Of a wholesome community

“First of all, some announcements: Me and Masie tagged along with Lorna to her latest scan and I’m happy to report ‘Our Little Experiment’ is still growing happy and healthy!”

The vicar must have caught your confused expression, as he offered an explanation directly toward you.

“The glowing beauty next to you joined us last year aching for a child of her own, but with a fierce independence and history of disappointing unions that would not tolerate any single partner. So instead we suggested that the community as a whole offer our assistance… and here we are seven months later awaiting a little miracle that we can all welcome as family.”

You turned to look at the towering woman in question, and were met with a smile that beamed with pride. Whatever else could be said, it was clear that she had got what she wanted from this arrangement.

Mr Donnahue had already moved on to other things however. “Also, I believe the Harris’s have some exciting news…?”

A distinctly suburbanite family of three became the focus of the circle; complete with mustachioed father looking like he’d much rather be fully clothed watching football right now, a shy, slightly pudgy daughter staring at her feet and beginning to turn beet red and the mother who had clearly dragged both into this whole situation and had clearly agonised long and hard over how best to accessorise ‘completely naked’. It was, of course, her who stepped forward to make their announcement:

“*Ahem*... Yes, we are happy to announce that, at 18 and three-quarters years of age, our Jenny has finally lost her virginity to that Stevenson boy from down the lane.”

She paused to allow for a polite little round of applause at this point, with several token ‘whoop’s from the crowd. While the presumed ‘Jenny’ in question turned an even brighter shade of crimson.

“We’d like to thank all of you for all your help and guidance in making this happen and, as James and Masie advised, we did film the entire encounter. So, after service, we would like to invite you all to a little screening in our front room where you could provide some further notes going forward for her further sexual journey… I will, of course, be providing drinks and refreshments.”

You weren’t sure the young woman in question could reach a brighter colour, as the focus of attention finally drifted away from her. Yet somehow, the way her mother had described the scenario made it sound like the ‘drinks and refreshments’ were the more important factor at play. Having had a parent of similar obsessions in ‘keeping up appearances’ and ‘hosting little soirees’, you could only imagine the embarrassment of combining that with an overtly open window into your burgeoning adolescent sex-life. Still, it was funny how it all came down to the same brush with different strokes: painting false chastity or how proudly uninhibited your household was… it all just came down to showing off to try and hide your own insecurities.

“How wonderful! Jenny, I hope you can tell how proud we all are of you taking this first step on a long journey and how excited we will be to see where it takes you next. Another round of applause for her, please!”

The vicar waited for this clatter to peel away, before resuming his wide grin.

“And now, we will begin with the opening liturgy… which I believe my darling wife would like to take the honour of. Did you have a specific partner in mind today, my love?”

He spoke the words with clearly practiced charm, though Masie’s excitement made it all too clear she had been waiting for this moment on tenterhooks. She stepped forward toward the altar and opened her arms wide.

“Yes! I would like to welcome Ben into the embrace of our community.”

Mr Donnahue turned towards your lover with a slight sigh and a sly roll of the eyes, as if gently teasing his spouse for this very predictable show of enthusiasm.

“Well then, new friend and honoured guest. Do you consent? Will you provide the love of my life with what she so clearly desires?”