Knowing Myself

After thinking way too much about my family, I realize that the main issue I have, everything I’m worrying about, and all I should be thinking of is me. Right now, I only need to figure out what I want, what I’ve done, what I could do, and how I managed to end up in such a depressing point of my life. It takes me a while to figure out that I have to reflect on myself, mainly because I find it useless, since I already know everything about myself, but also because I don’t know how to talk to myself -- I’m not very good at talking with my consciousness, but I have to try, it’s the only way I can find answers.

Alright, we have to reflect on ourselves… myself, I guess… I- this is going to be tough… So what could I say about you?... I mean, what can I say about me? - I try to ask my consciousness, who I’ve always treated like a separate individual, who has helped me quite a bit in the past. But since I’m obviously just talking to myself, I have to stop referring to another person, because I’m all alone here, I only have myself to talk too. So even though it is sad to talk about myself alone, I begin going down memory lane once again, and start from the beginning, my beginning -- and I’m not talking about my birth.

Who am I? - I ask myself, but it’s probably not the best way to start this retrospection on my life, because it could easily become an existential crisis. So before I could think about all the different answers I could give myself, I try to only focus about the things I know about my past life, and not so much on how I’m feeling right now -- that might be a discussion for another day.

Well, I am André Price, son of Anthony and Emily Price. I am 18 years old, my birthday is on October 31st, Halloween, the best day to have a birthday. I guess I was an abomination when I was born, but I like to think that I’m a lot more attractive now. I was born when my mom was only 16, and I already had a half sister from my dad's side, two years older than me. We spent our entire childhood playing together, being great friends, and having an awesome brother-sister friendship, which kind of made me who I am today. I guess I have to go back to see how my childhood was, but there’s not much I could say really.

I remember dad buying a fancy house when I was 4, and later going to a nice school, where I made a bunch of great friends, and I actually had my first crush. I think her name was Molly Jenkins, something like that, who was a very cute girl who stole my first kiss ever. I think Annie got jealous of her, and she tried keeping her away from me, because apparently she was a bad influence - That doesn’t really make sense, although I have to give it to her… Annie always had my back in elementary school… I remember when she pretended to be my girlfriend so I could impress some of my friends, and later become the most popular kid in class… Oh, those good times…

I feel like my childhood was pretty good, apart from my sister becoming a bitch, and making fun of me. I remember that she fully turned her back on me, she wasn’t my friend anymore, and hated my guts for no reason - I’m guessing she thought I was too childish to hang out with her, but I was 10 so she was just probably being mean. But with my sister becoming a bully, I had a rough time during that period, because I was just starting puberty, and that completely ruined me - I mean, it was horrible, that’s for sure… But why though??

Well, my sister pretty much hated me, but that didn’t affect me that much… I mean, it really hurt, and it did make me feel bad for myself for a while, but I still had lots of friends, and I was very popular, so what happened?... Oh I know, fucking puberty happened - I think to myself, as I finally reach the topic I’ve been wanting to avoid for my whole life, even when I already went though it, I just don’t even want to talk about it, but it was probably the thing that changed me the most, so it’s a crucial part of my story -- and it’s probably the same for everyone, but my experience was just terrible.

I started puberty at an early age. I think the first signs of puberty showed up when I was 11 years old, so I think I started it before the average boy. But even though I’m glad I started early, since now it’s long done, I still suffered for many years, and it impacted me so much for seemingly no reason - I mean, I was never insecure, I was actually very confident back then, but after puberty, I just couldn’t build confidence anymore… My insecurity developed a mentality where I was just overthinking everything, and doubting myself every living second… It was like I didn't even want to be myself, and I liked being myself before, so it really messed me up.

I’m not quite sure what I was so insecure about. I’ve always been a really smart person, quite egocentric, but still able to solve every problem in a matter of seconds. I was an A+ student throughout my whole life, and it’s surprising how I was able to make a lot of friends during my years of school, even when I was such a big nerd -- I guess my sister was right with that, but I think I was outgoing, funny, and overall a person you want to be friends with. I think my personality was fine though, everyone seemed to love me for who I was, a smart, friendly, funny guy, but it seems like it probably doesn’t have to do with how I am inside - Of course, it only matters what’s outside, it has to be my appearance, right?

As I question if the source of my insecurity is my own body, I pull out my phone, and check myself out with the camera, to see if my face is the reason I was so insecure. I do recall having a bit of acne, which lasted for a while, but was never something so severe, and even though my face looks pretty normal, I don’t think I’m too ugly, I’m just decent. I have brown hair, brown eyes, and even slightly brown skin, maybe because my father was a bit darker in skin tone. I’m sure I’m not too bad in height, I’m just above average, although I do know girls like tall guys.

I have a high metabolism, and I regularly do exercise, or do whatever to burn calories, so I’m in shape. I would even say that I’m fit, more like skinny fit, since I was never fat, but I’m not a skeleton either. I do have some muscles toned, and I remember even having a slightly noticeable six pack at some point, but that’s when I really tried to look good, back in highschool. I still keep exercising, and have a pretty good diet, so I guess that also means I’ve always been a healthy person. I don’t have any diseases, or any syndromes, so there’s that - Honestly, I’m kind of basic looking, nothing too special, just average… which is good, I guess…

As I can’t find any issues with my body, I focus more on just my face, because I’m sure that’s the most important part of my body. If I had an ugly face, the rest didn’t really matter, it would all make sense, but I’m sure I remember that my friends called me handsome sometimes. I loved it when girls said that, it really helped boost my ego, but I’m not sure if I’m actually attractive, but I think Annie once told me something about my looks, and I remember it fondly, because it actually really helped me through my early insecurity -- but sadly this was back when we were friends, I didn’t even start puberty.