Group Breakfast

You got up at your normal time after an ok night's sleep. You didn't have to pass any of the other houses so you did the chores alone. As you finished you started towards Amy's house, you wanted to see her and you didn't because you were afraid what might happen. Everyone was in the kitchen as Amy was setting out food for everyone.

Amy paused when she saw you, "good morning," she offered giving you a quick kiss on the cheek pulling away before you could embrace her.

You took a seat and Kylie sat next to you on one side Amy on the other. No one spoke, you wished with every fiber of your being that Nyx would start rambling.

"You didn't come get me this morning," said Nyx, "normally you walk past to do chores and I help."

"I'm staying in another house, I didn't pass you," you said, "I'm sorry I'll get you tomorrow."

"You aren't living here?" she asked incredulously, "but you," she turned to Amy who was staring stoicly as her plate, "and Amy."

There was silence again as Nyx seemed to be working through everything in her head.

"So Amy threw you out?"

"No-" you started.

"Because you fucked her," said Nyx pointing at Kylie.

"No-" started Amy.

Now you were wishing Nyx was quiet.

"Is this my fault because I invited her to stay?" asked Nyx, "did I break you two up."

"We're not broken up," you said.

"We're taking time apart," said Amy.

"Nonono," said Nyx, "he's a wreck without you, and the fighting with her," she said again motioning at Kylie, "oh this is bad."

Nyx ran out the front door and you all sat in silence as Sara ate.

"I'm," you said not sure if you wanted to explode or turn invisible, "I'm not hungry."

You got up and Amy made no effort to follow you. It was loud outside, everything was loud, and this thumping was it your heart. You were having another panic attack which after a lifetime of having none a second in as many weeks you took to be a very good sign.

"Dave," you finally heard as you felt a hand on your chest.

You turned and saw Kylie standing next to you.

"You're having a panic attack," she said.

You took a deep breath and gave her a thumbs up.

"Don't play big strong man with me dipshit," said Kylie.

She brought you to the porch of the house she shared with Nyx and sat you down.

"Are you ok?" she finally asked.

"You don't have to," you started, "you don't owe me anything."

"You dipshit," said Kylie, "that's the difference between us, I'm going to help you because you need it even if I'm still mad at you."

"I don't know what caused it," you said.

"Have you ever had one before?"

"No," you lied.

Kylie punched your arm, "try harder."

"Once, I was with Amy in Seattle, I just told her that I loved her and we were on the sidewalk and I heard a bus."

"You thought you were going to lose her," said Kylie, "and this morning when she said you were on a break, that's not how you saw it so now you think you're losing her."

You nodded, words weren't helping you.

"Dave, you lost your parents and you leaned on Anna and I, then you lost Anna so you pushed me away. Then you found Amy and now you're afraid you'll lose her."

"I think maybe I already did and I didn't know it."

"You need to learn how to be happy," said Kylie, "you love hard and you self destruct when you're alone."

You put your head in your hands, she was making sense but you just wanted to be alone as much as the idea of being alone seemed to frighten you.

"Dave," said Kylie rubbing your back, "I think you need to take some time for yourself and decide what you really want."

You nodded and Kylie smiled before walking back towards Amy's house. You walked the grounds towards a trail you never really followed, you didn't know why, you weren't really looking at the scenery. As you walked you thought, about Anna, about Amy, about Kylie. You had tears running down your face though you weren't really crying. As you came tk a clearing you found Nyx muttering to herself. She almost jumped out of her skin when she saw you.

"Jesus fuck don't scare me like that," she groaned.

"Sorry," you said just kind of standing unsure of what to do now.

"Have you been crying?"

You wiped your cheek and it was in fact wet but you made no real effort to fully dry yourself.

"Dave," she said, "I'm sorry, I'm really happy here and I was kind of hurt when you didn't come to get me," she tossed a rock at nothing in particular, "and I saw how you looked this morning and I saw how Amy reacted to you and."

She grabbed her head in her hands and crouched seemingly trying to shut out her senses.

"I lost someone, a few months ago," she said, "and I spiraled, and then you saved me. "

She stood back up and looked away from you.

"And then I saw Amy, who was your person being so cold to you and I could almost feel what you must have felt," she screamed into the space for a minute, "I'm not good with words."

"That's relatable."

She chuckled, "I was trying to help."

She sat on a log and looked at her feet.

"I made it worse didn't I?"

"I don't know," you said sitting next to her.

"I have been so lost since," she paused as if saying the words caused her physical pain, "Ciri died. I haven't let myself be happy, at least until I got here."

She took out her phone and handef it to you.

"Erica messaged me but I haven't been able to respond."

"Why not?"

"Because what if I'm not good enough? What if we fall in love and I lose her too? What if I put my foot in my mouth?"

"Nyx I think you and I have a lot in common."

"I think so too," she said, "definitely similar taste in chicks."

You laughed.

"What are you going to do?" asked Nyx.

"I'm going to talk to Amy, and you're going to text Erica."

Nyx blushed hard, "nonono."

"Yesyesyes," you said handing her phone back.

You hovered at the door of Amy's house finally mustering the courage to enter. Amy was sitting among the remnants of breakfast her head in her hands.

"Ames," you said softly.

She didn't react, then she wiped her eyes and finally looked at you.

"I'm sorry," she said.

You went to speak but decided against it. You walked over and sat next to her.

"I don't know what I want," said Amy.

"That makes to of us," you took a sip of what turned out to be cold coffee and spit it back into the mug.

"I hate my body right now," said Amy.

You put a hand on her shoulder, you couldn't relate but you wanted her to know you were there for her.

"Part of me wants to run out and get a ton of work done, part of me wants to climb into a hole."

"I can relate on the climb into a hole."

Amy turned to you and looked into your eyes, the look wasn't there, this wasn't her telling you you were the only one in the world that mattered. This look seemed like she was unsure anything in the world mattered and given how she was feeling you admitted to yourself that you had no idea how to help.

"I don't think I know how to help," you said.

"I need to see doctor Paige," said Amy getting to her feet.

You got up unsure of what else to do.

"Ames," you said, she turned and hugged you, leaning into you.

"I just need you to hold me," she said.

"I can do that."

You held her for a few minutes until she finally pulled away and with a soft kiss on your cheek she left.