Yes, this is a job for Diglett

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Town Whore Emilia – Diglett is my starter pokemon, AND it has a type advantage! It’ll win for sure!

• Diglett – Weak, Healthy
• Oddish – Weak, Healthy
• Mankey – Weak, Hurt

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VS

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Gym Leader Lieutenant Surge – My Raichu has power and speed. You’re finished!

• Raichu – Capable, Healthy
• Magnemite – Weak, Fainted

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“If you’re so eager to lose to Diglett again, I won’t stand in your way. Diglett, go!” Wasting no time, you switch to Diglett and order it to use Sand Attack. You have a feeling a single Magnitude won’t end this, so it won’t hurt to plan ahead. However, Raichu whips its tail around and clears the sand without issue.

“Raichu, Quick Attack!” Shoot, it’s coming fast!

“Diglett, Magnitude!” Before Raichu can reach its destination, it falls to the floor with its cheeks sparking. Surge growls with anger.

“Dang it, it’s not fast enough. Raichu, back on your feet! Clear the gap this time!” On her orders, Raichu picks itself back up and lunges at Diglett again, but it’s again stopped by Magnitude, falling on its stomach against the ground. You can see Surge boiling with rage. It’s no surprise, considering her precious rat is about to blow it a second time. Still, seeing her get so angry kinda makes you angry too. Is it so bad for her to lose against you? It feels personal...

“Use Thunderbolt, Raichu!” A crackling bolt of lightning sears across the gym, Diglett directly in its path. However, right before making impact, it dips drastically downwards, colliding pointlessly against the mound of dirt surrounding Diglett. Ha, obviously that wouldn’t work. Ground-types are immune to Electric, even you know that. Surge must be getting ****. Or so you think, but she nods her head as if she’s realized something. She bites her thumb, deep in thought. Well, whatever she’s thinking doesn’t matter, because you’ll finish this no-

“Raichu, get on your tail!”

Raichu balances all of its weight on its tail, and before you can hit it with another Magnitude, it springs itself into the air. You’ve seen this pattern before…

“Raichu, hit it with Slam!” The electric mouse curls into a ball, its tail outstretched like a deadly barb and surging with current along the length. And it’s headed straight for Diglett! If you have it burrow, an attack like that will just crack the ground like Master Kim’s Hitmonchan and the electricity will hit dead on! Do you counterattack? What are you supposed to do in this situation?

“Diglett… Diglett!!!” The blow connects, driving the mole pokemon deep into the ground and causing a nova of electricity around the point of impact. No way… You were so close…

Suddenly, your Diglett blasts out of the ground, knocking Raichu backwards. And then a bigger Diglett pops out. And another, even bigger one. “Now there are three penises,” snicker the girls on the sidelines.

Diglett has evolved into Dugtrio!

“Are you kidding me? THIS is the shit I have to deal with!?” Geez, her attitude really needs some work. “Raichu, use Quick Attack!” Surge commands.

“Dugtrio, Dig!” Before its opponent has recovered, Dugtrio digs underground and opens a hole beneath Raichu, dropping it in. Some thuds and crashes can be heard from within, and a few seconds later, Raichu bounces back out of the hole, clearly beaten.

“R-Raichu? …Damn it. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!” Surge starts stomping on the ground, throwing a temper tantrum totally unbecoming of her title. You know, for being a Gym Leader, she sure does act like an unruly child. You’re getting kind of sick of it. Shouldn’t she act a little more respectable?

After she’s had her fill of acting up, she finally returns her Raichu to its pokeball. She motions you over, and you walk across the gym to receive your prize.

“You… ugh…” she seems barely able to spit out the words. “You’re not bad. And your pokemon aren’t either. Damn it, I can’t believe I let the hottest one yet get away… Should’ve just trained her properly, but no, I had to tell her she was a ‘special snowflake’ and bang her instead… Though she WAS an awesome lay…” You’re pretty sure there was some flattery in there somewhere, but mostly just the ramblings of a sore, perverted loser. She’s making it pretty tough to be happy about this win with all her bitching.

“A-Anyway, here’s the Thunder Badge.” She hands you the badge, an orange octagon with a yellow pattern around the edges. “Now, not to brag…” Oh good, the loser of the match is going to brag. Yup, you’re pretty much done with this. “…but we have one of the best TMs at this gym as well, Thunderbolt. Teach this to a pokemon and-”

“ATTEN-SHUN!” you bark. Surge immediately drops the TM on the floor and assumes a salute. “You can keep your TM. Your commanding officer has some orders for you, Recruit.”

“I could really go for a promotion right about now…”