Introducing the Contastants

"Alright, then, let's meet our bimbos-to-be!" said Biff. "Paul?"

At the mention of "Paul," the lights dimmed and several hunky beefcake types dressed in tuxedos lined up outside the stage entry door, forming an honor guard of sorts. A single bright spotlight shone on the door. The unseen Paul's deep baritone boomed throughout the studio.

"Thank you, Biff! Our first contestant is a five foot, four inch natural blonde who just gave birth to a healthy baby girl after a mere nine day pregnancy. Everybody give a warm welcome to twenty-two year old Tonya Stuart!"

On cue, a brief old-time burlesque short played as Tonya stepped through the stage door and walked between the tuxedoed hunks. The spotlight followed her until she stopped next to Biff amid heavy applause. As the applause began to die down, a few notes of Paul Anka's "Having My Baby" sounded. Tonya blushed as the crowd laughed appreciatively.

"Our next contestant is a five foot, seven inch red-headed sophisticate who managed to get in touch with her inner child when she was arrested while wearing a diaper. Say hello to twenty-four year old Laura Sadler!"

Sleek, cool and collected, Laura strolled through the stage door to the sounds of Bruce Springsteen's "Red-Headed Woman." She made her way between the hunks and finally stopped next to Tonya. As the song faded away, the belled notes of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" sounded briefly. Laura's mouth tightened as the crowd laughed once again.

"Our third contestant is a five foot, six inch brunette who stood tough against her former gang mates when they turned on her, leaving her trapped on all fours with a dildo stuck deep in her rear end. A big welcome to twenty-two year old Erica Mullen!"

Oh, fuck. That was my cue, and I should have realized they'd make some reference to the embarrassing position I was in when the police arrived at the museum. Grrrrrrrr. I walked through the door- almost stomping- as the words to Heart's "Barracuda" suddenly sounded. I made my way past the beefcakes, practically blinded by the spotlight, until I was standing next to Laura. Just as I settled in place, the song stopped, followed briefly by Jim Morrison singing, "Oh, I'm a backdoor man..." The crowd laughed again, although I certainly wasn't amused.

"And finally, the five foot, nine inch black-haired leader of the gang who masterminded the botched break-in and arranged Erica's betrayal. A warm welcome for twenty-three year old Christine Collinsworth!"

Chrissie walked through the door to the sounds of Santana's "Witchy Woman." There was a great deal of applause, but several boos could be heard as well. The song faded as Chrissie stepped in place next to me. Then the line "I'm a bitch" from the Meredith Brooks' song sounded clearly. There were several snickers from the audience. Apparently many in the audience did not favor back-stabbers.