The Long Ride with Mars

“I had some fun flings. Things that came together during the summer and never lasted past the break. Hook-ups during parties. Promising first and second dates that didn’t amount to much. You get the gist of it,” Mars says, and you nod along. “It’s not that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I just wasn’t really trying to make one happen.”

“I get that,” you say. “Relationships take effort. It seems easier to just… date around.”

“Yeah, exactly,” she laughs. “Anyways, it wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I finally met a guy that really caught my attention. Two of them, in fact.”

“Oh no, a bizarre love triangle?” you ask.

“The one and only,” Mars smiles. “New Order aside, I thought it was pretty endearing. Two cute guys, both competing for my attention. It’s every teenage girl’s dream. How was I to pick? One was a bit nerdier, the other more sporty. Both were great in their own way. So I went on a few dates with both of them. I figured it was a fair way to give them both a chance.”

“Okay, sounds good so far,” you nod.”Who was better?”

“In hindsight? Hard to say,” Mars shrugs. “But in the moment, it was really dang obvious to me. One of the guys was really scared to push things forward. We would hang out for hours and I would give him the most obvious signals in the world, and he would either ignore them entirely or just get embarrassed and not know what to do or… crap, I’m getting second-hand embarrassment, just thinking about it.” You wince sympathetically. “The other guy was… fine? More fun to be around during those first couple dates. I mean he was a bit pushy—nothing out of line—but it just felt like we were getting somewhere. So at the end of those dates, it was a pretty easy choice for me.”

“Ah, so you went with the nerd, who was obviously the pushy guy,” you say.

Mars gives you a flat stare, and then she cracks a smile.

“Yeah, let’s go with that,” she says. “Anyways. I dated him for a couple of months. I eventually grew kinda tired of him. He was pretty immature. Then came the incident with the nail polish and glow sticks and way too many erections… yeah, I dumped him.”

“Sounds like you made the right call,” you laugh. “Though you’re definitely going to have to tell me more about that incident some time.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she laughs. “I need to be drunker for that story to come out.”

“Alright, so that’s ex one. Who’s next?”

“That’s it,” Mars says, and she laughs at your stunned expression.

“But… but I thought I was settling in for a long ride?”

“I was just messing with you,” she laughs. “It was just that one guy. But sometimes, that’s all the experience you need. I learned a pretty big lesson from that one. It seemed so complicated when I was younger. Chasing guys. Dating. Relationships. Picking. Then getting entirely too much during that first week of college… it wasn’t for me. I… I think I know what I want now. Alex…”

You realize with a start that she’s staring at you with an intensity that could melt the coldest of hearts, but here you are, too far gone already, staring back at her, lost, lost, totally lost in those eyes of hers.

“Mars…” you say back, and somehow, without quite knowing how, the two of you have brushed fingertips. You feel the tremble in her hands, how they’re burning hot and clammy at the same time. You feel like yours must be the exact same way.

“Alex, I…”

“Mars, I…”

“I’ve got feelings for you Mars, serious feelings, but—”

“I really like you Alex, really, and—”

The two of you stare at each other, silenced by one another’s words. You don’t quite believe it. Your heart pounding faster, somehow, despite everything. It’s been said, and she said almost the same thing and… oh, now you’re leaning into her and she’s mirroring you, and now your lips have met. And you may have kissed before, but not like this. Never like this. There’s just too much passion, too much emotion, too much pent-up frustration and confusion and anger and desire and want and maybe something deeper churning in there. You hold her tight. You feel her hands like claws, desperately gripping you. You feel like you need her as an anchor, even as you lose yourself in her. You kiss, your lips melding, and in that moment, you feel a burning in your heart that screams for more. But then you break for air.

“Mars, that was amazing,” you say, tucking a loose strand of her hair back in place.

“Alex, I know, and you said…” she laughs, breathless.

“It’s like we’re back in middle school,” you laugh, and she does too, both of you falling into a strange giggling fit.

“Alex, you said it,” she says, this time straightening out her expression. “There was a ‘But’ there. I heard it. Tell me.”

Fuck.

“Mars, I…”

Fuck fuck fuck.

“Just go with the flow. Say it,” she says, and you see the hope there in her eyes, and the pain in your chest ratchets tighter.

Fuck.

“Mars, I’m sorry, but I’m not ready. I need more time,” you say.

Immediately, you see the hurt in her eyes. The confusion. The hammer blow that you just dealt.

You want to take that back. But you can’t. Because it’s not who you are, not right now.

“Why?” she asks. It’s all she can manage in the moment.

“I’m too entangled with too many people,” you say, trying to find the words that convey what you’re feeling right now. “It’s… I like you. I really do. That’s why we’re here. But…”

“There’s competition,” Mars laughs, though it sounds a bit **** this time.

“Yeah,” you mutter. “I need to work things out. Figure out myself, figure out who I want to be with. So it’s kinda like how you needed your dates to figure which guy you wanted to be with…”

Mars makes a face, but she nods.

“Choice can be too much of a good thing,” she says.

“I don’t need much more time. A few weeks,” you say. “I know it sounds like a long time—”

“It’s not,” Mars says. “I would have told my past self to wait longer too.”

You gulp, nodding, amazed that she understands, feeling unbelievably lucky in this moment. For much as you might hate to admit it, it was a selfish ask.

“Thank you,” you say, taking her hand in yours.

She smiles, gripping your hand tightly back.

“Burn night. Tell me your answer the morning after. That should be enough time,” she says.

You nod. That’s fair.

“Yes,” you say. “You’ll have your answer then.”

Something in her seems to give out then. She slumps back, her eyes moist, and you, gingerly, shift next to her in the driver’s place, holding her tight. She clutches your arm, and then leans against you, tears slowly dripping one at a time. You wipe the corners of her eyes, giving her a tight smile.

“So stupid,” she eventually laughs.

“What, me?” you say. “Yeah, I mean… I wish I weren’t so dumb, but…”

“No, the movie’s still playing,” she says, and you realize with a start that she’s right. You’d totally forgotten about the film. “And here I thought we would go further tonight. I’m sniffling here instead. I am such an idiot.”

“How does that make you the idiot?” you say, **** out a laugh.

“Because I thought we’d do it in the backseat of this car. Could you imagine? Our first time, in a car? I would never forgive myself. But I was so ready for it when I was getting ready this evening.” She laughs, and you can’t help but laugh too.

“I mean, I would have been pretty pumped up for it too,” you say. “But this is nice too. I like having you in my arms.”

“I like the way you hold me,” Mars says, looking up into your eyes. “It’s nice. It… it feels safe.”

“Then I guess this is just how I’ll have to spend the rest of the night,” you say.

“Oh, what a terrible fate,” she says. Then, she whispers, her eyes growing just the faintest bit moist again: “I like you, Alex. Don’t make me regret that.”

“I like you too, Mars,” you say. “And when this is all over, no matter the outcome, I still will. It’s just a matter of the ways in which I do. Can you live with that?”

She nods. Then, she leans closer into you, snuggling into your chest, and she closes her eyes, just listening to the noises of the night and the movie soundtrack in the distance. You watch her, holding her close to you, feeling the glowy wash of lights seep in through the windshield.

If only it could be easy. You like Mars. You really do. It’s your fault that you’re in this mess. Now it’s up to you to make it right. And that means being true to yourself, and true to her. This is the long ride.

Mars +10