"Wake up"

Hmmmmm…. Well. It isn’t my problem now, is it? I wake up, basking in a warm glow of light. Almost as if I’m one of those cats on instagram that lay in the sunlight while my shill owner posts me on their story. I try to move, but find myself unable. Now. The question to ask would be, is this heaven, or hell? Now honestly I thought I was on the proverbial “straight to hell list” but maybe if I schmooze a little I could perhaps make my way into heaven? Assuming this is Abrahamically based. Ah, honestly this is a little exciting!

“MORTAL!” is projected loudly into my skull, leaving me reeling from the shock. A being appears before me, dressed in stereotypical holy garb. Presumably female, judging by the size of those giant fucking melons hanging obcenely from her chest. (We are talking like j’s).

“Erm… Hello.” I mumble out, a little stiff given the fact I am still frozen from the chin down. “Are you God?”

She doesn’t respond to my question, the only proof of her hearing my verbiage being the small look of disdain slowly creeping across her visage. This is bad, isn’t it? Did I piss off god? Am I going to hell? I’m defin-

“Yes, mortal, God is mad at you.” Her actual voice is surprisingly bratty, like a spoiled teenage girl.

“So, You are God? And can you read my mind?”

“While I am a god, I am not the god.” I’m more so one of his attendants, here to guide his will in those who have strayed too far from God’s original vision of them.” She says this with a look of superiority on her face, which I suppose is deserved since she is a literal god.

“Additionally, No I cannot read your mind, but I can guess what you are thinking”

I think over what I am going to say for a few moments. “So, my goddess, would you please elaborate on what is going on here? I’m not particularly well read on what happens after ****.”

“Hmph, It seems you’ve finally deigned to provide the respect I deserve, good on you mortal, some soul don’t catch on as quick as you.” As she says this, she quickly shifts her gaze below. “So let’s get this all out in the open for you, yes? While I may be a goddess, God has decided that I shall be your supervisor in your “rehabilitation”. It seems fair that I provide a way for you to refer to me. My name is Gerthum.”

Fuck, that really is a comical name. But, considering she could most likely send me to hell, I really should play my cards right. “Ah, that is… a beautiful name, my goddess. May I enquire what it is that you preside over?”

She really seems to perk up when I compliment her. Seems someone is a little attention whore. “Well, since you seem to know basic respect, I will reward you with the knowledge you seek. I am the god of second chances.”

“Well that seems a bit niche doesn’t i-” I quickly stop verbalizing that train of thought. Remember, Stephen, she can literally send me to hell.

Her face barely begins to shift into a more negative expression before I am able to backtrack. “Hmmm, now that I think of it, my goddess, your domain is more proliferent than first thought, at least by mere mortal minds. Life truly is made of second chances, now isn’t it” I say this while plastering my face with an expression of deep intellectual insight.

“Hah, you truly are different from most other Mortals, Mortal.” Her mood seems to be in even higher spirits than before, almost gleaming with appreciatory glee. “Alas, as much as I wish to stay in your company for longer, We must now start the rehabilitation.” She seemingly calms down, enough to gain an air of reflectivity. “Listen closely, Mortal”

“Ah, My goddess, it seems only fair that you have my name in return for your illustrious title. Please refer to me as Stephen, if it would please you.”

“I see. Stephan. It brings me much joy to bond with someone of mortal plane. It has been quite some time since I have gotten the chance.” She blushes just the tiniest bit as she says this. “As I have mentioned earlier, God is quite agitated with you, Stephan.”

I avert my eyes away from her. I totally forgot about the whole “I’m a horny little creature that gets off on degenerate materials, and have no wife or kids to leave behind my legacy with” thing…. “Ah, I um, You see, My goddess, if not for my untimely ****-”

“Please refrain, Stephan. I’m sure your untimely **** is still leaving you reeling, but at 36, you really got no pussy? On top of that, you, not even once, god dicked down?” She sends a look of disappointment my way. “I’m sure you’re very much aware of this Stephan, but you were literally made to take cock, and you’re still just as virgin as a reddit forum! You were sculpted! By God no less! You should have been slutting it up with the best of them Stephan!”

I lay there (Still frozen from the chin down) shocked at what I was hearing. I interject into her little rant. “I, erm. goddess? What is this about me “getting dicked down”? I thought I was being punished for being a filthy degenerate?”

She looks at me a little confused. “You are being punished for being a degenerate. Were you under the impression you were in trouble for jacking off to those wacky images on the internet? We couldn’t care less. God is mad at you for not living up to the expectations he set out for you.”

I scan her face for any hint of trickery. “Wait, So I’m being punished for being celibate? FUCK! If I knew god wanted me to be a god ordained throat goat I would have done so!”

Gerthum rallies a faint smile upon her face. “That is good to hear, I was a little worried you would resist your rehabilitation.”

“All of this talk about rehabilitation, and I am still in the dark.”

“Oh! Yes, I forgot about it in the heat of the moment to explain, our back and forth was just so refreshing.” Gerthum sweeps broadly with her delicate hands, summoning something akin to a tv out of thin air. “Stephan, your rehabilitation will consist of a reincarnation in a fantasy world, full of horny monsters! Your entire life’s purpose here will be to suck and fuck until your heart stops!” The Tv above her outstretched body flicks on, revealing a lush looking planet, similar to Earth in its greenery, whilst being notably different in a few ways.

“This is your new home, Second Shancia! Please note that the inhabitants call it a different name, something along the lines of Hsalfoth I believe.” She is clearly waiting for my reaction.

“This honestly sounds really hot, I’m not going to lie. But also incredibly dangerous. I’m assuming you are able to ensure my safety?”

She looks a little unimpressed. “You don’t seem too excited. You haven’t even moved. I put a lot of effort into this! I was expecting you to jump with joy!” She drifts her eye contact to the side. “And, yes, this is perfectly safe, if you act within the bounds of common sense, Stephan.”

“...” I stare at Gerthum blankly. “My goddess. You are aware that I am unable to move my body from the neck down, correct?”

Gerthum jumps a bit, giving credence to my new-born theory. “Shit!!! I knew I forgot something! I’m sorry about that, Stephan. I was a little caught up in our conversation!” She snaps her fingers and my body slowly regains its faculties. All the while, Gerthum is blushing a severe shade of red, and fidgeting uncontrollably.

“Stephan, if I could please ask for your discretion on the mistakes, I would appreciate it. However much I would like to talk more, time really has just about run out.” I make a move to say something, but as I do, I feel my mind draw blanks, and within seconds I am completely ****.