(Music fades in)
Long aerial shot of the resort from the sky above. Snow falls gently. Smash cut to the empty chair lifts ascending the mountain. The camera follows one gondola to the top then pans to a small hut with a sign reading “Warming House”. The hut is staffed by what seems to be a giant, lazily sipping a disconcertingly small cup of hot cocoa. He raises the mug in a mocking salute.

Cut again to an aerial of the skating rink, then the visibly steaming outdoor hot tubs. Smash cut to POV shot following the downhill twists and turns of the Alpine slide. As the luge-like ride comes to an end, the camera once more takes flight before alighting on a cross country ski trail which it follows at breakneck speeds, before once more smash cutting to the interior of a large kitchen where an old ogress stirs a pot of soup. She lifts the ladle to taste it and smiles up at the camera, which again turns and makes its way through a pair of swinging doors into a lavishly appointed dining room. The camera glides through the halls of the chalet showing hardwood floors and varnished wood paneling on the walls, through the pool area, into and out of steam rooms, through the arcade, literally leaping over a pool table, all the while increasing in speed with the tempo of the music until it is racing along into the main sitting area in front of the fireplace at the full crescendo.

The title appears in bold Exocet font:

HAREM HOTEL

Followed by an invisible hand writing in flowing calligraphy:

Alpine Chalet

Finally the camera pans to a love seat occupied by Bob, now dressed to the nines in the cutaway tux, and Heidi in a green evening gown with a neckline so deep that plunging doesn’t do it justice, which matches the studs and cuff links of Bob’s attire. Close up of Heidi as she begins to speak.

“Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and those for whom we’ve yet to find a suitable honorific to address with, to this edition of Harem Hotel! I’m Adelheid, and over the next seven weeks you and I are going to become the best of friends, while I act as your eyes, ears, and hands guiding seven lucky contestants down the path to eventual blissful servitude to one very special man.

“Speaking of which, allow me to introduce Robert James Dobbs, or Bob as he prefers to be called.” The camera pans over to Bob who looks incredibly uncomfortable. “Bob, tell us a little about yourself.”

Bob looks like he’s about to throw up, his complexion taking on a decidedly green cast. His eyes take on a panicked look as his mouth opens without his permission and he begins speaking. “Sure, Heidi. I’m forty-seven years old as of last month, divorced twice, and over the last three decades I’ve had about twenty different jobs.” His lips curl into a wry smirk, belied by the terror in his eyes. “I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up.”

“And why are you here on Harem Hotel?”

“Honestly Heidi, if something in my life didn’t change I was probably going to jump off a bridge within the next year.” Bob looks utterly shocked by this revelation. “Shit, I didn’t even realize that myself.”

Heidi’s sunny expression doesn’t leave her face. “Those watching at home who have seen previous editions of this show may have noticed something different in our selections this time around. For this special edition of the show, we’ve decided to save this man’s life, and to that end we’re going to give him all his heart desires. We’re going to do good for a change!” Canned applause rings out from the audience that isn’t there. “To that end, we’re going to take Bob on a little trip down memory lane. Let’s start by bringing in our first contestant, shall we? Ms. Burnett, if you would?”

Awkward and embarrassing. Those are the two best words to describe KJ’s entrance. Her feet aren’t doing well in the four inch heels the damn dwarves stuffed her into, and speaking of stuffed, she feels like a sausage, wearing the form fitting white ball gown. At least her limp and lifeless hair has been styled into something vaguely resembling fashionable. The fact that her body seems to be moving of its own accord only heightens her self-consciousness, as her flab jiggles it’s way to one of the chairs in front of the fireplace.

“No…no… this won’t do at all.” Heidi idly taps herself on the chin. She looks over at Bob, who’s expression has gone to one of abject confusion, clearly having no idea who this woman is. “Well, nothing for it but to carry on with the first round of transformations right now I suppose.”

Heidi waves her hand and the room fills with flurries, obstructing the camera’s view of KJ and looking like someone shook up a snow globe. “She broke his heart almost thirty years ago, shattering his already fragile self esteem and setting him on a path of second-guessing himself that has plagued him to this day. These days she lives in a one bedroom apartment paid for by alimony from the idiot she left Our Special Man for and goes by the name KJ Burnett, but back then he knew her as…. Kathy Jo Vincent!”

The flurries drop away revealing a slender, almost boyish frame, yellowish aged skin replaced by a healthy looking smooth tan, the once lifeless greying hair now hanging to chin length in a curly dirty blonde bob. The dress which looked so ridiculous on her now accentuates her waifish appearance. Bob’s eyes grow wide in recognition.

“And here she is wearing the very prom dress that Bob didn’t get to destroy that night. We’ll have to fix that, won’t we. Now… what do you have to say to the viewers at home, KJ?”

“Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod!”

“That’ll do, pig. Have a seat.”

The chair scoots forward knocking KJ’s legs out from under her. Her large brown eyes still wide with shock she continues to mumble to herself under her breath.

“Next up…”