Half and Half

"Well, she couldn't have taken everything!" Miranda said as she got to her feet, racing towards her bedroom with Jack in tow. The dark haired woman threw open her closet, and was immediately greeted by empty hangers. "Oh, that little..."

"Bitch swiped the towels and sheets too! Jack called out as she came back from the bathroom. "I swear, if I ever see Kasumi again, I'll jam that head of hers so far down her throat, she'll have to talk outta her ass!"

"Well, this is just -" Miranda growled as she walked over to her dresser, giving pause as she picked up a note and read it.

"I'm not a complete monster. Of course I left you girls something. By the way, Lawson: Cute undies. ;p."

Miranda threw open the drawers and was greeted by only one set of underwear. Unfortunately, said underwear was a hot pink, fuzzy, and lacey set of lingerie that Joker had bought her for a gag gift at the last Christmas party.

"You know, I laughed at those then. But now...?" Jack muttered as she eyed the lingerie.

"I can not believe this is happening!" Miranda groaned as she handed Jack the thong and she began to put on the bra.

"Hold it! Why the hell do you get the bra?!" Jack spat.

"Well, it's... I mean... You don't..."

"Oh, ha fucking ha!" Jack spat, "'Jack's got no tits, so let her be the one topless'!"

"That is not what I meant!" Miranda retaliated.

"Well, Honey, there's no other way you could've put it!"

"Well excuse me for being a, quote unquote, 'Good Wife' and having my bloody ass sticking out so you can have some covering too!" Miranda spat back, "Besides, there is nothing wrong with small breasts! I, for one, find small breasts on a woman extremely attractive!"

"Oh, is th- What?"

"What?" Miranda asked, blushing profusely as she realized what she just said out loud. "Nevermind!"

"No, what the hell did you just say?!"

"I said 'Nevermind', Jack!"

"Before that!"

"Drop it, Subject Zero!"

"No! You said -"

"Look, do you want to find a way out of this or not?!" Miranda finally exploded, "Because, I don't know about you, but I really don't want to be completely naked in front of any of our friends again if we find a way to get their help! So either you put on the thong and drop this, or I'm throwing your naked ass out of this apartment with a bold 'Tickle Me Jackie! Try me, I really laugh!' written in permanent marker on your chest! Which are you picking?!"

"... Okay, not gonna lie. I actually got fucking chills from that."

"Jack!"

"Alright, alright!" Jack snapped as she slid on the thong, "Keep your shirt - er, calm your tits!"

"Good." Miranda calmly stated as she finished putting on the bra. After the two were "dressed", Jack and Miranda turned to one another, the former covering her breasts while the latter covered her crotch. "Now then, we just need to find a way to contact help without our omnitools. Now, as far as I know, Jane has a house here on the outskirts of the city. If we stick to the back roads and wooded areas -"

"That's your fucking plan?!" Jack shouted, "Going streaking to Shepard's?! And doesn't she live, like, twenty miles away from you?!"

"Twenty-six and a half, actually, but -"

"Hell no!"

"Well, Sugar Booger," Miranda spat, "do you have a better idea! Because, unless somebody made cellphones relevant again and I wasn't aware, I'd just love to hear it!"