Trials and Courage

Buzzzzzzzz. HMMMmmm…

“Fuck.”

I sat up and moved over a seat to avoid the draft of the AC vent that had began blowing down onto me.

I’ve been to plenty of “facilities” in the last year. The environment was what could best be described as white and sterile – always feels like I’m walking into a fridge. However, this facility was much more extravagant than the ones I’ve been used to. Fewer chairs, a library, expensive looking tables, and a Keurig by a sink. It was more isolated. Normally, the rooms are filled with patients, idle chatter – sometimes kids crying or screaming. My routine was simple, pull out my phone – check my chats, my chatrooms, Reddit, tech news aggregators – avoid staring or meeting others’ gaze. It kept me busy and distracted. From many things.

However, this room was too quiet. It didn’t work.

My eyes wondered to the clock that was loudly tocking on the wall – 8:07. My appointment was for eight o’clock, but then again this wasn’t one of my usual appointments; it was the appointment.

Looking down, I locked my wrists in each hand as they stuttered against one another. It wasn’t the cold.

Pop. Crackle crackle. Pop.

My eyes went to the PA flush against the ceiling. Someone was about to say something... but I guess they changed their mind.

I took a deep breath and sighed, my breath shivering out of me.

“What the fuck.”

Last Week

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Turning off my phone, I stood up and walked across the room to the sink.

French vanilla, breakfast-style, Arabian. I grabbed breakfast and fiddled with the menus on the coffee machine. Within seconds it was already spewing coffee into the small cardboard cup.

Beep. Click. Creeeeeak.

“Tyler! How are you feeling today,” said the man coming through the door.

I put on an exaggerated smile, “Dr. Avari! I thought you had already left! I’m doing okay. Just need a little coffee to wake me up, you know? I’m not usually up and about this early.”

Avari was the nicest doctor I’ve ever had, and probably the closest ever I’ve been to having a doctor as a friend. His Indian accent and bright, sunny disposition – something about him really helped me feel comfortable about making my monthly appointments.

A bit of uneasiness filled me as he smiled and quickly headed my way, no doubt to shake my hand. Instead however, he grabbed my wrists with both hands and pulled them against his chest – leaving me shocked.

“You have no idea how proud I am to be your doctor today! What you are doing is absolutely going to benefit so many people hurting out there… Knowing you, I’m sure you understand what I mean.”

I laughed a bit and put out a bit of modest dark humor, “Haha, to be honest… I’m just happy that I’m going to keep my sight. That’s just a nice bonus for me.”

Avari let go of my hand and crossed his arms, a smug smile snuck across his face.

“I think you’re really gonna remember this appointment – I know I am. When I got here I expected to just turn over your paperwork, but imagine my surprise when I was invited to talk over the paperwork with-”

Avari withdrew himself and smiled, closing his eyes and shaking his head side to side with delight.

“Let’s just say that I had a very interesting conversation with some of the most brilliant people in this field! Absolutely a pleasure! Very interesting stuff. You are in for quite a treat!”

“Haha, well, I’m glad this gets the Avari seal of approval,” genuine happiness filled me seeing how joyful this was making Avari.

Avari’s smile faded as his duty took over from his excitement.

“Now listen. I knew when you brought this treatment up to me that you were really, really interested in this stuff. How- ever… I must bring this reality to you - this is a one-way street. You get this treatment, don’t like it, doesn’t go good… well, you’ll be compensated with what I would describe as one the best disability insurances I have EVER seen. HOWEVER, you know there is risk and one of those risks is that they reverse your treatment. I’ll be frank with you... no eyeballs.”

Avari was serious but I couldn’t help but laugh, drawing Avari into laughter with me.

“No no no, but I’m serious. Ask questions! I know you’re very smart! Decide if this treatment is worth the risk. If it’s not, don’t do it. There are many ways for you to navigate this world without sight. It isn’t the end.”

My eyes teared up and my breath shallowed as Avari consoled me.

“I know, I know,” I responded, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“It’s okay, I know this is a life-changing decision, it isn’t easy. It’s not any easier for me. It doesn’t get any easier when one of my patients has come to me with these decisions.”

I look Avari in the eyes, clearing my running nose, “If you were in my position, would you do it?”

Avari stepped back and brought his arms back into a cross.

“If my son were to be in your position…” Avari thought, and thought.

“No, what if it were you…”

The doctors hands meshed together and his index fingers pressed against his lips. His lips smacked and he bit his lip, weighing his answer.

“Yes… yes. If it were me, and this were to push the bar on what we could do for others... I would. I would.”

His sense of duty was rubbing off on me, and I was able to pull myself together.

Avari smiled, and he casually checked his watch. His eyes widened a bit before he put his hand out before me.

“I’m so sorry, Tyler. I must get back to my practice before my next appointment. They’re ready for you.”

We shook.