Wait, what?

“Huh? Is that all you have to say?”

“What are you talking about? Why do you say you want to make it up to me? I was the one murdering Kemal right in front of you. Getting his blood upon your face. Traumatizing you. Making you an accomplice by lying about it.”

“What are you talking about? Kemal was about to **** me and I didn’t do anything to stop him. I froze. You saved me from him. You saved me from that. What if you hadn’t done that? He would have done it over and over again. In exchange for not letting me die out here.”

“I could have warned him. Reported him to the officers.”

“And what’s to say they would have punished him? They need every soldier. He would still be around, doing it perhaps to others, or killing you as reprisal. You have warned him, twice. We all heard him talking on the bus. I barely listened to my music when I sat next to you. You tried to shut him up. And afterwards you gave a small speech about respect. We all knew you addressed Kemal by it. And instead of taking the advice, he selfishly turned your words around and threatened me with your words. He wouldn’t have stopped.”

“I still traumatized you. All that blood on your face... Killing him in front of you.”

“You didn’t. I was frozen up. As for killing him that way, probably the best way you could have done it. If you had confronted him, he could have killed you in a fight. I wouldn’t have done anything to prevent it. I couldn’t bring myself to move, to scream, you had to slap me in the face to wake me up. And afterwards you took it up yourself to bury the body. While the others broke up the camp I went back, the body was gone.”

“Yes, I did, and in the process I made you an accomplice. I **** you to stay silent after I told the officer he deserted.”

“You didn’t **** me to stay silent. The whole platoon knows you killed him.”

“Wait, what?”

“Don’t you remember? You told me to clean up my face. I stumbled into the camp, desperately looking for water and a cloth. The others woke up and saw me. I had to explain what happened. We barely slept that night, talking the rest of the night about it, and leaving it up to you to align our stories. We agreed to follow your example. So you told the officer he deserted, lied about him being dead, we all agreed it was the best way to deal with it.”

“But I thought you hated me?”

“Why the fuck would you think that?”

“After I came back to the camp, you looked at me so afraid of me, so pained, as if I was a dangerous psychopath. Never talked to me, just looked to me, at all times, as if you were angry with me. Watching me, sitting close by. I thought you were trying to **** me to feel guilty, to spill the beans.”

“Huh, that was not my intention. I looked angry, because I was and still am angry with myself not being able to defend myself. Needing you to defend me. I thought I was stronger, but it seems not. I kept looking at you, because I was worried. Knowing your first kill would affect you. Knowing I **** you to kill your own platoon member. I watched you coming back to the camp, clearly having cried, then trying to sleep, I saw you were having trouble, I knew you were having nightmares. I felt your pain, and added mine because I feel guilty being the cause of that.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I couldn’t! You were ignoring me completely in every way. In the camp you turned your back to me. In the bus you left me to sit on your own. In the training you separated me to go with Kate. And just now, in this hole you turned your back to me some more. You didn’t talk to me, you didn’t want to look at me. You were angry with me. I fully understood, me talking to you was the last thing you wanted.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you. I just couldn’t look at you, feeling guilty every time you gazed back upon me. I tried to leave you alone. You were traumatized enough. And I was certainly not angry with you. I was angry for what I had done to you.”

A small pause followed. Each was thinking over the heated exchange we just had. We both started to talk again. I let Kylie to be the first.

“So you are not angry with me?”

“No.”

“You should be. I was weak. I **** your hand.”

“You didn’t, you aren’t. You should be with me. I know I am guilty.”

“You aren’t, there was no other way.”

“Tell Kemal that.”

“Fuck Kemal.”

“You sure I didn’t hurt you?”

“Yes, I am sure, on the contrary, you saved me. I have seen you being hurt, I can’t stand it anymore to not being able to help. So I ask you again. How can I? Please, anything I can do to help.”

“I can’t stop feeling guilty, it will take time to see things more in your point of view. I am sorry I made it difficult for you to finally speak up to me. But I am very grateful you doing so. I had no idea the whole platoon knew of it. I thought I fucked up my chances being a decent platoon leader.”

“You are a great leader. We didn’t think it at first, ordering us around. But after... Kemal, we started to respect you very much. We know you’ll do anything to try to protect us.”

Hmm. Strange times. Killing on of your own resulting in more respect from the rest of the team.

“Now what?” I asked.

“Well, what do you want? I told you I want to make it up to you.”

“Huh... I don’t see the need of you thanking me. I reacted out of anger. I never thought about the consequences. I just did.”

“Well, I want to thank you. It lessens my feeling of guilt too. Even if you say I shouldn’t feel guilty, I just can’t stop.”

“I can’t think of anything suitable to thank me.”

“Well, I can. I talked to Kate to fill me in about your personal life before.”

“Uh-oh...”

“Yes, uh-oh,...” But she grinned at me and reached out with her hand to the zipper of my sleeping bag.