The Ballad of Guy Gardner

Derinoe hissed between cracked teeth as she entered the dark entry way into the mausoleum, the path dark, save for the lights of torches leading deeper into the mountain. Tracing her greasy white hair out of her eyes, the woman looked around, seeing the plinths and monuments of former queens, champions and wonder women who had lived, ruled, and died in the service of the amazons. Bowing her head, the elderly looking hag grabbed hold of a torch to help light her way deeper into the tomb to the temple of the oracles. Her generals ordered her to seek them out for answers, for wisdom on how to remove the men from their home.

Passing through the archway of the temple, her foot bumped into something, looking down with torch in hand, she found… Sheets? Kicking the fabric aside and crouching to look at it better, the woman wondered where all the fabric came from until she spotted the crest of the royal guard when she pulled enough of the fabric up to make out the image of an eagle. They were not sheets!

“The missing sails from our ships?”

Looking around the entryway she also spotted the missing rudders. Why where they HERE in the temple of the oracles? Then the woman heard laughter deeper into the temple and steeled herself to go deeper to find answers. Heading into the grand chamber where the oracles would seek wisdom and insight from the gods, Derinoe hid behind the archway, finding the three oracles… Laughing together, sitting on the floor while drinking wine offered from the queen’s winery.

“Tell us another story Boston.”

“Yes! Do you have another of this… Superman?”

“Indeed, the more I hear of him, the more I wish to meet him.”

Narrowing her eyes in confusion, Derinoe had no idea what was going on, just WHO were they speaking to?”

Unseen by the spying amazon, Boston Brand hovered overhead like he was floating on a cushion with his arms folded behind his head.

“Well ladies, let me tell you about the ballad of Guy Gardner.” Explained Deadman in his thick Brooklyn accent. “You see, the League has a history of havin Green Lanterns corps joinin up every now and then. And one year, they’z got this one Green Lantern named Guy Gardner join up. These corps use these special rings that let’em make or do anything they want so long as they’z got the willpower to do it… So automatically, he’s an asshole.”

“Ugh… He sounds disappointing already.” Groused Coliope, sipping from her wine goblet.

“Yeah, the rest of the League weren’t impressed either.” Shrugged Boston as he continued. “So, one day, the hall gets a new janitor and he’s wearing Bat’s spare cape and cowl. Guy says during the meetin that since Batman is just a normal mook, ANYONE can wear his duds and they’d be no lesser for it.”

“Oh my.” Blushed Castalia, knowing where this was going.

“Heh… Yup. Anyone who’s been there long enough knows not to pull on the Bat’s ears. So, he gets up, and challenges Guy to a fight in the boxing ring over in the gym, and to bring his shiny green ring with’um.”

Giving a few seconds of dramatic pause to bait their interest, Boston waited for the trio to lean in to hear how it went.

“Now, the FUNNY thing about these Green Lanterns is they don’t have too many weaknesses except they can’t effect the colour yellow… DON’T aske me how, I dunno the reasons for it. Once you get out into space its like a game of rock paper scissors with a hand grenade or something. So everyone shows up at the gym with a big crowd and Guy is there blowin kisses to the ladies while he’s standing up there like the world’s biggest green coloured rooster.”

Pretending to take a deep breath, Boston continued. “And then Batman shows up.”

“Oh my.” Callisto giggled, sipping her drink with a smirk.

“Slamming the double doors wide open, Batman walks in completely covered in yellow paint! Let that picture sink in ladies; the biggest, meanest, scariest hero we’z got in the Halls of Justice covered in banana yellow paint from head to toe and inside out his entire costume, even his FACE was painted over.”

Castalia did a spit take, waving her hand over her face as she tried to stifle a laugh. From what she was informed of the Dark Knight, the sight of him so garishly bright coloured was enough she fell over on her back kicking her legs out in laughter.

“So, what happened Boston?”

“What happened? Batman beat the crap out of him, pulled down his pants and shoved that ring right up Guy’s ass. It was beautiful! Everyone cheered and applauded, Zatanna took pictures. We even got one hanging over the lounge and fireplace… In a yellow picture frame.”

The three oracles laughed out loud, eyes squinting with laughter as they tried not to spill their drinks while Boston overhead shrugged his shoulders with a smirk.

“Yeah, it was pretty sweet.”

“So, tell us then Boston, when should we return the sails of our Queen’s ships?”

“Indeed! You’ve had us commit sedition against our queen, it had better be for a valiant purpose other than to drive us all mad.”

With his arms out and spinning upside down in midair, Boston made a smug face the three were unable to see.

“To be fair, its workin like a charm, and having those folks show up has been icing on the cake. You should see them all, dottin over a kid like a bunch of grandmas and getting turned into supermodels for their troubles.” His face looking more serious, so too did his tone. “Diana told us all once that all yous were like angels, that you carved out yer own personal heaven and were the agents of peace and love… And the first act of love your higher ups did was break the nose of some guy just tryin to say hello.”

Looking down at her goblet and letting the wine swirl, Castalia looked away, shame written on her leathered features. “We must all be hideous in your eyes.”

“Pfff… You should see ME! I’m not the looker I used to be, haven’t seen my REAL reflection in years.” Chuckled Boston, sitting cross-legged up in the air with his arms crossed, looking down with a wistful look on his gaunt face. “Sometimes if you wanna good crop, you gotta sort the bad apples from the good, and the best way to do that is to see who cares and who doesn’t.”

“Well, hopefully your little plan changes our sisters for the better Boston Brand, and… And HORRIFYING as it has been **** to know you, I am pleased to have known…”

“BETRAYAL!”

Turning their attention to the door where the three spotted the elderly looking Derinoe point a crooked finger their direction, the oracles gasped.

“It was YOU who has done this! You have been conspiring with the DEMON who cursed us to this affliction! The generals must be warned!”

Seeing the woman run out of the temple, the oracles were beside themselves with shock and horror. Lowering to the ground on his own two feet, Boston groused and looked to the three amazons.

“A room full of fortune tellers and not ONE of you could have seen that coming?!”

“If she tells the Queen’s generals about this, we shall be banished! And the men on our island will be executed!”

“She must be stopped!”

Cricking his neck and stretching his arms over his head, Boston grinned. “Relax ladies, this is going to be fun.”