The first cowgirl adventurer

“Do we all have to be here today?” Roland asked, shuffling in his armor. His partner Arthur turned to address him, trying carefully to whisper lightly. As they were surrounded on all sides by the most esteemed members of the royal court, diplomats, the guild of holy knights, and the King and Queen themselves.

“Oh and do you have somewhere else to be? Something more important than summoning the champion of prophecy? The destined hero that will save our kingdom from–” Arthur spoke with a hissing whisper.

“I get it, I get it! It’s just that well,...you know Beatrice at The Drunken Swallow?” Roland explained,bringing his steel helmet closer to Arthur.

“The pub you get arsefaced in every night?” he asked incredulously.

“Yeah yeah yeah, well I was gonna ask her out today and I wanted to get her something nice, so you know I don't look like a complete ass”

“Let me get this straight, you want to go ask out the barmaid at the bar where every single night you’re crying into your mead about how the royals treat you like crap, the same barmaid who you confess your love to every single night and then use her dress as a handkerchief to dry your tears on when she tells you to “EAT A LEPER’S DICK” and then kicks you as hard as she can in the bollocks” Arthur finished, dropping the hushed whisper and tone after the last moment.

“...Err, –Yes?”

“Yer a bloody twat you know that?”

“As enlightening as it’s been listening to you two dimwits prattle on, would you kindly be quiet! This is a very delicate ritual and your mindless chattering is wearing on my wits!”

“Sorry sir!”

“Yes sir!”

Both guards saluted in unison, immediately standing at attention at the request of the master of the magicians guild.

Mobius Grandall, Master of the Magicians guild and lead Mage of the royal court sighed heavily, already stressed as it was to be doing this summoning. All of the important artifacts were in place, just as the ancient prophecies had decreed.

The runes were drawn in the center of the courtyard, and an elaborate sigil drawn by their most prominent arcanist. Nothing was given to chance, such was the importance of this ritual.

Mobius did a head count on the apprentices fuelling the mana field. Valkana, Demetrius, Staldat, Bordall, and…

Xander?

Where in the bloody realm was Xander!?

“Xander!” Mobius hollered, a furious canvas of anger etched upon his already withered face. “Where is that bloody dolt?!..as loath as I am to admit it, we need his mana reserves to enact this bloody summoning!” Mobious fumed.

“Why is he even part of an apprenticeship again?” Demetrius asked, breaking up Mobius' ranting and ravings.

“I owed a favor to my sister in law!” Mobius wailed. Soon they heard a rustling coming from the crowd of onlookers.

A young disheveled man, hastily donning an elaborate but well worn and dirtied wizard robes pushing through the crowd ineffectively. Mobius marched directly towards the throng of bodies, pointing an accusing finger toward the crowd and muttering a quick incantation.

“Woah!”

The young man was hoisted over the crowd by a magical ****, in a rather undignified manner. Pulled upside down by his foot, while he was smothered by his own robes. He sailed over the crowd to be plummeted ruffly at the feet of the other apprentices taking their positions in the placed sigils.

Xander got to his feet, smoothing out his robes and standing straight. His curly black hair was greasy and unkempt, along with his sparse beard that grew sporadically over his face, cheeks and neck. Most people would describe him as awkward and lanky.

“Xander! Of all the times to be slacking off! Do you not understand the importance of what we’re doing here!?”

“Yes uncle–”

“GRAND MASTER MOBIUS!!!” He spat with an unbound fury, his face turning red with anger. “Refer to me with the respect I deserve!”

“Yes! Uncle Grand Master Mobius!” Xander saluted. His wizard robes overflowing his body, looking more like a boy trying to wear his fathers clothes. The nearby guards and apprentices could barely contain their giggles at Xanders proclamation and Mobius’s fury.

“WHAT DID I..GAH!!...Never mind! Where were you!?”

“Oh umm…I was studying for the ritual!” Xander exclaimed, rolling up a scroll that fell out of his sleeve and trying to hastily shove it back in. Mobius snapped his fingers and had the scroll materealize within his palm. Xander had a panicked look in his eyes as Mobius unfurled the scrolls.

“This filth again!? How many times have I told you that this is an abomination and sin! It goes against all our scriptures and teachings!” Mobius seethed, as he held open Xander’s scroll of notes and “anatomically” correct drawings of various female figures all with monstrous traits and features.

“It’s harmless!” Xander argued, shifting his eyes.

“We’re going to have a long talk about what you spend your free time on, AFTER this summoning. Get to your place <b>boy!</b>”

Xander flinched at the command, as well as the harsh inflection.

Mobius sighed deeply, wiping his face dramatically and composing himself before the full spectacle of the grand royal court. Looking up to the rafters where the King and Queen themselves were waiting. The King gave a sharp nod, and Mobius cleared his throat.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE COURT! TODAY WE WILL SUMMON FORTH THE HERO LAGRANDE, PROPHESIED IN THE ANCIENT RUINS OF WINDFERTH WHO WILL RISE UP TO VANQUISH THE MONSTROUS HORDES THAT PLAGUE OUR LANDS!” Mobius’s arms whirled around dramatically, waving them in an intricate manner to start the ritual.

The apprentice's eyes all turn white with power, draining their mana reserves to feed the summoning spell. All the while mobius directs the flow of mana intricately in the air, weaving it about like silk ribbons in a thresher. Molding the spell into a sphere of light and magic.

An eerie wind picks up in the distance, and soon engulfs the entire arena. From the south lighting and thunder cracks down upon the earth, and from the east the sun glows dark almost in the manner of an eclipse. Mobius’s face turns red with determination, weaving the powerful spell with utmost care and precision while trying to keep its wild power contained. The apprentices strain with the amount of mana being drained from them, some wavering and buckling to their knees from exhaustion. Yet still they persevere, such is the importance of this right.

Perched upon a rack is an empty suit of glorious armor intricately detailed in black and gold. A fitting suit fit for the hero they are about to summon. Laid next to it is a sword, glowing runes etched into its blade to enchant it with holy might. The winds pick up, shaking the armor from within and throughout. Electricity crackles upon its surface, acting as a conduit to contain the power frothing inside it. The onlookers are nearly driven back from a shockwave of **** pelting them from all sides, the very color and light itself is drained from the very fabric of reality as everything is drenched in pitch blackness for a moment and a mighty deafening crack of thunder splits through the minds of all the onlookers.

The winds have stopped, the sun has returned, and all is silent. However, the armor of the champion is standing. At his full height two heads taller than any other man in the room, his form is magnificent. Mobius grins, he did it! He successfully summoned the champion! His will was answered by the gods!

Hastily Mobius picks himself up from the floor, eager to welcome the hero into this world. But stops short as he notices some strange discrepancies. The figure inside the armor seems to be struggling to remove its chest piece, not sure how to and the hips of the armor seem to be under immense pressure and dented outward. Not to mention the large pair of ivory white horns that have torn through the headpiece from within.

Mobius stops his approach, as everyone else looks in awe at their summoned champion. Struggling to free themselves from the confines of their armor. Mobius offers some assistance with a shaky hand, waves away the latches of the armor's chestpiece. Within seconds, the hero wrestles the chestpiece off.

What lies beneath causes gasps, and cries of outrage from the audience. The royal court to be stunned into stupefied silence and for the rest of Mobius' court of summoners to guffaw in laughter. The summoned hero had exposed themselves, or…herself as was appropriate for a bosom of such immense size and shape.