You Want the Fuck?

"Hey Ashley." You sing sang, poking your head into her tent, a shit eating grin on your face.

"What the fuck do you want?" Ashley asked, already fed up with you before you said a word.

"I don't know, a blowjob from my girlfriend seems pretty nice, maybe a threesome with a curvy Latina and a Republican sex kitten, have a movie star fuck me for a role, basic stuff." You said, taking a seat next to Ashley as she rolled her eyes.

"Cool, look as much fun as it is listening to your special brand of idiocy, some of us have an actual job to do around here." Ashley pressed, sending mental threats to shoo you away.

"Oh, I get you, just thought you should know Homelander heard there's a rally downtown about his little slipup, and decided to go clear things up. I'm glad you've got it handled." You said, already halfway out the open side as Ashley locked on to you.

"The fuck?" She panicked.

"No, the generic African he lasered, did a sextape get leaked or something?" Even Ashley's presence couldn't dampen your spirits.

"I know that you... ugh! You knew about this and only just came to tell me?" Ahley accused.

"Hmm, not hardly, I came as soon as I was told, not that I should care, it's not my problem anymore. Why don't you go after him and tug his leash or whatever they expect you to do." You suggested sarcastically.

"No no no, fuck you! Get the fuck out, I need to think!" Ashley ordered as you didn't budge, enjoying the preeminent meltdown about to unfold.

"Look Assley, as much fun as it would be to watch you rip your hair out and crack a molar from stress, I could always go fix this for you." You offered, a smarmy look on your face as you had her over a barrel, not literally, that would be disgusting.

Ashley gave you a look of disbelief, "Why the fuck would you do that?"

"Can't I just do it because I'm such a nice person?" You suggested, batting your eyes in what you hoped was an innocent manner and not some creepy guy with Tourette.

"Except we both know you're not, so cut the bullshit, I don't have time for this." Ashley said.

"Fine, I do this for you, and you do something for me." I offered as Ashley didn't hesitate, sighing as she started unbuttoning her blouse.

"Fine, but I'm not swallowing, and you better not get any on me!" Ashley said as you looked at her with shock, genuine shock.

"Eww, no, I'd stick it in some strung-out, white trash hooker before I touched you. Just, you owe me one, holy fuck!" You shouted, turning and leaving immediately as the redhead shrugged, calling some poor underpaid gaffer.

"After Homelander's war crime, we can't look away, and The House Judiciary Committee won't be able to either. We will hold meetings on Vought and on Compound V. Yes, yes, they will answer!" Victoria Neuman certainly knew how to whip a crowd into a frenzy. And as much as your loved women in power, you had a job to do, so hopefully she wouldn't hold it against you. She shouldn't, given she was doing the near exact same thing.

"Woah young lady, a beautiful woman shouldn't be using such... aggressive language. Someone might get the wrong idea." You said, descending from the sky with silence in your wake.

Honestly, it was a bit thrilling how easy the sight of Homelander silenced people, like the divine being he thought himself. You certainly couldn't command respect/ fear on sight, but the fact you looked like Homelander, had his powers, his voice, his, well definitely not his nature, was enough to silence the crowd.

"Now then, you called it a war crime, but that's just not true. There was no war, nor was it a crime. It was just some good old-fashioned justice, exactly what someone like him deserved. So, you can have all the meeting you want, America agrees, the government agrees, hell I bet even you agree, you just want to raise a big stink for your own personal vindication. Well-" You explained, rambling as you felt your target audience approaching rapidly.

"What the hell?" Homelander said, stopping in midair as he looked down on a carbon copy of himself, lecturing a crowd.

"Oops. looks like they double booked us." You couldn't help the grin curling across your face as you rocketed towards Homelander, who, in his defense only hesitated for a second before attacking.

Not that he had a chance as you swiftly dodged, using his forward momentum against as you hurled him towards the crowd, twin beams of blood red energy slamming into his chest to shove him down into the dirt harder. They didn't hurt him, but they packed enough force to dig a trench in the ground with his body. It was a miracle no one was hurt in the attack.

Yep, a total miracle.

Homelander shook off the attack, and the dirt as he kicked off the ground, coming straight at you like the most patriotic missile in the world, the air strong enough to knock people down as screams resounded in the square.

Not that stopped either of you as Homelander's star-spangled fist punched you in the face, barely hurting as you flew a few feet away, spit some blood out.

"Careful with the face old man, that's my money maker." You taunted as several more haymakers caught you in the chest, Homelander grappling you in a chokehold.

"Who are you?" He yelled, slamming you into the ground as you chuckled.

You briefly considered breaking out and prolonging the fight, but it was clear the message was being received, all around you both, people had phones out, cameras were watching, mic were picking up every word, the narrative was soundly switched.

"I'm you old man, what don't recognize yourself in the mirror anymore, you should probably see a shrink about that." Whatever you were going to say next was cut short by Homelander's fist busting your nose, small rivulets of crimson dripping down your morphed face.

"No, you're not me, I'm the only me, there's no one else like me in the world!" Homelander, ever the narcissist, hollered.

"If only, you're the original, but I'm the remake, the remaster, better in every way, me and my kin." You exposed as Homelander growled, pinning you down as he tried to strangle you, regardless of the crowd, desperate to stop the psychic damage he was taking with every word.

You broke free, shoving his arms apart, and kicking off his chest as you aimed directly for the most public figure, Victoria on the stage. "How do you think the country will feel when they watch you splatter a Congresswomen on live tv?" You snarled, aiming to fulfill your threat, or at least make it look that way.

Thankfully, Homelander was lost in his own shit as he grabbed your boot, pulling you back as he got you in another hold, choking you as he tried to snap your neck.

"How long until you can't tell which of us is you anymore, or until the people can't tell us apart. Even now some are thinking this is too convenient, they'll all turn on you, and we'll keep going in the shadows, killing on cameras, making speeches, soon the whole world will-" Your words were cut short as your head twisted the wrong way, silencing you forever.

Or at least this ragdoll of a body as you turned partially into slime, oozing into the ground as a half-melted corpse was left in the middle of a crowd, Homelander panting.