Dating is a Numbers Game

"Oh my Goodness! I'm so sorry professor Michaels!" Jennifer's face had turned bright red as she leapt forward and slammed her laptop shut, the almost effortless confidence she'd projected up until that point suddenly having evaporated "I swear I have no idea how that got on there. I mean, for a start I like men. Not that you even need to know that. Shit, this is so humiliating!"

Now she was beginning to get even more flustered. It might have been quite cute for Jake to witness Jenny fretting over taking the blame for Bash's porn, in a guilty pleasure kind of a way, if one of the women fucking on her screen hadn't been his own sister - who also liked men until extremely recently.

"Oh God, you look absolutely appalled" Jennifer realised as she clocked Jake's reaction to what he had just seen "This must be the most unprofessional thing you've ever come across."

"No, I promise I'm not upset with you at all" Jake composed himself enough to reassure the completely innocent woman "I know that wasn't your fault. I just really hate the kind of scumbags who create content like that."

"Oh, I completely agree" the blonde tutor nodded emphatically, seemingly relieved his disgust wasn't aimed at her "That's why I'm as mortified as I am baffled that it got onto my computer"

"I expect it was the work of some stupid, annoying little bug" Jake told her "You shouldn't worry about it. Anyway, I need to go now, I have someone else I want to talk to urgently. But it was really nice seeing you again."

"Again?"

"Sorry, I don't know why I said that."

"It's okay, I think we're both a little thrown off at the moment" Jennifer was beginning to regain her composure once more " Look, if that unfortunate little display hasn't completely put you off working with me then please do consider my proposal. I really do think it could be a mutually beneficial arrangement."

Jake nodded and left the room, with an uncharacteristically sheepish looking Bash following at a safe distance.

"Okay buddy, I realise I probably crossed a line back there" Jake's imaginary friend had held his hands up in a gesture of peace and apparent contrition.

"Probably!?" Jake hissed as he pulled his phone from his pocket to continue his rant into it "That footage better not have been accessible to anyone else or I swear..."

"It wasn't, it was for my eyes only" Bash assured him "I mean, I know that doesn't sound great either. But seeing hot chicks naked is kinda the number one perk of invisibility, and since I couldn't be there in person.."

"You really aren't doing yourself any favours here, Bash."

"Look, believe it or not I never meant for things to play out that way. I was just keeping myself occupied while I let you work your magic on Jenny. I mean, you were amazing back there, buddy. I can't believe you're going to be living on campus here with hundreds of sexy, dorky, virginal teenage chicks and teaching them about their bodies. And all the while living next to Jenny Jerkoff who, as you may have noticed, just confirmed she's into dudes. Which is good news for you, huh?"

"What? I'm not actually going to take her up on her offer, you fool!"

"Huh?" Bash looked aghast "Why not?"

"Well, first of all it would mean you getting exactly what you want as usual. Secondly I don't know anything about the female body."

"You can say that again" Bash couldn't stop himself from quipping.

"I mean to teach it" Jake glared daggers as he responded "At fucking Cambridge level. And thirdly I'm not Professor Michael fucking Michaels!"

"C'mon man, teaching here will be a doozy. For a start you can say any old shit in your classes and they'll all eat it up, I'll make sure of that. Heck, just show 'em porno movies if you want. I bet that could teach them a few things, and it would be pretty hot too. And you don't want to fuck up a good thing for yourself just to spite me. Think about how many cute girls you can date here."

"Yeah right, they're all ten years younger than me and fucking MENSA members"

"Who cares? The kind of girls you get in this place find nothing more alluring than some distinguished, older professor with endless degrees and doctorates coming out of his ass."

"You're so full of shit."

"Don't believe me? Go downstairs and try it on with the cheerleader chick right now. She's still just as brainy as ever, I've just tweaked her interest in cheerleading, beauty products and dressing like a slut a little. Okay, a lot. But she's still the exact same boffin who was manning the desk when we arrived here."

"You're only doing this to make me look stupid in front of a hot girl."

"If she turns you down then you can turn down the job and I won't even complain, okay?"

"Yeah, like I believe that"

"I swear, you won't hear another word from me about it."

Jake sighed and made his way back down the stairs to where the student receptionist, still in her cheerleader uniform, was sitting on the desk absent-mindedly painting her nails.

"Oh, hello again Professor" she smiled as Jake came back into view "I trust your meeting with Jennifer proved to be fruitful for you both?"

Okay, she did still talk like before so probably hadn't been given the full bimbo treatment by Bash. And it was hard to deny she looked amazing in her cheerleader costume. Maybe this was worth a shot.

"Er, yes it did, thanks for asking" Jake shuffled his feet a little nervously. He had never been much good at asking girls out "Sorry, I didn't catch your name?"

"Jess"

"Er, Jess. I know this might seem a little out of the blue but I wondered if you would perhaps like to go on a date with me?"

"Oh, goodness" she reacted with surprise "I wasn't expecting that."

Fuck, that felt like the beginning of a not particularly subtle rejection if ever Jake heard one.

"But I'm extremely flattered to be asked by a man of your distinction. It would be lovely for us to spend some time together - the conversation ought to be scintillating! As you will probably have deduced, I reside on campus. So if you're still here this evening my room number is 403. Just come and knock for me any time after seven thirty. I'll be ready and waiting!"

"Okay, great, I'll see you later" Jake smiled almost giddily, amazed at how easy that had been.

"I'm looking forward to it already. Who knows, maybe you might even learn something about the female anatomy from me."

"Oh my God!" Jake gasped at Jake after they had left the building and found a quiet spot to talk "I can't believe that just happened."

"I told you, man. I bet you could date about ninety per cent of the girls here."

"But, I mean, not really though. I'm already dating Claire for a start."

"Hey man, why limit yourself? You can date as many girls as you want and none of them will mind. In most cases they won't even notice. Unless you want to date more than one at exactly the same time, if you know what I'm saying?"

"Seriously?" Jake's eyes widened in awe of the suggestion.

"Sure. I told you I'm here to help you find true love. Well, dating is a numbers game, right? I can't have you wasting six months or a year at a time on someone only to find out they weren't the one after all - I could be stuck doing this with you forever. I'm sure you can find your princess right here, but you might need to kiss and fuck a lot of cute nerds and the occasional sexy cheerleader before you do. And you can carry on with Claire as well. I know how much you like her tits."

"Fuck Bash, that would be amazing" Jake had to admit.

"I know, right? And you could do it all while living and teaching on campus. You could even date Little Jenny Jerkoff. I saw the way you were looking at her and going all gooey eyed. But don't go getting too attached to my favourite toy, okay? It's bad enough you've become so protective over Little Lesbian Lorraine"

"She's Little LOSER Lorraine!" Jake pointed out tetchily "Actually, fuck that, she's just Lorraine."

"Okay, fine, whatever. But please reassure me you haven't completely lost your mind and that you're going to accept Jerkoff's job?"

"What about my actual job?"

"I can fix that for you so they don't even notice you're gone and you still get paid. You'll be earning two wages at once. KER-CHING"

Jake paused for a moment. He realised that agreeing to this would be something akin to making a deal with the devil and there was bound to be a price to pay . Unfortunately though, it was and offer that was just too good for him to turn down.

"Okay, we can give it a trial run. Maybe let's see how my date with Jess goes. And I can take, like, one lesson. Just to make sure it isn't a total car crash."

"Ya see? I knew you'd come around to this!" Bash smiled "I know we piss each other off sometimes as all best friends do, but when it comes down to it we've always had each other's backs. As unconventional as my methods might be, you know it's true. Everything I do, I do it for you."

"Did you seriously just try and use Brian Adams lyrics to win me over?"

"I don't need the Groover from Vancouver's help here. I'm giving you the keys to the Virgin Megastore!"

"You seriously need to start updating your pop culture references, mate."

"Eh, whatever. I'm sure you take my point."

"And you'll let me walk away without pulling any kind of crazy shit if this all goes tits up?"

"Sure I will, buddy" Bash slapped his friend on the shoulder in apparent agreement "Sure I will."