Finding My Insecurities

I remember a time when Annie and I were playing in the yard of our house. I ended up tripping on something, and I fell in a puddle of mood, or dirt, I don’t remember which, but my face was completely covered in filthiness. Annie quickly came to help me, but she quickly turned me over, and after seeing my face covered in dirt, she gasped in shock, but couldn’t help but laugh as well.

“Oh my god Andrew! Are you okay?” - Annie asked me, with what I think was a very concerned tone, like she genuinely cared about me. I had some difficulty trying to reply to her question, because my mouth was covered in dirt, but since I knew my face was so filthy, I was a bit shy to respond -- I don’t really know how I looked at that moment, but it was obvious that it was disgusting.

“Yea, I’m fine… but my face is ruined…” - I respond, in between a few sobs, trying not to show any sadness, even though I just wanted to cry. The fact that my sister laughed for a bit didn’t help, but Annie was nice enough to return to the house, and quickly come back with a towel, so she could clean my face. I opened my eyes, and gave her a sad look to show my discomfort, but she got rid of my worries with a reassuring smile -- which I still think of every now and then, it was just so beautiful.

“Ohh, it’s okay Andrew... your face is totally fine” - Annie giggled, and while I’m sure she was only joking, it meant a lot to me at that moment.

“Really??” - I asked in surprise.

“Of course, you silly… You are still as cute as the day you were born!” - Annie replied cheerfully, and I couldn’t help but blush a little bit, before she gave me a big hug, and a nice kiss on my forehead. I wasn’t able to say anything, I just enjoyed my sister’s comforting hug, but it seemed like she really wanted me to feel better, because she continued complimenting -- all just because I fell in a puddle of mud, like a true idiot.

“There’s no way I could ever stop loving my cute little brother’s face…” - Annie whispered to me with a smile, after an already incredibly affectionate hug, which only made my 7 year old self develop a huge crush on my own sister. Looking back at it, I don’t think she meant it to be so wholesome, and she probably doesn’t even remembers that moment, but I still think about it quite often, and I honestly miss those moments with Annie - Damn, she really did love me and cared for me when we were younger… Now there’s no way she would say that to me, she probably hates my face and never wants to see it again… What a shame…

That moment was very sweet, and I still think about it to this day, but it doesn’t really count as proof that I’m attractive, because she was just my sister, and family always compliments your looks - Right?... I mean, I remember her saying I was really cute one day, I could never forget that… But she said that she would totally date me if I wasn’t her brother so… Hey, at least I had the chance to be my sister’s boyfriend for a while, but that opportunity is long gone. It was probably a crazy thing I made up in my head when I was little, or she didn’t know what she was talking about, because clearly she doesn’t like me anymore.

But apart from my sister, I’m not sure if I was attractive to anyone else. I know my friends thought I got all of the girls in school, but I rarely talked to them, and I never asked out any of them, so that was a complete lie. But maybe it’s because I didn’t take my shot, not because they didn’t like me. I remember that they made comments like “Wow, you are really good with numbers, you must be a genius” or “Stop! You are making me laugh way too much, I might pee myself if you keep joking like that” or “Thanks for the advice, you are a really good friend…” - Well, I guess those don’t really compliment my appearance, but at least I have a nice personality, I think… I mean, I almost made a girl pee herself from my jokes, that’s nice… and hot...

It is difficult to recall a moment when someone said I looked nice, or that I was cute, other than my sister. But as I begin to think that I only have personality, and my face is the ugliest, I remember how one time a girl that had a crush on me approached me, and turned all shy, and blushed, like she was trying to tell me something.

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you that… you are really cute, and I love it when you make me laugh…” - the girl told me, and it was probably the sweetest thing I’ve heard. I couldn’t tell if she was joking though, because she started giggling, but I could tell she was very nervous, so my naive self didn’t hesitate to thank her, and compliment her back.

“Thanks, I think you are cute too…” - I replied, but looking back, I think that was a horrible response. After that, the girl just kept smiling, turned around, and went running back to her friends, giggling, jumping, and cheering like it was the best day of her life. It was rather silly, but it was a dumb decision from my part, since we never talked after that. I should have made a move, maybe I could have made her my girlfriend, but at least I got a nice compliment from her -- and that’s honestly better than everything I got from my sister at that period of time.

After that, I still talked to some girls, and they always said stuff like “I’m sure you’ll find a girl soon… everyone likes you!” or “I don’t think you are ugly, you are really funny and I like that” or “I’m surprised you don’t have a girlfriend yet”-- which did make me feel more confident, but they never explicitly said I was cute or handsome, but I at least knew that I wasn’t ugly. Although, that happened around 5 or 6 years ago, and things have changed quite a bit since then. So as I have a suspicion that I was cute back when I was young, and not now, I decide to confirm that doubt, by opening the camera on my phone again, and taking a normal selfie - God, I look horrible, but maybe it's just a bad angle...

I never take selfies, but this was for some personal research, and it was honestly not too bad. I can’t face anything on my face that was too off putting -- even though this photo looks like it was taken in a videogame or something. My chin looks normal, my lips look the right size, my nose isn’t as big as I thought, and my eyes were fine, I guess. The rest of my face, like my forehead, my cheeks, and even my ears looked the right size, so all the proportions of my face looked fine. Of course I’m not perfect, but like I thought, I’m just decent looking, my face is just basic, and there’s nothing special about it - But maybe girls like that, I don’t know… I’m still boyfriend material, right?

I do think I look like a baby, or a child, since I never wanted to grow a mustache, or even a beard. I don’t have any chest hair, and I’m generally not a very hairy dude, but you can still tell I’m a teen, or even a young adult on a good day. I don’t know how to describe it, but the way I looked at people, how I walked, my voice tone, and attitude showed the behavior of an adult. I’m not sure if I’m so mature, but I did start puberty early, my voice got very deep, and I grew quite a lot. I'm kind of tall, and have a decent body -- or so I think.

Since I can’t find anything wrong with my face, I immediately think of something else, which might be the reason for my insecurity. I pull my underwear, and look down to see my soft, uncircumcised penis. I’ve never had any problems with it, and I remember measuring myself, and I discovered my length and girth, which told me that I was packing a good 7.5 inch long, and 5.2 inch girth dick, which I’m sure is above average-- it also looks longer because I shaved my pubic hair, so I’m all clean down there, while also allowing me to admire the full view of my cock.

I don’t want to spend too much time admiring my own penis, it is weird. But as clearly it wasn’t my problem, my dick was just fine, even when it was only over two inches when flaccid -- although I’m a grower, so it helps me walk comfortably, and reduce the pain of being hit in the balls. I clean it everyday, just in case it could be useful, and I also keep my pubes trimmed, so I think I have a nice manhood. I can’t confirm that as of now, but I’m confident that my penis is not the problem of my insecurity.

Also, my penis didn’t matter, at least not in middle school, since no one saw it. But for some reason, my penis was actually the reason I changed so much, and it makes sense, because puberty is directly related to the growth of my masculinity. But the thing is that I wasn’t insecure about my dick, I remember that I just gave it a lot of attention, and it was for one reason only, which surprisingly I only thought of right now - Oh, that’s right… How could I forget? It will all make sense with this…