Cave Time Blues

“So, let me get this straight,” a feminine voice said in a poorly lit room. “I tell you that intruders appeared in my kingdom and, instead of taking care of them yourself, YOU SEND GOD DAMN GAZIMON TO CAPTURE THEM?!” the voice yelled at the feminine form in front of the throne. “Remind me again how I allow you to rule a fucking sector of my glorious kingdom?!” the voice snarled at the creature that knelt at the throne.

“I=I am sorry, my empress!” the servant told its empress. “I didn’t know they’d be this troublesome!” the digimon said in its defense.

“You didn’t know? You didn’t know? YOU DIDN’T KNOW?!” questioned the Digimon Empress. “I FUCKING TOLD EXACTLY HOW TROUBLESOME THEY’D BE! NOW GO OUT THERE AND FIX YOUR FUCKING MESS BEFORE I MAKE YOU INTO A GOD DAMN DIGITAMA AND USE THAT TO MAKE A FUCKING OMELET!”

“Right away, my empress. I shall not fail you again!” the digimon said before it quickly scurried away. This left the Digimon Empress alone to ponder her thoughts.

“That fucking Bastemon has one fucking job. And yet it’s incapable of doing that! If it weren’t for Bastemon’s goddamn cat tongue I would have destroyed it ages ago,” The Digitmon Empress let out an exasperated sigh. “Maybe I should call over a Kentarumon or Minotaurmon to have a stress relief session? Mmm, yes...I like that idea…” said the Digimon Empress to nobody in particular as she laid back in her chair and hit a few buttons that were located on the wrist of her gauntlet she wore. A flash of light illuminated the room as a figure appeared in the light, ready to follow the commands of its empress.

“Ok, this cave seems like a good place to get some R&R,” John told the group as they all piled into the cave.

“Like, why does it have to be caves?” Sam asked rhetorically as she sighed. “Like, why can’t it be, like, a 5 star hotel?” She asked nobody in particular as she found a rock to sit on and leaned against the wall of the cave.

“I mean, I wouldn’t be opposed to a 5 star hotel, complete with room service,” Shelly said as she found a spot near Sam.

“Mmm, with a nice hot bath…” Gali said as she imagined herself in a hot bath, the warm water washed her body clean of the dirt, guck, and sweat she had gathered so far on this mission.

“Yes, yes, a hotel would be much better than the cave we are currently in. But, in case you girls haven't noticed, we’re in the goddamn Digital World so who knows when we’ll find one of those,” John said in a rather annoyed tone. All three girls glared at him and, at that moment, John realized he done fucked up. “Ok, listen, I’m sorry. I might have snapped a bit at you three,” John apologized in an attempt to smooth things over. “I, too, would like to be in a 5 star hotel that had a nice swimming pool in it to do some laps,” John said in an attempt to keep the conversation alive.

“Mmm, a pool would be nice,” Shelly said.

“Like, a few laps would make the stress just melt away,” Sam happily remarked.

“It reminds me of swimming in the lake of light back home…” Gali said as she drifted into nostalgic thoughts. The group all sat around and daydreamed about a hotel for them to all stay in and have fun in. Meanwhile, in another part of the cave, Tailmon and DarkTailmon had somehow been tricked into babysitters of Mimi, Yaya, and all the baby digimon.

“All I want to do is naaaaaaaaaaaaaap,” whined BlackTailmon as Yuramon and Zurumon attempted to grab its tail as BlackTailmon swung it back and forth off the rock it had laid down on.

“The little ones are enjoying attempting to catch your tail. Please just continue to play with them. They really like you,” Tailmon asked its twin. BlackTailmon let out a sigh as it laid its head back down but allowed its tail to continue to swing.

“Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man!” Mimi said happily as she clapped her hands against Lunamon’s hands.

“Bake me a cake as fast as you can!” Yatina happily sang as she clapped her own hands against that of Coronamon.

“Roll it, pat it, and mark it with a B!” continued Mimi as the foursome continued to play Patty Cake.

“Put it in the oven for baby and me!” finished Yatina as the game of Patty Cake ended. All four let out a laugh at the game they played.

“Wow, these games are simple yet fun!” Lunamon happily told the two derps, who nodded in agreement.

“I do find myself rather enjoying these simple games,” admitted Coronamon. “What other ones do you have?” asked the fiery digimon.

“Uuuuummmmmmm,” said Mimi as she thought of another game.

“Eeeeeerrrrrmmmm,” mumbled Yaya as she also thought of another game.

“Did we play…” started Mimi.

“Yep…” interjected Yatina. “What about…”

“Oh we did that one first,” Mimi told Yatina.

“I’m out of ideas…” Mimi said, dejected.

“Me tooooooo!” a sad Yatina told everyone.

“Oh dear. Sorry, you two. Perhaps we can find something else to do,” Lunamon said as it attempted to salvage the situation.

“Hmm. Perhaps we can ask someone else for a game?” suggested Coronamon.
Suddenly, the cavern shook violently, which snapped everyone in the cave back to the present.

“What was that?” asked Shelly.

“An earthquake, perhaps?” pondered Gali. Her thought was proven wrong when the cave shook two more times in quick succession.

“No, we’re under attack!” realized John who quickly stood up. “Gali, go to the derps and have them work on hatching your digitama. I know you wanted to take your time with it, but we’re out of time now. Send our digimon here to the entrance, please. We’re going to need them,” John ordered his High Priestess.

“Of course, my liege,” Gali said she gave John a slight bow and quickly headed further into the cave to where the derps and digimon were at.

“Sam, Shelly, with me to the entrance. Darcmon and Gryzmon should be nearby and could have a better idea of what is going on,” John told the two. They both nodded in silence and followed after him. The three quickly raced to the entrance, which took longer than they would have hoped since they had to stop and brace themselves whenever an attack shook the entire cave.

“Gryzmon, Darcmon, what is happening?” John asked as the group finally reached the mouth of the cave.

“We’re under attack by Witchmon,” Gryzmon told John and the girls.

“These nasty digimon appeared out of nowhere and somehow knew exactly where we were,” Darcmon told the group. “Instead of coming into the cave, they just launched attacks in an attempt to trap us in the cave,” finished Darcmon.

“I mean, its a solid strategy. Why face direct confrontation when you can just trap your enemies in a cave and let them starve to ****,” John pointed out.

“Like, total dick move,” Sam said in disagreement with the way the Witchmon fought them.

“I agree with her,” Shelly said in agreement with Sam.

“Well yes, I agree, they are dicks. But they are also called Witchmon, so are you surprised they are being evil?” John asked the two girls, who glared at him before they responded.

“So, like, are you, like, saying that witches are, like, inherently evil?” asked Sam in a very stern voice.

“So, any woman who gains some magic is evil, is that what you are implying?” John looked between the two girls and looked at them in disbelief.