Whammo!

"Fuck!" I dropped my keys! I go down to get them and then to look for the right one.

Then Whammo!

It sounds like some kind of strike. I see a bright flash.

Turns out Katy was only faking it! She has hit me with a discarded empty olive bottle.

I then feel something else. A jolt in my crotch.

She kicks me in the balls with her hiking boots!

Rarely do I feel such pain, possbly the worse crotch kicks I've ever experienced—and I've had several.

Next I smell pepper.

Oh no! My eyes!

Then I hear her pulling her pants down and feel her squatting over my face.

I feel a stream-of-sorts of warm liquid on my face.

She's pissing on me!

"There are guys who'd pay $1000s for what I'm giving you for free. I should know: I get a few offers every month."

She then pulls out her phone to call the police. Every time I try to get up, she kicks or knocks me down.

A few of my neighbours come to her aid.

"Katy Perry! Fuck! What are you doing here? I love California Gurls. Cute feet..., what happened..., Oh that guy..., Yeah, he's one of those losers who lives in our project..., He tried to do what? Well Miss Perry, sign me up as a witness."

I don't go to jail for long. The judge says that given the circumstances that I've become an even greater social pariah, and thus have been somewhat punished, and Katy isn't too vengeful.

I'm off on probation though with the following conditions:

1. I do 300 hours of community service.
2. I attend a anti-sexual **** course.
3. I listen, supervised, to Katy Hudson, One of the Boys, Teenage Dream, Prism, Witness, MTV Unplugged, Ur So Gay, and The Hello Katy Australian Tour EP each 20 times.
4. I write a 3000 word essay on why attempting sexual **** is bad—without spelling or grammatical errors!