The English Vacation

“Your days of magical malaise and terrifying tricks are over, Lady Lavania!” Annie pointed her finger at the stage while I rolled my eyes.

“Annie, we aren´t superheroes, just tell her she is under arrest.”

I fixed my gaze on the other side of the gaudy stage. Its pink colors and spotlights really didn´t fit with the quaint English town we were in. The wooden monstrosity occupied the street from the start of a townhouse to a half-built bakery shop.

It´s a wonder our target got the permits to even build this thing. Then again, she probably didn´t, being a criminal and all.

Lady Lavania flashed her pearly whites at us. It was the first time we met face-to-face, and she didn´t disappoint. Her copper skin was flawless, just as it was in her photos; her silky hair flowed like a cape in the wind, and her sparkling leotard was impeccable.

“Oops,” Lavania winked her emerald eyes. “Seems like the fun police are here to ruin the show. Thankfully, I know a couple of tricks to make my hecklers disappear.”

With a flourish, Lavania tapped her hat with the tip of her wand. I nodded at Annie, and we both closed our eyes just as an explosion of light engulfed the stage.

I scoffed, opening my eyes again. Little sparkles still hovered in the air, the dozen or so bystanders gasping at the pretty lights like they were toddlers. An almost invisible cable glinted as it descended upon me from the top of the stage. I pulled, yanking a whole spider-web of those suckers down.

“Nice try,” I said. “But we figured out your tricks. You use a stun grenade to blind your targets and leave them **** to the invisible cables that then hoist them in the air, making it seem like they are flying among these ugly fairies.”

“Yeah, and then you tie them up and steal everything they have on them. You are going down, thief!”

We marched across the stage, Lavania snarling her perfect teeth as she stepped back. Her heel was already at the edge. “Impressive, detectives, but have you found a way to stop my pets?”

Lavania removed her top hat and threw it in the air, letting a legion of small pigeons fly out of the crown to dive straight at us! Once more, I was ready. All it took to bring down the birds was a few well-placed kicks and punches.

The ignorant crowd began booing at me. “It´s not what it looks like!” I turned towards them. “These aren´t real pigeons! They are drones!”

“Yeah, drones, which she uses to pickpocket her audience!” Annie finished the explanation.

“Well, well, detectives, you seem to have studied all my moves... but this one!” Lavania dropped a pellet into the ground, which exploded into a cloud of smoke.

The acrid dust had me coughing as it covered the stage in a grey mantle. Ugh, it even got into my mouth. It tasted like keys, oddly enough.

Still, we studied Lavania´s act so thoroughly that we didn´t need to see where to go. Annie and I turned around and jumped down to the stage.

“Going somewhere?”

“Ack!” Just like we expected, Lavania exited from her little trapdoor at the side of the stage. With me at her right, and Annie at her left, the magician had little choice but to step back, walking into a construction site for the remodeled bakery.

“Your two-bit act is over!” Annie said... probably enjoying this little show a bit too much. Lavania sidestepped a small crane and hopped over a wet cement pool until her back collided with the brick wall.

“Tsk, tsk. Should we add trespassing to your rap list?” I pointed at the “do not enter” sign right next to Lavania, hanging at the perimeter of the construction.

“…But you are trespassing as well!”

“Not for long! Annie, cuff her!”

“On it, Laura!”

“The only thing over is your sorry attempt to apprehend me!” Credit to the crook, her smile never disappeared even as she was cornered. She was truly a show-woman. Lavania reached for her cleavage, her gloved fingers caressing something red… a button? “You might have figured most of my tricks, but did you ever figure out how I make people’s clothes explode?”

I bit my tongue. No, that was the one trick we never could figure out, and something told me I was about to find out how it worked the hard way.

“Hey! What´s the sodding circus doing outside my shop?”

The window of the half-built bakery opened. A pretty redhead woman peeked out. For a second, I thought I saw a smirk flash in her pale lips, but then her pretty freckles burrowed, her gray eyes scowling at us.

“Can´t you read the bloody sign? You can´t enter the construction site!”

“Don´t worry, we´ll be out soon enough, with our clown!” Annie said.

Lavania straightened her back, her lips reaching her ears as she fully took out a remote from her cleavage. At the same time, mechanical rattling began echoing all around her. “More like you will-Ack!”

It seems fate played a trick on our target. Lavania´s eyes went white as they rolled over, her face contorted with pain. Due to what I can only imagine being a mechanical malfunction, the crane had snatched her leotard and pulled it into the air along with the magician.

Luckily for our would-be criminal, her ride was short. The leotard snapped apart. My eyes were drawn to the motion of her dark nipples swaying in the air as she fell down. Seems like our criminal was going commando as well. With such a tight leotard, I couldn’t blame her.

Lavania landed in a puddle of wet cement, grey droplets almost gracing my flawless cheeks as she splashed into the pool. The magician fell on her hands and feet, which were now deep into the cement. The chocolate mounds of her ass crested over her body.

She tried to stand up, but her limbs refused to move. The cement was drying quickly. “Ugh, come on! How can this-Eep!”

I gave her butt a firm slap. “Seems like you are not going to weasel out of this one.”

“That´s why you obey the rules, idiots…” the redhead scoffed. “I´m calling the cops! And the builders, to chisel that naked idiot out, but it´s going to take some time before they get here.”

Lavania looked around her. The crowd was now all around us, staying politely behind the construction line. Their cellphones were raised, her ass the center of their attention, and no doubt the town´s gossip for the following weeks.

The poor magician was shaking in her cement boots, but credit where it´s due, an uneasy smile remained plastered on her face. A show-woman to the last.

“Job´s done,” Annie said, grimacing as she took a gander at the whole platoon of cameras firing at the naked magician. “Although I can´t help but feel a tad bad for her...”

“Don´t be. She pulled worse stunts on her victims in the French countryside. If anything, we are lucky to have caught her so early into her English tour.”

“A bit too early, huh? We had the hotel rented for the whole week. I guess our deposit is going to be gone when we return home tomorrow.”

I snarled. I´m not exactly hurting for cash, but cancellation fees always sting… as does the exorbitant sum the airlines charge for changing flights.

“You know what? No. We deserve an earlier vacation for a job well done. We´ll stay in town a bit longer.”

“Oh joy, the idiots will remain…” the redhead said, stepping out of what I presume was her shop. “...I mean, our town is quite serene, so please try to behave and not cause any further ruckus. We don´t need any more troublemakers.”

“We aren´t troublemakers! We are private detec-“

“Ignore her, Annie. Let´s go finish unpacking.” I tried to turn around and leave that snobbish redhead, but...

My feet didn´t move, nor did Annie´s. Lavania wasn´t the only one who stepped into the cement pool. With a shared sigh, we both stepped out of our shoes and began making our way over the hard street back to our hotel.

“Right, smarter than Holmes you lot are.” The redhead said behind my back.

“N-next time,” Annie said. “Maybe we should pay more attention to the signs.”