The Wanton Slut

“Okay,” he croaked.

“Yeah?”

He nodded. It felt like the weight of the world fell off my back.

“I want to preface this that this is a fantasy.”

“Of course.”

The seconds stretched in silence, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I would give him all the time he needed.

“All through high school, I always thought you weren’t a virgin.”

Not expecting him to start there. That he even believed that was a shock. “What? Why?”

He gave me a wry smile. “Really? You were never shy about blowing guys, so I figured…” My eyes narrowed. “Uh… anyway…”

“What? That I was slutting around like Ava and Brynn?” His face went red. “Fuck. Seriously?”

That kind of upset me. I thought he knew me better than that. Ava was a fucking whore who got what she deserved—knocked up by my ex. Brynn was a sweet girl, but an absolute airhead who spread her legs for anyone who showed her a little kindness. She didn’t deserve all the shit she got when it came out a fair number of the football team was regularly running train on her.

She was the only friend who continued talking to me after prom.

“You have no idea how much that turned me on.”

All sorts of gears were grinding at the sudden whiplash. I went from angry to confused to an unidentifiable blob made up of the mash of the two.

“Wait, you liked the idea I was some sort of sex-starved slut?”

Looking guilty, he nodded as he avoided my gaze. “You weren’t exactly in most relationships for long. A week or two ‘dating’ was long enough to get blowjobs on tap. Wasn’t a stretch to think it involved something… more.”

I opened my mouth to refute that, but found I couldn’t. It was true, and he knew it was true. One more mistake of my teenage years. Just because Colin was willing to lend an ear didn’t mean I had to share everything with him. Yet I did.

A pang of all too familiar guilt hit me as I remembered how I treated him in the past. Poor guy. That he stuck around long enough for me to get my shit together was a miracle.

He took a deep breath. “I used to jack off to you.”

That wasn’t the revelation he thought it was. “I figured.” I didn’t figure, I knew. Even teased him a little. Again, stupid teenage bitch I was thought I was doing a favor being ‘comfortable’ around him. He never saw me nude, but there had been plenty of times he saw me in only underwear as I changed. It always made me feel good seeing him struggle to hide an erection. Especially after a breakup. Nothing made me feel more attractive and desirable than getting a guy hard.

Jesus, I was a terrible person.

“Not of you,” he said, not meeting my eye. “You and the other guys. Your boyfriend at the time. Friends who I knew were only being nice because they wanted to fuck you. I imagined what they were doing to you and—” He cleared his throat. Gathering up his courage, he looked at me. “Got off on that.”

The surprise hit hard, but I kept an iron grip on my expression. There was no way I was going to ruin things by letting him misunderstand me when I was still figuring all this out myself. This was one of those things I think he would rather keep secret and that I was dragging it out of him. Him telling me this was a privilege and display of his trust for me, and I would respect that and give it the weight it deserved.

It was still hard to get my head around. Colin was a vanilla guy—even if he did like his hentai. Hell, even that was vanilla. Standard guy-girl stuff with nothing weird or ****.

Hearing him talk about getting off to the idea of me slutting around with other guys was not what I expected out of him, but I also loved him and would continue to do so regardless of his kink. It wasn’t anything illegal after all.

“You’re disgusted,” he said, looking away with a pained expression.

Shit. Even if I hadn’t reacted, I never said anything either.

“Not true,” I said as I grabbed his hand and pulled it towards me. “I want to be honest with you. I don’t really know how to feel about it.” My fingers entwined with his. “I never knew about this side of you.”

“Obviously.”

“But I’m happy I do.” He looked at me and I broke my stoic look with a smile. “Come on, Colin. I love you. Knowing this doesn’t change that.” I could see the struggle within him. He loved me. No doubt about that. Yet this desire was warring with his conception of that love. The pain in his voice as he spoke weighed against my chest. The emotions we both felt were thick as he **** himself forward, opening up in a way neither of us had ever experienced before.

“I love you. Always have,” he started. “I knew I was a bit different. The guys in our friend group were always girl crazy, but I never felt the same way they did. Girls were pretty of course. Attractive even. Sexually though?” He sighed. “The only time I really felt the urge was, uh… you. Listening to them talk about you, what they wanted to do to you… I regret not telling you. Maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently. But it doesn’t change that I didn’t. I even liked it, imagining what they were saying was true.”

The heaviness demanded humor. Respectful humor. “My beauty ruined other girls for you.” Not a question. Fact. “Sorry,” I said with a small smile, heart racing as I waited for his reaction. I was overjoyed to see it returned.

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Oh, I do.”

His smile naturally faded as he continued. “You being so open around me didn’t help. Not caring I was seeing you in underwear; casually mentioning how you gave such-and-such a blowjob the day before; it tugged at something. Something I didn’t really have until those moments.” I smiled, encouraging him to continue and eager to learn more about my sweet, goofy man who filled my heart to bursting each and every day. It was a weird moment for me. I regretted those moments, so him sounding thankful for them had me confused. “I know I am attracted to you. I love being with you even if I’m not driven at the same levels you are. Yet I still can’t pull away from how I was in high school. Knowing—at least I thought I knew—that you and other guys were intimate fueled a lot of my sexual desires then.” He gave me a grin, tone teasing. “You certainly provided plenty of material.”

I felt my cheeks heat. “I wasn’t that bad.”

“Junior year, you had six boyfriends in a month.”

“One month. One time.”

“You had to have dated over thirty guys.”

“Never counted,” I mumbled.

His grin widened. “Well, I did.”

Releasing his hand, I gave him a light push. “I don’t want to hear it,” I said with a fake pout, happy we still were able to inject humor into the seriousness of the conversation.

“But that’s the thing, I do. You have no idea the kind of fantasies I had around you. That time you dated Thomas for a week before dropping him for Aaron?”

I had to think, putting old faces to names. “I dated Aaron for…” How long? Oh man. It hadn’t even been that long ago. Shit. I couldn’t even remember if I was a sophomore or junior at the time. He had been a grade higher, I remember that.

“Three months.”

I pursed my lips. “Should I be disturbed you know my dating history better than I do?”

“One of the many things I love about you. You never really cared about the guys you were dating.”

“Rude. I cared about all the guys I dated.”

“Not really.” I was about to get combative as he pressed forward. “You know I’m right. No matter how long you dated someone, you were never all that broken up about it when they dumped you—or you dumped them. A week, sometimes less, and you were back in a relationship with another guy.” He grinned. “You broke a lot of hearts.”

Looking down, I felt the weight of guilt on me. It was true, and one of the things I hated about my past self. I was selfish and conceited. I thought I cared about my boyfriends, but the truth was I never really cared. Not the same way most did about me.

Not until Colin.

Colin’s voice was low, not looking at me as he shared a part of him he never expected to. “My fantasy version of you—What I told myself—” He took a deep breath. “The reason why you never stuck around long was because you were never satisfied with only one.” I didn’t get a chance to respond or even process that as the words tumbled from him. There was a passion to his voice, telling me all I needed about how much this meant to him. “I kinda knew it wasn’t true. You were a sexual woman, but not like I imagined you were. The idea of it though. You dating a guy was only because it was expected; tossing him out and immediately trying another guy. The idea of you having multiple short-term, sexual relationships, not because you liked the guy, but because you just wanted the sex that came with it. Nothing could turn me on but the imaginings of you using your then-boyfriend to get off—all while thinking of your next target.” There was guilt to his expression as he continued. “I thought of you like a slut. That when you broke up with someone, it was because you got what you wanted and wanted something new. Someone new. A new guy to play with. Better or worse didn’t matter. The relationship itself didn’t matter; only the sex it brought.”

He had a pained expression on his face. “The Erin in my fantasy was just a girl who used others for her own pleasure. Who was fine with being used. By your ‘boyfriend.’ By me. Anyone.”

His head hung low, staring at the floor. “Sorry.”

Wow.

Okay.

That was a lot to process.

I certainly understood why he would want to keep all that to himself. I didn’t regret learning it though. A part of me was relieved. Colin actually did have an interest in sex. Hearing him get so passionate made me want to take advantage of the situation and jump him right here and now, but I pushed that aside. Later. Right now, we were talking and opening up. Breaking the flow would ruin the momentum and I couldn’t trust this sort of atmosphere and opportunity to repeat itself.

The fun stuff could wait.

In a way, me wanting to jump him made me feel at ease about the whole thing. Nothing had changed from me learning this about him. I still wanted him more than ever. Physically, emotionally, everything.

Since he was being honest, I should too.

“I think that version of me could exist.” My voice was soft, breaking the silence that had settled between us. “I was one of the few virgins in the group. Handjobs and blowjobs were fine, but there was something about going beyond that. A part of me felt like it wasn’t the right time. The right person.” I smiled, finding his hand again. “And I’m glad I listened to it because it was right. Our first time woke something inside of me. You know what I was like.”

“Insatiable,” he said with a grin.

Clearing my throat, I ignored his tease. “If I didn’t listen to that and went through with it sooner, I think… I think that fantasy version of me wouldn’t be all that far off from reality.”

God, I loved those hazel eyes of his. This close, they were all I could see as we stared at each other. “And now?”

“What?”

“Would you want to?”

I pulled my hands away in shock. “We are talking about fantasy.”

“But if it wasn’t? If it was something I agreed to. Would you be willing to try?”

My jaw clenched as I stared at him. Emotions swirled within me as I kept my expression neutral. What kind of look was that? Hope? Was he being serious right now? My god. He was.

This weight on me was all too real.

“Try what?” I knew what he wanted. He all but told me. A part of me didn’t want to believe it. Colin and I were a team. A duo. A happy couple. Hearing that he got off to the idea of me with other men was fine. I was happy he had something that could get him going and that it involved me in a way.

Me actually sleeping with other men? That went beyond just him. That involved me. He might have been okay with it, but was I?

The fact I was aroused answered a question I didn’t want answered.

Overwhelming as all this was, it was undeniable that a part of me was intrigued. Not about sleeping with other guys, that didn’t appeal to me, but sleeping with other men meant more sex and that was something I was interested in.

And that made me feel guilty as fuck because I really, really wanted to have more sex.

“Erin?” There was concern in his voice and looking up at him through blurry vision made me realize just how emotionally charged this was. Looking at Colin, feeling the overwhelming love for him only made it all worse.

I was lying to myself. Sitting here now made it clear how much. I kept repeating to myself how it never mattered. That we had found a balance I was happy with, but I wasn’t. Toys were a pale imitation of what I craved. I wanted the weight of the man atop me. The heat of his skin. The smell of his sweat. The sounds he made as he gave me his all.

Most of all, I wanted to see the pleasure on his face. Pleasure I was giving him.

The more the lie was revealed, the more my resistance crumbled. I craved sex. The desire was so overwhelming, I didn’t even care if I got it from someone other than the man I loved. No, maybe that would be better. It was always interesting how different guys reacted when I sucked them off. How different their cocks were.

Variety was the spice of life after all.

Colin never said anything more. Words weren’t required. He knew. I was a mess, all the careful balance my lie had kept was gone. I wanted to cry. To sob for realizing how much I valued sex over my relationship. How, even now, I still felt overwhelming love for him despite this ravenous hunger for something he couldn’t give me. Something I didn’t even want from him.

I needed him. Wanted him.

But not alone.

He knew. Knew I had these thoughts and still loved me. Supported me.

I felt horrible. The woman I tried so hard to move away from. The cruel bitch who only cared about herself I spent so long burying was right there all along.

He took me back to the bedroom. No words were exchanged as he tenderly removed my clothing. His touch was unusually gentle as his lips showed me love only he could.

I was not.

I rode him with everything I had. I was demanding. The love was there, but we didn’t make love. I fucked him with my entire being. When he finished, I coaxed him back to life and went again.

Again.

I needed him.

I demanded everything he had until he had nothing left to give.

With him completely spent, we both lay on the bed staring at the ceiling as we panted for breath. We’d had **** moments before, but nothing like that. There had been desperation there. I had taken everything he had to give.

Closing my eyes, I felt the tears escape as I struggled to keep them.

More.

I wanted more.

His hand slipped into mine, fingers entwining. “Erin.” He was still winded, but he didn’t need to say anything more. I knew what he left unsaid. He understood me after all.

Kissing him, I felt more loved than ever before, yet hated how I was still the piece of shit taking advantage of that.

“I love you,” I whispered, meaning every word.

Snuggling against him, it took me hours to sleep.

Our relationship was never going to be the same, and it terrified me that I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing.