Ain't that a kick in the head! Ring a ding ding

"Ow, damn, why does my hurt head so much? Head hurt?" Tries to orient himself
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm your girlfriend"
"Wow, really? You're so hot."
"Yeah no, touch me and your dick will be where your new hole is."
"My, its already got a hole. Why are you naked? Did you knock me out? Look if you wanna fuck I mean, you just had to ask."
"Just a minute Dave, I need to look at something"
Checks notebook
"ooh, you're fun. If I didn't have a purpose in life, I would take you out."
"Ooh thanks. Why did you kidnap me?"
"I didn't you got here on your own consequences."
"I don't have money"
"I know"
"My dicks not that big, its not worth saving like rasputins"
"oh come on that's a-"
Intensely reads notebook
"Oh my."
"Yeah, I have a micro-penis"
She squints "Thank you Dave, you have exited my fantasies"
"No problem, I'm a conservative when I need to be. All about modesty"
"So you have a big floppy dick that would be great in my pickle jar?"
whimpers "No"
"Dave its time to talk about you"
"No anything but that" he cries
"Its true, your third girlfriend shot you while you fucked the second"
"Wait what?"
"And you have my nemesis's blood in you."
"That can't be I'm alive!"
"And no legs"
"They're looks down OH-FUCK"
She says deadpan and robotic "It's too late Dave, it's just you and me. And I can't let you leave"
Brave "I won't be your plaything"
squeezes her boobs "Really?"
sensor lock identified, targets found, he's drooling
"Tell you what, I'll give you some trading cards and I won't cut off your big stupid dick!" Cute just a girl face
Pulls out machete
pause, horror, speed writing "Yeah, whimpers yeah, thank you for this opportunity."
"I am so happy for you Dave. You're going to a better place"
He moves faster so much faster looking for every signing spot.
Stops finished.
She puts the machete away. Pulls out some cards, slowly signs her name, with relish.
"Now Dave you've just won a beautiful getaway wink you have several options to choose from. Just look but not too long, I don't suffer indecisive bitches. wink"
He bows
"I'm touched, lemme give you a kiss."
mwah on the forehead
His dick gets aggressively hard.
"What are you hiding there tiger? you're making me, grabs machete to fan herself, hot." Smiles and winks suggestively.
"Of course ma'am" turns purple straining from the pain of his erection whilst trying to focus on making a quick choice.
As he chooses, she puts the cards in his pocket brushing against his penis, he EXPLODES.
Literally, a lot came out. He might have to do this process twice.
"OHHHHHHHH" He screamed, the floor falling out much later. He didn't even notice, he passed out, sucking his thumbs through the stratosphere.
What a legend.

The narrator: huh, wish I could relate. Never had umm, anything actually. huh, is he gonna wake up? He doesn't look dead, seems, anti-climactic? Wish I got a kiss. Felt anything. be nice. be a privilege. Pervert, assigned to a pervert but don't like it. I'll just have to describe what I see, that's good enough, right? Oh, he's waking up.
"MMYYY DIIICKKK"
Oh I think something broke, well, he didn't choose intelligence. Can't exactly tell him how to fix that.
And they were happily ever after
Hey I wasn't finished,
nope but the readers are.
Huh?