The need to feel.

I felt numb. I knew it was a sign of **** trauma. It was a defense mechanism of the mind to protect itself against further trauma. But feeling numb surrounded by people you love, is like being among the living dead, unable to feel empathy, being indifferent, unable to do something useful.

So recognizing that numbness and what is was meant for, was my first step. I recognized it with the others too. Kylie barely spoke a word, Kate was not as empathic as before. She hardly comforted her brother, if she did, it was without an expression on her face. She was just going through the motions. Her brother was like a zombie, just ate and dug, and went on shooting practice for hours on an end, accompanied by Didier who was much like him. It was at least good they had each other to be with, albeit in silence. Kara didn’t feel numb, it looked like it, she kept crying all day, having nightmares all night.

I **** myself to not be indifferent. Not going through the motions like Kate was doing, or shutting myself off from the rest, like Kylie, or feeling only sadness like Kara. We had to talk. Really talk. It was the only way.

I gathered the women at the circle. Sadly Tom and Didier were on another day long shooting practice in the woods far away and would not join us. Perhaps later they would join our sessions.

I explained the theory of numbness and the need to feel again. To connect again. We had to start somewhere. I asked each to recall a moment of happiness from our time together as a section. First to picture it in their mind and then to try to find the words to talk out loud. They agreed to try.

Kylie started first:

“It was the first night I saw you, Alex, not having nightmares anymore. Before I was always anxious to see you going to sleep. I would be awake the whole night watching you trying to get some sleep. Even when you pushed me away. It hurt so much. I felt so guilty for it. Above all, I felt so useless. But then after I gave you my “thank you”, you still had nightmares sometimes. It took longer than expected, but as you said, you couldn’t **** yourself not feeling guilty.

I knew I did something right, I felt I was the cause of your returning to normal, not by the blowjob, but by being there for you. I felt happy, because you needed me. I felt happy because you started to return the thanks in eh... various ways. You really recognized me for giving you something you couldn’t shake off on your own, and then returning the gratitude you must have felt. From that moment I started to feel more for you, and I knew I shouldn’t, but still I did. You started to ask my help in helping others, and I knew you considered me as a valuable person. You started relying on me for stuff you could do on your own, but still asked me to do them for you, like I was the best person to do it. I was feeling useful in so many ways, even when you didn’t ask my help and had to **** to rely on me to get you better again.”

“I was so grateful for all you had done that first night you spoke to me,” I said: “Despite me being a leering creep to Kate before the war, you swept that aside, and accepted me for what I had become. Despite my overwhelming guilt, you pointed out the better reasons why I did what I had to do, that first night you stood watch. You weren’t afraid of me. You did more than help me, you talked to the others about it, and about other things too. I never have been a good talker, but I unconsciously started to rely on you to bind the team together with talking to the other team members. Sometimes you talked too much to my liking, but I knew it was for the best. You started to take care of others, to make them feel good. I relied on you more and more. I started to feel more than I should feel for you, but I couldn’t help it. It felt so nice. Useful, you say, you are more than useful, you are just vital. Damn it, come here, I want to kiss you. I want to feel you.”

“I want that too, but not right now, we need to hear the others first too.”

“Fuck, you’re right. Right as usual.” I admitted.

“Don’t you forget that, Alex.” She said smilingly.

“Kate, do you want to go next?” Kylie asked her gently. Kate nodded.

“I admit it, I didn’t want to be in this team. Not even when mom said I had to join with Alex, as he had promised her to take care of us. I couldn’t understand why you, Alex, would sacrifice your life for us. Being as old as you, you could have stayed home. I thought at first it was ruse to be close to me, you had your funny moments being with us, working in the garden, but you did have your moments you were outright leering. I didn’t know what to think of you. When I lamented my boyfriend could not be with us, you genuinely consoled me with telling me, he would be positioned close to us. I didn’t know why you would say such a thing to me. If you desired me, you could have said something like: it is just for a short while, after the war, you can reconnect. That would have been a lie, giving false hope, I could have felt you wanted me for a short time for yourself.

Then you saved Kylie from Kemal, now that was even a bigger creep. If you were a real creep, you could have joined him and **** Kylie to do exactly as you wanted. But you didn’t, instead you killed him, buried the body and lied he deserted. And then you even had nightmares about it. You kept your distance to Kylie. I couldn’t understand it. Then Kylie came to me. She wanted to know all about you. I told her my piece. She said her piece.

She said that older lonely men sometimes got corrupted by their fantasies. They couldn’t help it anymore. It was pure loneliness that made them lose control over their involuntary actions. But that the good creeps would never cross the threshold and actively **** themselves to abide a certain code, or just abide by the law, or just abide by their empathy not to hurt people.

You went further than not hurting people. You killed a man wanting to hurt Kylie. Without hesitating. From that moment, I started to see you really meant it you would protect us. And not only us, everyone in your team. You stopped leering at me, consumed by your promise not to hurt, but to protect. You acted like a father for us, caring for us.

I had contact with my boyfriend in the last training course. He said he had cheated on me, told me I deserved the truth before we went to war, but I felt like it just nagged him having to lie, and the war was an excuse to finally tell me, to come clean. I never told you but now. I told Kylie. But I also told her I had a small crush on her. It was probably a rebound effect after breaking up with my boyfriend. She is so beautiful. First I just found her attractive, then I liked her for her humor, dirty as it sometimes was. At one of those dirty jokes, I told her to give you one blowjob, as a way of saying thanks. At the time I didn’t know why I said that. After she gave you that blowjob, she said that Alex really enjoyed the blowjob, but that he was really grateful for the conversation before. Like that was the best of all of it!

You were far from a gentle creep, my views shifted more and more and I began to see you as a potential lover, better than my boyfriend. I have always liked older men, father figures, I knew I did. Probably because my dad had died before I started learning about myself, about boys, about girls. I was attracted to them, but didn’t act on it. I started to get attracted to you, but also at Kylie. Yeah, I know, probably the rebound effect, searching for love everywhere and in everyone. But I still needed a test. I asked Kylie to join you in the foxhole one night. I wanted to test if you would actively resist desiring me, or even resist touching me, even if you had the chance to. Kylie said you wouldn’t come close to me. She said, on some level you still desired me, but that you would not act on it, ever. Not on your own.

So we tested it. You didn’t do anything. Even better, or worse, I got conflicted at times, you resisted any temptation that night. I felt rejected and joyful at the same time. Kylie saw what was happening to me, my confusion about my feelings. If I felt rejected, she told me, it is because I desired you, and if I felt joy not having been touched then, it is because you did pass the test of an ideal partner. So, why not go for you? Now, on that moment, when Kylie had said that, I felt joy.”

“Wow... quite a story.” Kara said. “Look at Alex,” she said: “It will take some time to process all that.”

“So you really love me? Even after all I was...?” I said quietly.

“Nevermind,” mumbled Kara.

“Yes, I do,” Kate said emphatically.

I was a wussy, I admit, but tears stung in my eyes hearing that, listening to her story. It also filled in the gaps I was wondering about.

Kate saw my tears and she started to get up.

“Wait!” Kylie exclaimed. “I know what you want to do, trust me, I want to the same right now too. But we are not done yet. Believe me.”

Begrudgingly, Kate sat down again, looked at Kara, then back to Kylie and said:

“You’re right, Kylie, as usual. We need to give her a chance too. We can’t...”

“Hush now, Kate.” Kylie softly said.