The Case of the Competent Kisser

The coffee machine gave a long, irritated wheeze before surrendering another cup of passable caffeine.

Mid-morning light filled the breakroom, warm and steady. Through the glass wall, the office floor moved in a quiet rhythm: muted conversations, phones chiming, keyboards clattering with purpose. Work was going well. Deadlines were being met. The world, for the moment, felt orderly.

Angie stood closest to the machine, red ponytail high and slightly messy, tapping her fingers against her paper cup as though the suspense might improve the brew.

"I'm just saying," she began, already grinning, "it did not look casual."

Tammy perked up instantly. "Nothing about Roy looks casual. He's, like, Mister Awkward!"

Angie turned, scandalized. "Tammy!"

"What? It's true!"

Fatima stood a little apart from them, leaning lightly against the counter with a porcelain mug she'd brought from home. The mug looked delicate, hand-painted. Everything about her felt deliberate: the smooth fall of her dark hair down her back, the clean lines of her blouse, the quiet composure in her posture.

"Context would help," Fatima said mildly.

Angie lowered her voice automatically, though no one else was in the room. "Okay. So. This morning. Parking lot. I'm walking in, and Roy's car pulls up. And this girl gets out of the passenger side."

Tammy leaned forward. "One of The Three."

"Obviously one of The Three," Angie said, as if that were common knowledge. "And they're talking for a second, and then she just..." Angie made an emphatic kissing motion with her free hand. "...full on kissed him."

Fatima's brow lifted. "In the parking lot?"

"In the parking lot," Angie confirmed. "Not a peck. Not polite. It had heat."

Tammy slapped the counter softly, her short blonde hair flipping back and forth as she laughed. "Heat! Our Roy?"

"Our Roy," Angie said, nodding earnestly. "And he said her name when we walked in. Zara. He was like, 'She works nearby.' And he said she's nice."

Fatima's lips curved faintly. "Very detailed."

"That's more than he ever says!" Angie protested. "He never talks about them. All we know is that there's three of them. Well, all we knew. Now we have a name."

Tammy nodded. "Zara."

Fatima stirred her tea once. "So this Zara works nearby. Is nice. And kisses with enthusiasm."

"And she's cute," Angie added quickly. "Short. Glasses. Short black hair. Curvy but, like, soft. Not intimidating. She looked kind of sweet."

Tammy squinted. "So what kind of woman falls for Roy?"

That was the real question.

Angie lit up. "Okay, yes. That's what I've been thinking about."

Fatima crossed one ankle over the other, expression amused but reserved. "Go on."

"She didn't look flashy," Angie said. "More, I don't know, cozy? Like she probably reads a lot. Maybe works in something quiet. Accounting? Librarian vibes. But also clearly not shy if she's kissing him like that."

Tammy giggled. "Secretly feral librarian. I think I saw that on Pornhub."

Angie dissolved into laughter. "Stop."

Fatima's smile deepened, but her voice remained composed. "Roy does project stability. That could be appealing to quite a few women."

Tammy blinked. "That is the least sexy phrasing I've ever heard."

"It is not meant to be sexy," Fatima replied calmly. "It is meant to be accurate. I find him to be quite reliable."

Angie hugged her cup. "Yeah, he's certainly safe."

Tammy tilted her head. "Safe doesn't usually equal three girlfriends."

Fatima's gaze sharpened slightly. "Safety is attractive when it is genuine. Especially to women who are tired of games."

Tammy considered that. "Okay. That tracks."

Angie nodded vigorously. "He's patient. And he listens. And he doesn't mansplain. And he never makes you feel stupid."

Fatima inclined her head. "He is consistent. Reliability is underrated."

Tammy looked between them. "You two make him sound like some kind of emotional support husband. Are you secretly crushing on him?"

Angie's cheeks pinked. "Tammy! He's my dad's age!"

"That didn't answer the question," Tammy teased.

Angie sputtered. "I am not! I just mean... objectively... I can see why someone would like him."

Fatima observed her over the rim of her mug. "Objectively."

Angie groaned. "You guys are the worst."

Tammy tapped her chin. "Okay but picture this. Woman number two. What's her vibe?"

"We don't know anything about the other two," Angie said.

"Exactly," Tammy said. "I bet he has a type. Guys always do. I bet they're all Zaras. Short, curvy, a little nerdy. He probably meets them at, like, book signings or whatever."

Angie burst out laughing. Even Fatima, normally so controlled, let out a giggle. None of them meant anything by it, not in a mean-spirited way. Almost everyone liked Roy, but he was a man of contradictions. It was difficult to reconcile him, the easy-going, patient middle-aged manager with the man who was dating The Three. He just didn't come off as that kind of guy!

Angie dropped her voice to a whisper. "Do you think he's a good kisser?"

There was a beat of silence.

Then Tammy cackled.

Fatima smiled, but didn't laugh. She did, however, set her mug down with deliberate care before answering.

"Given the evidence you've provided," she said smoothly, "it would appear he is more than competent."

Angie stared at her. "Competent?"

"More than competent."

Tammy wiped at her eyes. "You're killing me."

Angie groaned. "I shouldn't have said anything."

Tammy poked her arm. "You totally have a tiny crush."

"Shut up!"

"You absolutely do."

"I just appreciate him. You know, as a coworker!"

Fatima interjected gently, though her expression was amused. "Appreciation can take many forms. Acting on it would be inappropriate. Might I remind you that he's taken."

"And weird," Angie added quickly. "Again. My dad's age."

Tammy waved a hand. "Relax. No one's staging a coup for the potbelly."

Angie blinked. "Oh my God."

Fatima's lips curved. "It is a rather endearing potbelly."

"Fatima!" Angie hissed.

"What?" Fatima asked, serene. "I am allowed to like what I like."

Tammy leaned back against the counter. "So conclusion: Roy attracts sweet, secretly passionate women who are into the most boring trait possible: stability."

Angie buried her face in her hands again.

Footsteps passed the doorway. Tom's reflection slid briefly across the glass.

Angie stiffened immediately. "Ugh."

Fatima's posture sharpened. "Has he bothered you again?"

"He just stares," Angie muttered. "Like I'm a piece of meat."

Tammy rolled her eyes. "Yeah. He does that."

"That is unacceptable," Fatima said, her voice cool now. "If he crosses a line..."

"I'll tell someone," Angie said quickly. "I just avoid him."

Tammy shrugged. "At least he's a good-looking creep."

Fatima turned to her slowly. "Looks have nothing to do with it."

"I’m just saying," Tammy replied. "If you're going to be creepy, at least don't also be unfortunate to look at."

Angie made a face. "There. Right there. That's the thing: Roy would never make someone feel like that."

Fatima's expression softened again. "No. He would not."

The three of them fell quiet for a moment, the hum of the office filling the space between them.

Tammy lifted her cup. "To Roy. Mysterious romantic overachiever."

Angie clinked hers against Tammy's. "May he keep all his girlfriends straight."

Fatima lifted her mug last, eyes thoughtful. "And may he find women who can appreciate him for who he is."

Outside the breakroom, their steady, potbellied department head walked past with a stack of reports, entirely unaware that mid-morning productivity had briefly given way to romantic analysis.