The stripping of Helga

"For God's sake, Von Smallhausen," said Helga. "Stop fidgeting. You're supposed to be watching out for suspicious characters, not acting like a nervous schoolboy."

"I can't help it, Helga," said Von Smallhausen. "My stomach keeps rumbling. And the sight of all the food in this inn just reminds me that we haven't had breakfast yet."

"We'll eat when Herr Flick says we'll eat," said Helga. "In the meantime, keep your mind on your duty."

"That's easy for you to say," said Von Smallhausen. "You have a steak dinner with Herr Flick almost every night. However, I, his lowly assistant, has to make do with more humble fare."

"Oh, stop your whining and watch those maids," said Helga. "Anyone who travels with as many foreign women as those two Englishwomen has to be up to something."

"If you say so, Helga," said Von Smallhausen. "Would a pair of scissors floating in mid-air count as suspicious?"

"Don't be silly, Von Smallhausen," said Helga. "How could a pair of scissors float in mid-air?"

"I don't know, Helga," said Von Smallhausen. "But that's what they're doing. Just look behind you."

Helga looked behind her and saw that there was really a pair of scissors floating in mid-air. A pair of scissors that promptly dropped to the ground the moment Helga looked at them.

"Well, that was weird," said Helga.

Then Helga felt something grasp the left sleeve of the jacket. Before she knew it, the sleeve was being torn off and flung a few feet away.

"Herr Flick!" cried Helga. "I'm being attacked."

"Not now, Helga," said Herr Flick. "I'm still interviewing the suspects."

"But Herr Flick," said Helga. "Now someone is tugging on the right sleeve of my jacket."

"Well, stop them," said Herr Flick, not even bothering to turn around.

"You heard Herr Flick, Von Smallhausen," said Helga. "Stop that guy."

"What guy?" asked Von Smallhausen.

"The one tugging on my right sleeve," said Helga.

"But, Helga, there is no one there," said Von Smallhausen.

Just then the right sleeve was torn off and an invisible somebody started tugging at Helga's skirt.

"Whoever it is, he seems to be doing a whole lot of damage for someone who isn't there," said Helga. "Now stop him."

"Okay," said Von Smallhausen.

He hurriedly rushed forward to grab the invisible something tugging at Helga's skirt, only to grab Helga by the waist instead. The reward he received for this action was a prompt slap in the face.

"I said 'grab him'," said Helga. "Not 'grab me'."

"My apologies, Helga," said Von Smallhausen. "But it is very hard to capture someone who is not there."

Just then Helga's skirt came off and shortly afterwards, her pantaloons.

"There's someone there all right," said Helga. "Unless you choose to believe I voluntarily stripped myself below the waist just for the heck of it."

"What you do in regard to your own wardrobe is none of my business," said Von Smallhausen.

Helga sighed and reached around for the invisible someone who was causing her such trouble. But her hands could feel no one in the area.

Good, she thought. Whoever it was is now gone.

Then someone pulled the remains of Helga's jacket off her body.

"Helga," said Von Smallhausen. "I think your invisible man is still here."

"Of course, he's still here, Von Smallhausen," said Helga. "Now shut up and arrest the creep."

"How can I arrest someone I can't even see?" asked Von Smallhausen.

"Improvise, damnit!" cried Helga.

She tried to grab for the man herself but her fingers just missed him. Helga kept grabbing for him, but he seemed to be just one step ahead of her. And circling around her to boot.

"Here we go round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush. Here we go round the mulberry bush, on a cold and frosty morning," sang an invisible voice.

"Well, in a sense he is right," said Von Smallhausen. "He is going round your bush, Helga."

"Oh, be quiet, Von Smallhausen," said Helga. "Let me concentrate."

As Helga tried to concentrate, she felt both of her stockings being pulled down. She tried to grab for them but then something tugged at her blouse and suddenly her blouse was gone.

Then something removed her bra and the only things that spared her from total nudity were her shoes and her corset. And yet now something was tugging at her corset...

"Oh, no, you don't!" cried Helga, reaching out to grab the tugger.

But instead of grabbing a piece of masculine anatomy, Helga found herself grabbing hold of a pair of invisible female breasts. And promptly received a slap in the face as a result.

"Fresh!" Helga heard someone say in a female voice.

Then her corset disappeared and Helga found herself too busy trying to hide her nakedness with her hands to worry too much about the identity of the apparently other invisible person in the room.