Life of Derp

During a random day in the Kingdom of Tenebris

The patter of two sets of tiny feet clomped along the granite stone of the castle located in the pocket dimension of John Newman’s small but flourishing kingdom. Two of the youngest, silliest, lovable, somehow most dangerous, and clearly most derpy residents moved through the halls as they dodged, ducked, dipped, dived, and dodged past anyone they ran into.

“Qwick, in here!” Mimi whispered to Yatina as the two quickly dipped into an empty room. The door creaked open as Mimi peeked outside, while Yaya climbed on top of Mimi to also see outside through the crack. Half a dozen more eyes also peered through the door as even Mimi’s sneks were invested in this plan.

“Ma’am, here are the plans for the proposed farmland expansion,” a male voice said.

“Hmm. This seems good. This’ll help increase our food production by about 10 percent. This’ll give my baby, I mean the king, even more bargaining power,” Brenda’s voice said in response to being handed the plans the other voice talked about.

“Psst, that means more nom noms, right?” Yatina asked Mimi, who nodded. “Nice!” the happy dragongirl said at the news. The pair continued to watch as the two people walked past the door and continued down the hall. Once the two were sure the coast was clear, they quickly left the room and continued down the hall. The two derps were on a mission and no adult would stop them.

“Like, we tots have a problem, boss,” the voice of Sam echoed down the hall. The echo luckily alerted the derps early enough for the two to quickly ducked behind a decorative gonfalone that hung in the halls. While the feet of the two derps clearly stuck out from under the gonfalone, Sam and her boss, Fran, did not notice as they were too engrossed in their conversation.

“What problem?” asked Fran as the two moved closer to where the derps hid.

“Like, our forces scouting downtown have run into tots troub. Seriously, they got owned hard, boss,” Sam explained to Fran. “Like legit Nazi looking mo’fo’s and everything!” Sam told her.

“God damn fucking Nazis?! Those shitbags haven’t been seen in years. Now that the Order is gone, they probably think they can do whatever the hell they want. I’ll speak with John about this. Although if that old fart Lord Brighton would have just let me eradicate them when they popped up. But no, he’d rather keep an eye on them instead of stomping out a threat. At least John knows how to deal with threats,” Fran told her protege as the two moved past the derps’ hiding spot.

“What’s a matzi?” asked Mimi.

“Ooooh! That’s the...uh...umm...ball of meat, right?” Yaya half answered and half asked.

“It sounds yummy,” decided Mimi.

“Agreed,” said Yatina. “Now, let’s go!” she said as she raced forward with Mimi quickly behind her. The two derps continued their stealth mission as they continued to dodge the various humans and elves that traveled through the halls of John’s castle. The place bustled with various people as they clearly were preparing for something but that mattered not to the two young derps. They had one thing on their mind and would not allow anyone or anything to get in their way. That is, until another person who could stop them appeared.

The two derps panicked at the sight of Idena as she walked down the hall. The two ran in opposite directions that came back around in a circle until the two ran into each other. The two hugged each other on impact, fell to the ground, and then rolled under a table just in time for Idena to walk by the two.

“Ma’am, we are getting reports of increased harpy attacks from people around your old home,” a young elf woman told the harpy Guard Captain. Idena took the report for the woman and read over it.

“Hmm. What are they up to?” she pondered. “Sadly we don’t have time to deal with it now. Master has already decided to help this woman find her sister. Send some scouts to keep an eye on things and we’ll deal with this later,” Idena ordered the elf, who nodded and went off her own way when the two passed the derps and reached a T-junction in the hall.

“Coast clear?” asked Mimi as she laid on top of Yaya.

“Coast clear!” assured Yaya after she did a quick look down the hall. The two rolled out from under the table before they jumped back onto their feet. A Looney Toons-esque cloud appeared behind the two as they quickly shuffled off. Through expert use of the five D’s of dodgeball, the derps were able to make their way to their goal. In front of them stood a large wooden door with the best word the derps knew written on it: “Kitchen.”

“Yay! We made it!” Yaya gleefully cheered.

“Now it’s time for nom-noms!” declared Mimi as the two struggled to push the door open. After the door slowly creaked open, the two were free to do as they pleased. Mimi quickly made her way to a chair and dragged it over to the pantry. Mimi got down on all fours as Yaya climbed on her back to get onto the chair. Yaya then helped pull up Mimi as the two then used the chair to climb onto the counter.

“Aaaaallllmooooosssstttttt theeeerreeee!” Yaya said as she reached on her tippy toes to reach the cookie jar that was in the highest cupboard on the wall. Yaya decided to do a dangerous move and jumped up to grab the cookie jar and then fell onto the counter with a loud thud.

“You ok, fren?!” asked a concerned Mimi.

“I...has...COOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEEEEES!” a triumphant Yaya declared as she jumped onto her feet in victory. The two hugged the cookie jar as the sneks on Mimi’s head slid the lid off the cookie jar. Once the lid hit the ground, all hell broke loose as Mimi, Yaya, and her sneks all dug in. Anyone who would watch this cookie massacre would get flashbacks to watching the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street as pieces of cookies went flying every which way as the two derps and sneks shoved cookie after cookie into their gaping maws.

Thirty Minutes Later

“I bet you one sex sermon that we’ll find the two in here,” John said as he and another person walked towards the kitchen.

“My king, you know you do not need a bet to do that. Everyone is happily willing to do a sex sermon whenever you wish,” Gali informed her king as the two entered the kingdom.

“See? What did I tell ya?” John said as the two looked at Mimi and Yaya as the two were passed out on the kitchen counter with pieces of cookies and crumbs scattered around them. Their stomachs were bulging out thanks to the sheer amount of cookies the two indulged in.

“Indeed you were correct, my liege. What shall we do with them?” asked Gali as she walked over and stroked their heads as they slept peacefully.

“Let’s carry them to bed and we’ll have to have another stern talking to with them. And maybe let’s see about installing magical locks on the cookie jar cupboard,” John said as he picked up Mimi in his arms while Gali did the same with Yaya. “But you know what gets me every time?” John asked Gali.

“What’s that, my lord?” replied Gali.

“That the two could easily use Yatina to fly up to the cupboard to get the cookie jar but for whatever reason they always climb on the chair and then the counter,” John said with a chuckle as he put the chair back where it belonged.