The tree with few leaves.

I didn’t need to look for Ambra very far. When I was walking to her room I heard her say my name:

“Alex.”

“Ambra? Why are you sitting here alone? In the dark?”

“I feel safe in the dark.”

Oh, right. Sitting in the dark were the only times she had been safe. No one would hurt her in the dark. But being alone in the dark, could mean she was waiting for the light and the pain to come. Afraid or in a twisted way eager to be loved again. I couldn’t let that association to continue. I had my own candles with me, just in case someone would forget, or when I wanted to be alone myself in the corridor. But I couldn’t just light a candle without her permission.

“Do you feel safe with me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind if I sit here with you for a while in this alcove?”

“No.”

So I sat next to her, trying to keep as much distance as possible between her and me.

“I want to sit closer, Alex?”

It seemed the hug wasn’t going to be a one-off thing. She still asked for my permission. So why not?

“You may, Ambra.”

She leaned against me, with her head upon my shoulder.

“Can I light a small candle, Ambra?”

She hesitated. She breathed in and out slowly.

“Yes, Alex.”

So I took out a small candle, placed it in front of us and lit it.

I heard her breathing go a little bit faster, but then she calmed down again.

“Do you still feel safe, Ambra?”

“Yes. You are with me.”

My heart cried out to her. Upon hearing she still felt safe with me, with some light, with a man close to her, she still felt safe. Because it was me. With her, I really felt special.

“Is Emma now your woman too, Alex?”

“I am hers and she is mine, Ambra.”

“Good. Emma was sad. Emma is happy.”

“I hope so, Ambra.”

“Emma is a woman.”

“Yes, she is.”

“I am a woman.”

Uh-oh... I could see the cog-wheels turning in her mind. But there was no denying that for her. For me, however, she was a child.

I sighed.

“You are a woman...”

“I am a child too.”

I sighed again. She understood herself better than I thought. Or me, better than I thought.

“Yes, Ambra, you are a child too.”

“Ella said. A child needs protection. A child needs love. A child needs care.”

“No, Ambra. All need protection. All need love. All need care.”

After all, I was still in need of all. As a man and as an adult. Giving all, doesn’t mean I didn’t need all. The events in here made that perfectly clear to me. If I was in doubt before.

“Ella said. You need protection. You need love. You need care.”

“She is correct. All need, I need.”

“Ella wants to give all.”

“Ella gives all, Ambra.”

“You give all.”

“I try, Ambra.”

“You give all, Alex.”

“For some I do. For some I failed.”

“Failing. I am afraid of.”

“All are afraid of failing, Ambra.”

“I want to give all. Afraid of failing.”

“Difficult to give all, Ambra. But if you don’t try, you will fail. If you try, you fail or you succeed.”

“I want to give all to you, Alex.”

“I know you want, Ambra.”

“You give all to me, Alex.”

“I try, Ambra.”

“No. You give all to me.”

“I want to give all to you, Ambra.”

“I am a woman.”

“You are a woman and a child.”

She was a bit silent after that. I had no doubt in my mind she was thinking about the implications of what I had tried to say.

“How am I not a child?”

She was incredibly smart in her logic thinking. I had seen that before in the group conversations. But her latest question was the conundrum of course. How do you stop being a child? Do you ever stop being a child, even when you are an adult? You lay every experience on top of each other, you learn new things and you keep learning new things as an adult. What is the difference between a child and an adult? And if I knew, how do I explain it to her? And furthermore, even if she was a woman, would I ever want her to be a girlfriend? Because she was trying to eliminate every obstacle, I knew it, I could see it and now I could hear it.

I, on the other hand had to think very carefully too. I saw her as a child because of her experiences. She needed care, protection and love as a child. Not as a woman. She was a child in her mind in the body of a woman. Now, how do I solve this one...?

“You see trees in the forest, Ambra. You hugged trees in the forest. Trees are not children. Why are trees not children, Ambra?”

“They are big, wide and strong.”

“Yes, they are bigger than their children. You are bigger than a child. They are wide, you are wider than a child, even wider than me, with all what you experienced. They are stronger, you are... you are too easy to hurt, Ambra.”

“Ah...”

I didn’t want to say no. I was afraid to hurt her. To an adult you can easily say no. To a child, even easier. But to her, I couldn’t, just because she was a woman and a child. She wasn’t a strong tree.

A tree is strong because...

“You are a tree, Ambra, but you have not many leaves. If a tree doesn’t have many leaves, and someone plucks a leave, it will hurt you a lot more than a tree with many leaves.”

“Ah. So I need more leaves... How do I get more leaves?”

“Time, Ambra. Time with sunlight, rain and good earth. And no people that want to steal your leaves.”

“Ah...”

“You need time to think now, Ambra. But I will leave this candle with you. It is my candle, Ambra, but I give it to you. As something of me to keep you company.”

“I want to hug before you leave, Alex?”

“You may, Ambra.”

So we both stood up, and we both experienced each other’s light. Then we broke off, she sat down again and didn’t blow out the candle, when I went to back to my girlfriends.