Leads to lack of shame

At the time this took place I did not have a resource like Google . And I was naiive or unworldly and unknowing about the sub world of homosexual men . How they came together and what they did when they were together . The concept of ' tops ' and ' bottoms ' and the range of perversions possible were knowledge that I aquired more from the internet than my own life .

I did not know that in the city where I lived there were places where men would go to find other men for sex .To-day a Google search for ' Cruising ' plus your location gives all you might want to know . Discovering a local cruising area ( a 'stroll 'is my word for it ) was simply chance .

As you know my life included crossdressing behaviours and homosexual yearnings . But being married and having that outlet for sexual need neutralized seeking out men - even if there had been a man with whom I could meet .

Not that I gave up panties . I loved them too much . Getting them , looking at how in the mirror they followed clungg to the curve of my ass , day dreaming of the reactions of men seeing me in them - I was - and am - psychologically stuck .It was not possible to to hide that from my wife - the physical existence of the underwear that is ( I never admitted to the rest ) . She found it unacceptable but ones that were relatively masculine - no frills , monochrome and ' high-rise ' were tolerated - just . I was allowed , just , tonhave ones with scalloped hems but they had to be fine - less fem .

The balance of this equilibrium got tilted by a walk that chanced to pass a stroll . I did not know it was a cruising area but intuited it when spotting a denizen . We did not make close contact - 100 feet perhaps - but close enough for his minimal ( he was otherwise naked ) clothing to be ascertainable . In Scotland they would be called ' trews ' - underpants to be worn under a kilt . There may have been other colours but green his were green was usual - probably to coincide with common kilt colours . The material was a strong but pliable cotton . Unlike menswear there was no aperture at the front - you could imagine you were in panties . ( In youth I wore some , and would tell you about what happened but the site monitor might spike it .)

This man wore a green underwear that could have ben ' trews ' ( for which no obvious reason would be evident ) , or something similar intended to resemble female underwear . When he saw me he ducked back intothe scrub whence he had come , an action that confirmed my guess he was cruising for a sex partner .

This knowledge incubated ; I needed to see the place and wear panties there , myself and could not prevent day dreams that saw me being partially and enticingly dressed and being seen ( later components of the core day dream varied but the mens' various demands of me all required my submission .) I had to go there . Had to .

Fear ; always . Fear of being identified . So keep your car away from the scene . Geography helped ; the ground was a triangular patch of bushes and trees bounded by a highway , a rail line and a cemetery . I could get there by bicycle , secrete the bike in the cemetery and climb over the fence .

As with my first abortive try at getting with a man , my planning was simple but well thought out . I would wear shorts with my panties underneath .When at the stroll I could roll the upper edge of the shorts down and the legs up . I would expose enough of my panties ( being black , nylon , and having a scalloped trim at the legs I was sure this would work ) for them to be clearly such to anyone from a few feet away . That way I would have nothing to carry , and the unsexy but gender neutral cotton vest on top could be ignored .

When the time came the effort required for cycling dispersed apprehension , but closer when climbing the 6 foot fence ( after a careful scan for observers ) and clambering down to the path ( a triangle of beaten earth following the perimeter ) I was nervous . But feelingg thrilled .

Thrilled is not sufficient to describe how my state changed .

I was completely ' in heat ' - that expression used for how animals behave as instinct and opportunity for copulation arise : as in a retinue of dogs , oblivious to kicks or competition who pursue the irresistable waftings of the glands of a female .

That was me - in heat - and because of that intense focus , fear of discovery , disease , or rejection ceased to enter my mind .

And so primed I hitched my shorts and proceeded . Within 20 yards I came accross my first ' date ' . An old man . Sitting on a slope , Languidly masturbating . I remember he was skinny ( and old ) and that his longish penis was skinny as he stretched it , and that he too was wearing shorts - his being wide open . He gave no sign when I sat beside him . I pulled off my shorts and said ( how I summoned the nerve to make such statements only the foregoing speculations could explain ) "Can I sit on your lap ?"

" Be my guest " .

The awkwardness of doing this on a slope required the support of my arms to prevent a downhill slide , and I wanted to get my panties down for him to get his penis between my cheeks . I managed somehow , and he manouvered himself to a suitable position to be able to penetrate me . As I had no lubricant ( he may have ) it would probably have been an intolerably painful deflowering of my ( still virginal ) anus . His previously skinny prick had become tumescent and engorged I could sense it's rubbery presence on my skin ; and this awareness - that wearing my panties and showing myself submissive to him had got a man's penis all hard and wanting to fuck me tipped a need for instant release . Still perched over his flagpole I supported myself by tilting and used my free hand to bring myself quick and huge relief .

Following which I immediately rolled off him and pulled my panties back up . It was very selfish - if I could relive that moment I would at least masturbate him , spitting on my hand to improve the sensation for him . But shame , and a partial return of the fear ruled the day . Before I scurried away he said ( a heavy Dutch accent ) " I could have done that for you . "

I gained experience . Where the place was , how to approach and how easy it would be to find a partner - actually I only became aware of how well used it was on later occasions but even on the first I could see the seclusion even within the city would make it purely the haunt of my fellow perverts so there would be no risk of exhibiting my wares to someone who would take offence . The only other men there were the occasional summertime derelict ( I was spoken to by one who said " there are more of them over there ( - meaning homosexuals , though not necessarily ones dressed as I was , in a skirt -certainly eye catching in the circumstance - and which must have been what prompted him to come up with his well intended directions .)

But I am jumping ahead - it took some time to begin wearing a skirt , and learning the ropes was part of my apprenticeship that it will please me to aquaint you with .