoint, that was the only thing she was developing: she was still short and she was flat as a board.

The young man sighed and took a seat, allowing the festive party atmosphere to continue around him. It seemed like the others were talking to him or trying to make conversation, but he only gave them an occasional thoughtless nod. He was thinking. He was scheming. He...

... Was broke, and by now, he was hungry again.

Startling his party, he abruptly banged his fists on the table, making a loud proclamation to none of them in particular, more like he was broadcasting news. "Ahem. I know this is sudden, but it's Kazuma Appreciation Day! The first ever! Wow, I can hardly believe it! And you, my lucky friends, have the opportunity to participate."

After a few seconds of silence, his party laughed. Aqua clapped him on the back, but didn't say anything. All three women went on eating merrily without him.

Kazuma cleared his throat, turning to center of the table to make it clear he was talking to everyone, and that they shouldn't dodge his proclamation thinking it was meant for someone else. "Yes, today's your opportunity to show your friend and dear party leader Kazuma how much he means to you by spotting him a fair meal and mug of bubbly, to be paid back at his earliest convenience! If I were you, I'd act now."

All three of them continued eating without acting, but only Aqua spoke around her food to laugh at him. "Yeah, shure! If I wash you, I'd work my butt off inshtead of day-drinking like a shut-in NEET locked outta hish housh! Then maybe you'd earn a little shpendin' money."

So they'd somehow found out about how he'd spent his day before, or rather, how he hadn't... The adventurer set his chin on the table. He hadn't expected any thrown bones from Aqua, but he turned his accusatory glare on the other two, starting with Darkness.

She avoided his gaze, sipping her wine. "Well... Kazuma, I don't think it's a bad idea for you to think a little bit about hard work and fiscal responsibility. As the party leader, it's important for you to set an example for everyone... So don't take it personally, all right?"

He turned to Megumin.

She sipped at her drink, frowning, then gave him the cold shoulder. She muttered, barely audible. "I WAS going to share some of my hard-earned food with you, until you came in here with that 'kid' comment. 'Kazuma Appreciation Day?' Give me a break..."

He turned his head to rest his cheek on the table, as if to offer one more chance for everyone to notice how truly pathetic he looked and change their minds. No one bit. Thus, he made his next proclamation... "Ahem. Kazuma Appreciation Day is not voluntary. It is compulsory. In fact, failure to participate will be punished... severely."

The only person who paid this any attention was the one who'd never fail to pick up on that combination of words. Darkness turned to him with new interest. "Punished severely, you say? But Kazuma, appreciative or not, as a servant of Eris, I am not bending on this important moral lesson for you! That said... just what sort of severe punishment did you have in mind?!"

"Fuck it," the demoralized adventurer spoke from the table. "I'll just say it. A magic script. I can write your name in it and make you do whatever I want. Or make whatever I want happen to you. I can control your reality, for better... or worse. And I'll use it, too. If you three aren't nice to me, I'll use it."

Now everyone was staring at him. It didn't take long for everyone to have reactions. Megumin was cackling, about to fall over in her chair. Darkness was rapid-firing her nonsensical questions, letting her imagination run wild. These reactions were predictable... The strangest one was Aqua's. Suddenly, she seemed to have lost her bubbly buzz, watching him with a weird, narrow glare.

Kazuma didn't pay any attention. Since he was laying everything on the table, he decided to get some more information. In the service of his upcoming decision, of course. "So... Say I had a thing like that. No, this isn't hypothetical. I do have an item like that. Everyone, tell me what you think I'd use it for."

Darkness started to open her drooly mouth.

"Everyone except you."

As Darkness shivered with the denial, Megumin worked to stop laughing and give him a proper answer. "Ahehe... Well, if we're doing thought exercises, very well! If you had a script like that, there's only one thing a guy like you would think to do with it. Knowing you... you'd use it to make my Explosion magic even more powerful, drawing out my full potential! It's the only reasonable thing to change about me. Nay, doing any less would be shunning your responsibility as party leader!"

Kazuma sighed. Megumin wasn't even drunk. Was this what she actually thought he'd do with a reality-controlling script, or was it her way of trying to put an idea in his head, just in case he did? Almost certainly the former. He turned to Aqua and returned her glare. "What's eating you?"

Aqua wiped the foam from her lips and turned to him. In spite of her drinking like a fish, she seemed somehow sobered out and serious. "You wanna know what I think? What I think you'd do if you had a shcript like that, Kashuma?"

"Yeah. That's why I asked."

"You shure you want me to shay it? Becaushe I've known you longer than the other two-"

"-and you're sooo empathetic to my thoughts and problems-"

'- And I'm trying not to bring the mood down, but it'sh a real bummer. You shure?"

"Aqua, my mood is already on the floor. It's not gonna get any lower, and I don't give a rat's ass about the rest of your moods. Say it."

She sighed and looked away from Kazuma with a slightly disgusted expression. "Okay. What you'd do ish... You'd think of all kindsha nashty, perverted nonshense you wanted to do to the attractive women that were closhesht to you. In other wordsh, probably the three of ush. Then, you'd approach ush and shuggest that you wanted ush to prove we could be nishe to you, but in an unreashonable way. That way, when we didn't agree, you'd have jushtificashion to do whatever you wanted to any of ush. Like you were alwaysh gonna do it, but that way you'd be able to shleep at night and wouldn't feel like shuch a dirty schumbag. That'sh you, Kashuma. Datsh who you are! At tha core!"

Everyone had gotten a little quiet. The other two women turned to Kazuma, waiting for his response. He was silent for a long time, but finally, after swallowing, he gave it. "Aqua... You are so drunk. That's so dumb. You really haven't gotten one point of intelligence since we first met, have you? That's obviously wrong."

"Really?! But I wash sho shuuure!" Aqua whined, then took another big drink. "Well whatever you'd do with it, it'd be shuper dumb, that'sh for shure! Caush you are shuuuch a big dummy! Hahaha!"

"Hahaha," Kazuma laughed along with her dryly. "So, last chance. No takers? Nobody wants to make an offering and be spared from Kazuma's Curse?"

"No way!" Aqua giggled, suppressing a burp.

"If there was such a thing... I'd risk the curse, rather than spare you your lesson!" Darkness spoke with an excited, breathy voice. She probably didn't actually believe he had a magic script, but her imagination was usually enough for her to work with.

Megumin wagged a tiny scrap of frog leg at him. "... Here. I'll be the bigger woman, if it gets you to recognize I'm mature." Not because she believed him, but because he looked so pitiful.

Kazuma took it hastily and shoved it in his mouth. "Jusht so we'ah cleah, dish ain't enuff to shpare you. Dish ish nuffin'." Gulp. "It's a childish taunt. It's condescending, Megumin. Now, if I got a whole leg..."

Megumin made a point of shoving a whole fried frog leg in her mouth in response, staring at him evenly while she chewed.

Kazuma turned his chair from the table, literally and figuratively turning his back on his party. He'd made up his mind. He had three great options for who would be the actress in the starring role of his script. Still... should he really be jumping into this? It was, in fact, no less than altering the fabric of reality. So, he'd think about which of the three of them really deserved to be his guinea pig. If he got really moody and thought about it (which he did get, and he did think about), weren't there plenty of people in this crappy video-game reality that had things they needed to apologize to him for? Almost anyone was fair game...