Whore Clowns From Outer Space (1969)

The year is 1984, and spring break has just begun in the sleepy town of Two in the Grove and One in the Cove. On the outskirts of town, a group of rowdy spring breakers gather near the popular high school or possibly college hangout called Date **** Ridge. The place is packed with teenagers, couples, and singles ready to hook up, but not everyone is having a great night. David Watchkins is trying to get laid, but his frigid girlfriend, Jessica, is making it impossible.

Jessica keeps talking about the end of the world because she saw a giant meteor crash in the woods near town. Typical of a pessimistic person, but nothing new for Jessica. Now she's taking David down Old Coot Road, where, she says, he'll encounter the "Wrath of God" or something. David wasn't paying much attention, but he didn't have much of a choice. Jessica was determined to disrupt the night with her sacred quest, and David was literally being dragged along on her journey.

Will the night be saved? And, most importantly, will David get a point? Probably not, but he does like meteorites. He could salvage some from that night when he got to the crash site, maybe get some cool space rocks. Which seemed unlikely, because as they approached the crash site, David saw something strange.

"Hey, Jessica," David paused and pointed toward the ridge, "Is the circus coming to town?"

David was a very thin guy with thick brown hair and a pointy face. His most notable feature was a mole under his narrow eye, and his body was best described as thin but fit. Being on the swim team helped him stay in shape, which didn't impress his girlfriend.

"Uhhhggh, David, you idiot, huuuunnhh!" Jessica let out a heavy sigh as she leaned forward desperately to get some air back into her lungs.

Jessica was the epitome of a prude woman. Simple and slender in every way, except for the fact that she was wearing 1940s clothes. She looked like an elderly librarian, which was a disservice to the school librarian, Mrs. Merryweather, who was covered in cake. In fact, the only reason David tolerated Jessica was that their parents **** them to be together. A fact that became painfully clear as Jessica spoke.

“Think about what you’re saying,” Jessica said, finally catching her breath. “Would the circus really go this far?”

“I don’t know? I figured it was some spring break event—”

“No, use your last brain cells and think about it?” Jessica said, holding up three fingers. “The meteor, the weird tent, and look at the strange lights.”

“Huh, it sounds kind of supernatural,” David muttered, tilting his head. “Are you saying aliens exist?”

“No! This is clearly the work of the devil!” Jessica put her hands on her hips and looked down with a smoldering gaze. "These are clearly demons sent from hell to usher in Judgment Day!"

"Seriously? How can you be so sure?" David asked, trying to hide his laughter.

"Only real demons would be here dressed as clowns!" Jessica shouted, pointing toward the trail.

David looked back at the tent, where there was some commotion. He heard a loud, cartoonish thooomp coming from the tent and could barely make out their outlines. Big, colorful hair, flashy clothes, and carnival music, no doubt. They were definitely clowns, at least three of them, accompanied by a fourth who appeared to be dragging a burlap sack into the tent while the other three walked in the opposite direction.

"Look, we have a chance!" Jessica started down the ridge and immediately received a response from David.

"Look, Jessica, I know it's a little weird, but—"

"Shut up, David," Jessica shouted, without even turning to face him. "Follow me and I'll prove it."

"And if I don't?"

"Then I'll tell my parents you left me here alone, and you know what they'll do."

The smug tone of superiority made David's blood boil, but he'd never hear the end of it if Jessica got hurt. There would be hell to pay, and who knew. Maybe, if David was lucky, they'd be real demons and take her away. Still, in any case, he'd have to follow them if it really was just a normal circus, which seemed very unlikely.

The tent seemed to glow an ominous orange, but when David peered into the opening, the interior seemed to extend for a space larger than the tent. A long opening with walls that resembled a fabric of polka dots and stripes, alternating as they circled the main path. Bigger on the inside... Yeah, they're probably aliens, David thought as he followed his "girlfriend" unwaveringly, still completely convinced this was the work of Satan.

"Come on, David," Jessica murmured, surprised

Eventually, he had the good sense to whisper, "We need to take more pictures than that, or no one will believe this is the work of the devil."

"Holy shit," David muttered as he thought, this bitch is going to get us both investigated.

He followed Jessica closely down the hallway. The interior was made of a heavy, canvas-like material, with bright multicolored lights shining behind it, providing minimal illumination. The dull colors painted the pair's bodies as they entered the hallway, but there wasn't enough light to see the colorful hallway ahead.

"Wait, I hear something." David grabbed Jessica's hand to stop her, which made her react immediately.

"Don't touch me, heathen, I'm going to—"

"Sssshhh," David pointed to a trio of faint shadows cast at the end of the hallway. It was difficult to make out more than the most ridiculous details, but it was obvious they were getting closer.

"Let's go in here," David whispered, irritation evident in his voice, as he headed for a revolving door. It spun easily, its tinted glass glinting as the two were catapulted into a large, multi-story room. It took them a moment to realize, though, as the spin was strong enough to knock them both to the ground.

"Ahhhhnnn!" Jessica cried as she landed on David's back. Though it didn't bother him much, he was startled by the sight.

The place could only be described as clown vomit with a slight Dr. Seuss twist. The pair lay on a large balcony surrounded by tall pillars and a small fence around it. The ground floor was dominated by a large machine with all manner of bells, whistles, pumps, and tubes; all in vibrant colors. Predominantly vibrant reds, pale pinks, soft greens, and blues. The only thing connecting the two floors was a long, covered slide that led to the back of the machine.

David thought it was all very cute and sarcastically commented, "Has the circus really come to town?"

"Seriously!?" Jessica screamed, her face red from crying. She clearly thought this was hell and clutched the cross around her neck tightly. "You're even more of an idiot than me... uuummpph!"

Jessica was jostled as David stood up and whispered, "Not now, I think I hear someone coming."

"Hmmmnnn!" Jessica let out a low growl like an irritated puppy as she followed David behind one of the pillars, and sure enough, they saw someone coming out of one of the doors—an alien clown girl?

There were no other words in the universe to describe the creature they were observing; except perhaps "bimbo" or "whore." The alien was a busty, explosive woman with plastic breasts the size of basketballs, a perky, round ass, and defined hips. She was painted head to toe in bright white paint, with bright red circles on both cheeks and a large red clown nose. Her hair was a spiky mane, fiery red, shimmering, and reaching down to her lower back.