Idiot!

The woman who had been haunting my thoughts since the bridge cruises past the gas station, both hands on the wheel and staring straight ahead without a sideways glance either left or right. Her focus felt too intense, the ignoring of her surroundings too conspicuous, to be accidental. My guess is that she had spotted my car before I noticed her and was deliberately pretending not to see me. After what I had stumbled upon out there I could understand her not wanting to acknowledge anything about it.

Relief fills me to see her alive and well. Well…alive at least. I hadn’t expected to ever see her again, she had driven off in the opposite direction from Halcyon and I’d assumed her face would live as a ghost in my memory until it eventually faded away, the perfect mystery woman never to be unraveled. Yet there she was again, as haughty and beautiful as ever. Weirdly, her purposefully ignoring me as if she were above even noticing a good ol’ boy like me only made her somehow…hotter.

Words fade off mid-sentence, my banter with Terry momentarily forgotten, as I wander out onto the road to watch the Beetle drive about halfway through town then turn down one of the side streets. She must live here in Halcyon!

“Who was that!?” I ask, pointing after the bug.

“Mei?” Terry says, half-heartedly swiping the squeegee across my bug-gut encrusted windshield as he looked off in the direction she’d gone. “Don’t bother. You can look but don’t touch. The ice queen will freeze you with a look.”

“Mei.” I say under my breath with a smile. Looking back at him I ask. “The ice queen?”

“I went to school with her. She’s not mean really, just real shy and quiet. Keeps to herself, sets herself apart. Every guy in class tried to solve that Rubik’s Cube. Turns out there ain’t no solution.” He says. “Thinks she’s too good for this town. Too good for anybody.”

My mind tried to combine the image of this shy, frigid snob Terry was telling me about and that fractured soul filled with the most raw and honest emotions I’d ever seen and damned if I could make those things make sense. I whisper. “Maybe…she’s right.”

“What?”

“Nothin.” I turn back and approach him. The ten and the five, pinched between two fingers, is passed in his direction as if they were chump change and not fifty percent of my entire monetary worth. “Thanks man.”

“Yep.” He says. “Suppose I’ll be seeing you around.”

“I’m stayin just yonder so count on it.” I say and hop into my car.

I drive the thirty yards from pump to the parking spot below Room 212. Collecting up my backpack and duffel bag I climb the outdoor stairs to the second level and let myself into my new abode. I step into the room with a cheery. “Home sweet home.”

The room was exactly what I’d expected, same as million other motel rooms the country over, though this one’s decor hadn’t been updated since…well, probably around 1994. It consisted of one main room with a washroom at the back furnished with a queen-size bed, a single chair, a half dresser on either side of the bed that also acted as night stands, a desk, a TV, an alarm clock and a phone. After dumping my bags on the bed I check the desk to see a local phone book, a bible, a couple of pens and a pad of paper. I step into the washroom and I’m immediately hit with the rotten egg smell Barb warned me about. It wasn’t as bad as I’d expected and by the odor I was pretty confident that it was something I could deal with. I throw the curtains open to let in the golden late day light and look out over the parking lot, highway, gas station and the restaurant that beckoned.

Despite my hunger I take a bit of time to settle in, unpack and reflect on my day. When I check my phone I find that it was 5:53pm. With the hour difference between here and Georgia I had just over an hour before I had to call home. Perfect! Plenty of time to eat myself into blissful agony in the meantime. Noticing my battery was getting low I leave my phone charging then jog across to stuff my face.

***

“Ohhhh.” An hour later I groan with a grin, rubbing my distended overfull belly as I climb the steps. The Great Wall had been everything I hoped it would be, allowing me to consume an obscene amount of deep-fried batter and enough MSG to kill an elephant. And as I ate I had ended up flirting with a local…sexually liberated female who had told me she’d buy me a beer if I stopped by the pub later. A new job, a full belly and prospects for a fun night? I was one happy boy! I think I am going to like this Halcyon.

On entering the room my eyes dart to the bedside clock. Five minutes to seven. Perfect.

My good mood continues right up until the moment I pick up my phone. There were more texts and three missed calls, all of them from home. My heart dropping in fear that something had happened I unplug the phone and call back without delay.

On the second ring the call is answered. It was my father, his deep voice as hard as steel in a tone that instantly turned me 12 years old again. “Dusty! Where in the HELL were you, boy?”

“Dad, I was just…I was just eating dinner.” I stammer. “My phone was charging…”

“Eating dinner!?” He bellows. In the background I hear Mom’s voice asking if it was me, her tone more worried but just as upset as Dad’s. “You selfish little prick! You PROMISED you wouldn’t miss a call. You promised!” It was then I hear my big brother Ric half shouting, half crying. I curl into myself, tears misting my eyes, as I could see him as clear as day wedged into the corner rocking so hard his back is thumping the wall, his hands over his ears and his eyes clamped shut. Oh God! My father continues, his voice calming not for my sake but Ric’s. “We asked only one thing of you, Dusty. Only one single thing…”

“Dad! I know. I know.” I say. “I don’t understand. It’s 7 here in South Dakota. Same as last night. That’s 8 your time.”

He sighs and with a fragile control says. “Dusty…South Dakota has two time zones.”

Ohhhh fuck! It was 9 back home!

“Dad.” I say. “I swear I didn’t know.”

“Yeah. Not your fault, as always.”

In the background I hear Mom ask if I was okay. Dad answers her. “He was having dinner.”

I wince as his answer left out all context, making it sound like I had casually shrugged off my nightly call as their world fell apart. I take a deep breath. Now was not the time for explanations or arguments. Right now my brother was all that mattered.

“Dad.” I say. “Let me talk to him.”

“I’m putting you on speaker.” A moment later the noises of home come through the speaker.

My heart breaks as I hear my big brother’s panicked voice repeating. “Dusty lost. Dusty lost. Dusty can’t come home no more.”

After another deep breath where I swallow the feelings that threatened to make my voice quiver I say in a soft, happy tone. “Hey champ. It’s Dusty.”

“Dusty lost. Dusty lost.” My brother continues to repeat the line like a mantra, the thumping of his rocking loud enough to come through the phone, until Mom can finally coax his hands from off his ears.

She says. “Ric. Dusty’s on the phone.” It takes some soothing and repetition but eventually the message gets through.

“Dusty?”

“Hey champ.” I say in my ‘hero’ voice. “How you doing?”

There is some rustling. I knew he was grabbing the phone and running to another room so he could have me to himself. I wait patiently until he was ready to talk. As I wait I am silently castigating myself for not knowing about the time zone change. I had thought that drive from Sioux Falls had gone by awful quickly, that’s because I’d dropped an hour along the way without realizing it. FUCK! IDIOT!

At last he talks. “Hey Dusty.” He says with a sniffle. “Did you…have a hamburger?”

“No hamburger tonight.” I say. “Buffet tonight.”

“Ohhhh!”

I let out a soft laugh, more to lift his spirit than because I felt like laughing. “I wish it was a hamburger buffet.”

“Yes!” He says excitedly. “I’d eat them all!”

“I know you would, champ.” I say, heart beginning to rise with his brightening mood. “You tha man, Ric.”

“You da man, Dusty!” He shouts. “Wooo! To be da man…”

“…you gotta beat the man!” I say back with passion.

“Tower of power!”

“Too sweet to be sour.”

“Man of the hour!”

We laugh as one. For the next twenty minutes I talk with my brother about the usual things, the Atlanta Braves dominating most of the conversation as normal with whole sections repeated almost verbatim sometimes three or four times. Thankfully my call had come before things had developed into a full-blown crisis, though it was way too close for comfort. Ric did best with repetition and a very rigid schedule. His days were laid out to be nearly identical one to the next and one of the most important events of his day was the 8pm call from his little brother. Having DS-ASD Ric’s need for order and my freewheeling lifestyle did not and could not mesh well, which was one of the main reasons I was on the road. My parents thought it might be for the best if I kept my chaos as far from their doorstep as possible and I couldn’t even argue with them about it, because they were right. It was a source of great guilt I carried every day, but staying behind was simply not an option. Being back there, having to live that life, it would have broken me eventually. Maybe I was selfish or maybe it was just how it had to be, either way it was what it was.

After Ric telling me in minute detail about his day we get to the part of the conversation where Ric wanted to hear about my adventures. As I reflect on my day there is only one part that stands out among the rest.

“I met a girl today on a train bridge.” I say. “Real pretty. She wore funny clothes. Had a car that looked like a shiny tangerine orange.” He laughs that pure, unfiltered laugh of his that never failed to brighten my day. “I’m serious! She drives around in an orange.”

“HA HA HA! She does not!”

“Well, practically.”

“Pretty girl.”

“Real pretty.”

“Funny clothes.”

“Well, not clown clothes funny. But funny.”

“HA!” He chortles. “Clown girl.”

“Sad girl.”

“Ohhh.”

“It’s okay.” I say, regretting I’d added that last bit. “I cheered her up.”

“Yeah you did.” He says, as if he knew something I didn’t. “Oh! Mom’s here. Gotta go.”

“Sure, champ.” I say. “Hey. Hey, Ric. I love you. I miss you, big brother.”

“Yep!” He chirps his usual reply, which I knew really meant ‘I love you too’. “Talk tomorrow, Dusty.”

“Count on it.” I say with all my heart. “I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

The next voice I hear is my mother’s. “Dusty?”

I sigh, all the joy I’d just gotten from Ric draining from me. I knew the scenes Ric would have caused and I knew they were my fault. “I’m sorry, Mum.”

“Dusty.” She says softly. “We don’t ask much from you…”

“I know. I know, Mom. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Ric needs that call, Dusty. To know you’re okay.”

“I know, Mom. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”

The promise hangs in the silence between us as we both knew that I wouldn’t be able to live up to it. She then says, her soft voice warming. “Where are you, Dusty?”

“A place called Halcyon. In South Dakota.” I say. “I’ve picked up a job. I’ll be staying here a little while.”

“Send me the address.”

“I will.”

“Hey, you okay?”

I pause, wanting so badly to tell Mom all my fears and worries. But, as it had been since even before I was born, she had her hands full enough with Dad and Ric. That last thing she needed was to hear the issues of her wayward, irresponsible son to add to her burden.

“I’m okay.” I say. “This place seems really nice. Got invited out for a beer already.”

“Of course you did.” Mom lets out a soft laugh. “Wear a condom, young man.”

“Mom!” We laugh before I answer. “I will.”

“Incorrigible.” She chuckles, the laughter quickly fading as Ric and Dad’s raised voices could be heard in the background. “Hey…”

“I know, you have to go.”

“I love you, Dusty.” She says. “You stay safe, huh?”

“Always.” I say. “Love you too.”

The phone slips from my hand onto the bed after the calls ends. I sit on the bed with my head in my hands as the sounds of Ric’s freak out echo in my mind. Fucking time zones.

“Idiot!”

With an angry sigh, angry at myself, I shake my head and stand, determined to distract myself from my guilt one way or another. I peer out the window and down toward the town bar where I knew I had a cold beer and a warm woman waiting for me.