"John Doe has a massive penis"

As he put the pen down, John waited for a growing sensation downstairs. After a minute he checked to see if there was any change, but it was the same old flaccid lump of meat he'd wailed on every day since he turned 14.

Disappointed, he shut the book. He was foolish to think this ever would have worked. How could some book change the physical laws of the universe? It wasn't a mysterious sci-fi device or a glowing medallion, after all.

As he was opening up his laptop to resume his private browsing session, yet another knock came at the door. Rolling his eyes, he headed downstairs yet again.

To his surprise, when he opened the door he was greeted by a pair of hot lady cops. "John Doe?" asked the one on the right.

"Yes ma'am, is there a problem?"

Without warning, the second officer stepped forward and yanked down his pants. Damn, he thought. Now we're getting somewhere.

Pulling down his boxers, she smirked and turned to the first officer. "I think we've seen all we need to." She stood up and forcefully turned John around. As she reached for her cuffs, she began to mirandize him.

"What the hell are you-" his breath was cut off by a punch to the gut.

"You're under arrest for not having a massive cock. Legally speaking, John Doe is extremely well-endowed." She chuckled as her partner hauled him back to the squad car. "Good luck convincing a jury that thing meets the requirements."