And I know I'm headed for the bottom. But I'm riding you all the way.

Following my argument with Heather, I pretty much moved in with Nala. We were two people who were hurting in different ways, and when I was with her, the sting faded a little. I would love to say I had stopped using, but that would be lying. It brought moments of solace, and as weak as it was, being able to escape for a short time was enough.

I had pretty much cut ties with any of my friends. I knew they had attempted to reach out to me and look for me, but I intentionally ignored them. Part of that was that I kept being reminded of Rebecca and Trish, and part of it was shame. I remember seeing Michael and Lyndsay one time I was out and saw them together. I hid in an alley waiting for them to pass. Both of them glanced at me as they passed and neither recognised me, thankfully.

At that point, Nala was my only companion we supported each other. Got into scrapes with each other. We would go out into the streets when we rose from the stupor of the previous night and get together enough money for us to score. We weren't using daily, at best a few times a week. Some part of me knew that this was something I shouldn't be doing. I silenced that voice fairly frequently.

Sometimes we begged. Sometimes we looked for things we could boost or trying scrap metal we could sell onto a merchant. There were days when we got enough money together, and then there were times we could barely get enough together. If we almost came up empty, I let Nala take the high. Despite her situation, she was strong, brave, witty. She had clearly been through a lot before I met her. She told me she hadn't seen any of her family in years. Then there were moments when you saw how vulnerable she was, and I just wanted to hold her and tell her it would be alright. The irony of that was that I didn't even know that for myself.

I would like to say we only ever slept with each other once, but that would be a lie. Although I didn't learn so until a long time later, Nala was clean, she thankfully did not have the bug. Until our friendship, she had mostly been a solitary person, and the only person I know she shared with was me. At the time, though, I made no effort to check, this was not any good reason for this. It was purely just to spite Heather.

My sister kept her distance, and so did I. One time I went back to the house and had to wait until everyone had left before I could go inside. I took some of my clothes, a few other supplies and took things that could be sold that I was not sentimental about. Months later, I think I discovered that Heather was still looking out for me in certain ways. I would find baskets or parcels filled with food or toiletries. Sometimes I even found sanitary products for Nala. It was a nice gesture even if both of us were too proud to speak to each other directly.

I maintained this equilibrium for longer than I should have. I was weirdly happy escaping in such a way. Others would rightfully say I was doing everything I could to escape my grief and not have to face it. It took me some time before I reached that point myself.

Came a time when the pair of us were both in need of a fix, and we had come up empty that day. We went to Jonesy, one of the dealers we knew that had a soft spot for Nala. He would sometimes take pity and let us bring him the money a day or two later. Today, however, he wasn't in a giving mood.

“Don't be giving me those fucking puppy dog eyes, girl,” Jonesy complained.

“Please just this once. We'll come and pay you back tomorrow.” Nala begged.

“I'm all out of goodwill for the day.” Jonesy scoffed.

“You know we are good for it,” I told him.

“No, kid, the reason you are begging is that you aren't good for it. Either fuck off or get me my money.” Jonesy said in an exasperated tone.

“Is there nothing we can do?” Nala said, trying to look sweet.

“Stop trying to play on my fucking heartstrings, girl. “. Jonesy replied.

He paused for a moment as if he was considering things.

“Yeah, we can work it out in trade.” He told us.

“What do you want?” Nala asked.

“I'm not even fucking picky I don't care who does it,” Jonesy advised.

I was fiercely loyal to Nala at this point, and I wanted to spare her from further pain.

“I'll do it,” I said.

I sank to my knees and unzipped Jonesy's pants. I pulled them down and just took him in my mouth. My mind just went elsewhere while I was doing this. I tried emulating what I remembered I had seen in videos and the times Trish had done this with me. Jonesy wasn't clean, but I didn't care. I got it over as quickly as I could, and thankfully he did not last long. I simply stood up after, and he handed us the fruits of my labour. As we got outside, I spat, and the pair of us walked back in silence.

I helped Nala with her fix, but I decided I would go without tonight. I made sure she was comfortable and let her get some rest. There is always that moment when you finally reach the bottom and find yourself looking upwards. I knew something needed to change and that I couldn't keep doing this forever. I waited until the morning and left without waking her, and started walking back to my parents' house.