What feels like clarity

And then slowly, slowly, it began to subside. Still holding each other, we fell to the side, so devoid of energy at that point that it felt like it took everything we had just to shuffle up and lay on her pillows facing each other.

I stayed there in silence for a moment, catching my breath, as Charley curled up and buried her face against my chest. And then slowly, quietly, I felt her begin to shake, heard her softly crying again as her tears ran down her face and pooled across my bare skin.

Before, this probably would have terrified me. But for the first time since our drunken mistake on the night of Mum’s party last Summer, I felt a surprising clarity. When Charley had shot me down, what had hurt so much more than the rejection itself was the feeling that I didn’t know her like I thought I did. But after our talk on the balcony, I was finally sure of myself. I did know her. And I knew these weren’t tears of hurt or regret. They were tears of an overwhelming sense of relief.

And so, I didn’t need to panic or get in my head again. I just needed to hold her as tightly as I could.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’m rusty, huh?”

She let out a painful laugh in between sobs and slapped my bare chest lightly. And after a minute or so, she finally took a shaky breath. “Ugh, fuck,” she exhaled. “Everything’s just hitting me all at once.”

“In a good way, or a bad way?”

“In every way,” she choked. “I was so awful to you. I don’t understand how you still loved me, after all that time.”

I shrugged, smiling. “My feelings for you weren’t so shallow that you being kind of a bitch one time would make them all go away.

“You corny little shit. I don’t deserve you.”

“Funny. I thought the same thing about you constantly, over the years.”

She paused, looking up at me. “You really liked me since we were kids? The whole time?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“No, I just … I can’t believe I never noticed.”

“Neither can I,” I replied. “As much as I tried to hide it, it always felt like I was always being really obvious.”

Charley didn’t reply to that. She just held me tighter. “Well … you got me. I’m yours,” she mumbled.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Alright, then,” I whispered. “You are so, so worth the wait.”

Both of us didn’t really have the energy to say anything else after that. I know I was thoroughly worn out. But it was okay – despite the fact that I was leaving tomorrow, it still somehow felt like we had all the time in the world.

As my eyes closed, and I drifted off into sleep with Charley next to me, I couldn’t help but feel the weight lifting off my shoulders after what felt like an eternity of turmoil. Like everything had finally been figured out.

Boy, was I fucking wrong about that.