Blended TML Ch 9

It would be true to say that Jamesons as a group are more prone to screeching and flailing than Dunhams, but Patty singlehandedly ensures that Dunhams hold the title of being the noisiest of the bloodlines.

Piper controls the situation on the stovetop while Mary sees to Riley’s triflingly mild burn. Mary, accomplished attorney, is able to do two things at once.

“What the hell is going on here?” she demands as she pours warm water, then rips open a tube of salve.

“I—I…” Riley stammers. “I thought no one was home. You’re supposed to work late.” She’s a terrible liar, but Mary’s upset, which means her faculties are compromised.

Piper steps in. “Mary, it’s OK to be upset about Riley acting weird, but you don’t get to kink shame her. If she likes being naked when nobody’s home, that’s her business.”

“Oh my god, Piper. You aren’t even a therapist yet,” Mary mutters.

Riley sniffles. Piper is flattered that Riley wanted to set this obvious trap, but also relieved that it didn’t work. Riley is supposed to be spreading her wings, not fixating on her stepsister. This sort of thing should be discouraged.

“I’m not slut-shaming you,” Mary says to Riley.

“She said kink-shame,” Riley replies tearfully.

“Just put some damn clothes on!” Mary stops there, and Piper sees it: the effort that it takes not to go on. Piper doesn’t know what the back half of that sentence would have looked like, but there’s no doubt that Riley would have found it hurtful. Even under these circumstances, Mary is, as Colby from CCL would put it, tanking hits “like a gigachad”.

“OK,” Riley sniffles, picking herself up. She awkwardly tries to cover her backside as she hustles out of the kitchen.

Mary blinks several times. “What the fuck is happening in my house, Piper?”

This is 100% Piper’s fault. “Pretty sure this isn’t my fault,” she says.

Mary sighs, leaning against the counter by the open first aid kit. “I know. I’m sorry. Oh, Jesus. What a blessing. What a sweet blessing. At least everyone’s OK. And Patty’s at Tamara’s house? We know this for sure? This is a matter of record?”

“Yes. I saw her get picked up and I had a text from her mom two hours ago.”

“Thank you, Piper.”

“I just wanted her out of the house.”

“Not all heroes wear capes,” Mary mutters, going to the refrigerator. She bends for wine, and Piper doesn’t look away. Riley flashing her booty around has consequences. Piper’s gaze lingers on Mary’s figure.

“My mom’s a dickhead.”

“What?” Mary straightens up, bottle in hand.

“Nothing. It’s just tone deaf to run off when you’re so worn-out.”

“OK, listen, future therapist,” Mary says, pointing with the bottle. “Your mother has this belief that everyone is judging her all the time and looking down on her because I have a JD and she dropped out of high school. She thinks that if she doesn’t work her ass off and make as much as I do, everyone will think she’s a hopeless deadbeat. It doesn’t matter that we would all love her just as much if she were working minimum wage. That’s all she sees. She can’t see it any other way.”

“I know, Mary. I’ve known her for twenty-one years.”

“None of us can be rational all the time.”

“You don’t fucking say.”

“Just don’t be so quick to judge. That’s my wife you’re talking about. The only one who gets to be pissed at her is me. And I am. So, it’s covered. OK?” Mary seems to realize the absurdity of her statement, but keeps her face straight.

Piper snorts. “OK.”

“Thank you for cleaning up.”

“I was wondering when you were gonna say that. This is some wicked stepmother Cinderella chore shit right here.”

Mary smiles, then laughs. “Yeah. You want some wine?”

“Oh, hell yeah. Then we can get on Reddit together and ask what to do now that we found out there’s an exhibitionist in the house.”

“Oh god. Oh god. No. No, no, no. This didn’t happen. None of this is real. This will not be spoken of. Not even to Bella. Can you imagine if Kayla or Patty found out about this? Or Penny.” For a moment, Mary’s eyes become dangerous. “Not a word.”

Piper mimes a zipper with her mouth.

It’s quite for a few moments. Then Mary shakes her head.

“What?” Piper says, grabbing glasses from the cupboard.

“Riley.” Mary doesn’t elaborate, but Piper understands. Riley’s not as dramatic about is Kayla, but she’s a lot.

The tension is gone. Mary can still have a sense of humor. Everything is OK.

Her phone goes off and she reflexively grabs it. She reads whatever has just come in, and Piper watches in real time as Mary’s soul leaves her body.

Piper puts the wine glasses down. “What? What’s going on?”

“Someone trashed the cabin.”