Thanksgiving Break

What was I thankful for? A sandy beach under my feet, pleasant sun, and a watered-down alcoholic drink in hand. I was relaxing in paradise. The resort offered countless amenities and distractions to take my mind off things. Yet no matter how I **** myself to be happy, I couldn’t fill the hole inside me. Despite the pleasant environment around me, my head was throbbing and my stomach was sour. Food that was supposed to be delicious was bland.

I was withdrawn, or something like it. I would call it post-friendship depression, but I wasn’t sure Emma was ever really my friend. I knew it was all temporary. In a few weeks, maybe a month, I’d be back to normal. It was living through those weeks that was hell. She had treated me like shit, and yet I still caught myself making excuses for her. Pathetic.

Cold water hit my exposed chest, causing me to flounder in my beach chair. I nearly screamed, my surprise turning to anger as I recognized the laughter.

“Asshole,” I grumbled, wiping away the water as I shot daggers at my older brother.

“What? You’re going to burn if you just sit there.” James was two years older, and what a difference two years made. Once upon a time, he had been like me. Too thin for his height and a face that screamed nerd. Seeing him now, you would never believe that. Since going off to college, he’d taken some sort of Captain America super-soldier serum. He was still tall, but now he was built and had a confident swagger that made you believe he had been born like that. And that muscle didn’t detract at all from that sharp mind of his. A perfect trifecta of brains, brawn, and a pretty face, it was infuriating to know we were related—especially now that I finally got around to meeting his girlfriend, Lilian. The light-brown beauty was everything Emma was not. The only thing the two shared was a shapely hourglass figure and their long black hair. Where Emma’s strengths resided in her petite frame, Lilian was anything but. She had a model's body, long legs, a toned stomach, and a movie star’s smile. And her rack. Oh man. Having to watch her lounge around in a bikini all day was **** on par with Emma. They were perfect. Big, but not overly so. Maybe in the future they would sag a bit, but right now there were firm and round and—

I really needed to stop about my brother’s girlfriend’s tits. It was probably more Emma fallout and I was just rebounding. Not that we were actually dating in the first place.

Man, I was a mess.

“Come on,” James said, pulling up a nearby chair so he could sit by me. Before he did, he grabbed one of the umbrellas and set it up so we would have shade. “You’ve been moodier than usual this whole trip. What? Puberty finally hit?”

“Fuck off.”

“Ooo. I’ll tell Mom what kind of language you’re using.” I glared at him as he poked at my arm. Grinning, he poked me again. And again.

Fucking Christ. Best day of my life was when he went off to college.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

He nodded slowly. “So girl trouble then.” I was shocked. A mistake, because he instantly latched on. “Shit, really?”

“No. Well, yes. Kinda. Doesn’t matter,” I mumbled. “It’s over now.”

“Aww. My little guy got his heart broke.” He smashed his hand into his palm. “Let me at her. I’ll break her.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes. “Like I said, you wouldn’t understand.”

“This that Emma chick Mom has been talking about?” I sighed. No matter how many times I tried telling her it wasn’t like that, she seemed convinced otherwise. Or maybe just wishful thinking on her part. “What happened?” I gave him a look. “Come on. Venting will make you feel better. It does me.”

“Oh, because you’ve had so many women troubles.” I made it a point to look down at the beach where Lilian was lounging around with our mom. They were currently sipping drinks, having a lively conversation.

He chuckled. “Yeah… I mean, I did.” He gave a distant look. “Now, they are troubles of another sort.” He shook his head. “Come on. What happened?”

I thought for a moment. “She was… intense. Too intense.”

That got a raise in James’s eyebrow. “So she was a freak in bed?”

“No. We uh… never… uh… it wasn’t like that.”

“Shit. Still a virgin then? That blows.”

“Going to make fun of that too?”

“Nah. I wouldn’t do that to you. So if that wasn’t the case, what was she? A nutcase?

“Something like that.”

“Damn. I bet she was hot too.”

“Oh man. She is. Was.”

James was shaking his head. “Damn shame. I lucked out with Lilian.”

“She seems nice.”

“Saintly.”

“How did you two meet anyway?”

“Ah… A mutual friend.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Why do I feel like there is a story in there?”

He glanced down at the beach to where his girlfriend and Mom were sunning. “You want the real story?” I nodded. “Fine, but if you tell anyone, I will end you.” I crossed my heart. “I tell you this, then you tell me what happened with your girl.”

“She never was my girl.”

He waved that off. “Anyways, we did meet through a mutual friend. We were introduced at a friendly get-together. Hit it off immediately. Like, instant chemistry. Two celestial bodies flying along before,” he smashed his hands together, making an exploding sound. “One moment, we are talking, having a great time drinking beer, the next, I’m pounding her from all sorts of positions.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Fucking gross.”

“Hey, you wanted this story. Anyways, we wake up in the morning, remember that we are both single, and decided we shouldn’t be. We’ve been dating ever since.”

There was a long silence as I stared at him. “Wow. So… scandalous.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t gotten to the kicker. That mutual friend we have?”

I immediately knew where this was going. “No. James…”

“Yeah…”

“For how long?”

“I was sleeping with her for a few months before I started dating Lilian. And… it never really… stopped.”

“Jesus.”

He took a long drink from my glass. I wasn’t too upset considering it was mostly water anyway. His face scrunch suggested he thought as highly of it as I did. “In my defense, it was never supposed to last that long. I mean, this girl is stupendous in bed, but she’s missing a bit up here, you know?” he said, tapping his head. “It was supposed to be a fun fling until I found something better. Turns out, she’s my girlfriend’s best friend in the entire world, and she’s also completely psycho.”

“So, what? She’s threatening you?”

“Something like that. I tried breaking it off with her, but she said she’d tell Lilian what we were doing. I know I should have come clean with her then, but I was terrified. We had just started dating, and I’d never felt this way about someone before. I couldn’t risk losing her. Now… Well, hindsight is a fucking bastard. So… Yeah. I’m two-timing on the love of my life because I’m a coward.”

“Fuck. That’s rough.”

He shrugged. “It’s all my fault. If I wasn’t such a god damn coward then, maybe things would be different. Now I’m **** to walk a razor’s edge knowing that one day, it’s going to come to an end, one way or another.” He took a moment to look over at Lilian, then downed the rest of my drink. “And when it all goes south—which it will—I will deserve every bad thing that happens to me and then some.” To my surprise, he smiled. “Which is why I am enjoying each day I get with her. Selfish, I know, but I really do love her.”

This was surprising. Ever since James got his glorious form, I knew he had been a bit of a manslut. I mean, if girls were throwing themselves at me, I would probably be the same way. I didn’t know he was this serious about Lilian, which made me feel a bit guilty for ogling her so much over the last few days.

“So?” he said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “I told you my hell on earth. Your turn.”

I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. Where to start?

“First off, we were never dating, but I have—had—a crush on her.”

“One way?”

“Yup.”

“Rough.”

“She asked me to help her study. I did. Various things happened and she joined the DnD group.”

“Really?” James was shocked. “Let me guess, she killed Owen and is now serving time?”

I laughed. “No. She dropped him down a peg or two since she joined. He’s still an asshole, but he’s tolerable now.”

“Believe that when I see it,” James muttered. He and Owen never got along when he played with us. Maybe I missed my brother moving out a little. He always had wacky ways of doing things and until Emma had joined, was the voice of the group in roleplay situations. “So what happened? Sounds like things were going great—unrequited feelings aside.”

“She was sending me nudes.”

“Fuck, really? Let me see,” he said, holding out his hand.

“Fuck off. I deleted them.”

“What? Why?”

“Various reasons, but it needed to be done.”

“So let me see if I got this straight. You met a super hot girl. You fall for super hot girl. Super hot girl likes your hobby. Super hot girl sends you nudes. You delete super hot girl’s nudes and… what? Mope around?”

“A lot more complex than that.”

“Well, shit, Isaac. You suck at storytelling.”

“Let me set up a situation for you. Has Lilian sent you any nudes?”

“I’m not showing you them,” he said in a guarded tone.

I waved him off, but couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment at the knowledge that they existed. “I didn’t ask. I’m not you. Anyways, you enjoy them, right?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Okay, what if said nudes had… extra bits to them?”

“Huh?”

“Like, say, Lilian sucking another guy’s cock?”

“Fuck off. She didn’t.”

“Yup. On purpose too. I mean, I’d heard rumors she was a slut, but I didn’t want to believe them.”

James was silent for a moment, then he reached out and grabbed my shoulder, giving it a bit of a shake. “Not going to lie, you probably dodged a bullet. I know it might not seem like it now, but in time…”

“You know what the worst part is?”

“Oh lord, it gets worse?”

I don’t know why I was telling him, but now that all the thoughts and emotions I’d had started spilling out, I couldn’t stop them. “I didn’t even mind it. Even after I knew what she was like, what she was doing, I still liked her. The only reason why I broke things off was because she was rubbing it in my face.”

Lie.

I knew what it was the moment it left my lips. I was blaming her. She was the reason I was like this. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be this pathetic excuse of a man. But in the past few days, the truth had revealed itself to me. I wasn’t angry at her. I was angry at myself.

I had long since reveled in the delicious irony when staunch anti-gay people were discovered to be gay themselves. Now, I understood a bit about how they felt. Fear. Fear that the image they held as the core of their being was a lie. They fought it. Lashed out against it. Hated it, because if they hated it, then it was impossible for them to be a part of it. Even now when the truth stared me in the face, I still refused to accept it.

And the worst happened. Hot tears rushed me as I quickly fought to hide them. Fucking Christ. As if all this wasn’t pathetic enough, I had to god damn cry. Of all the people in the world to show this side to, I hated that it was James. He was the literal poster boy for male masculinity, something I envied beyond words.

I was pathetic. I always had been.

“Shit, sorry,” I said, rubbing at my eyes as I struggled to clear my eyes. “Sand.”

“’I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.’”

I choked laughed. “Fuck you.”

He sat silently, watching the waves crash against the beach as he waited for me to get a hold of myself. I hated how pathetic I was.

“You really like her, don’t you?”

I sniffed, clearing my throat. “Yeah.” There was another silence. “I’m a goddamn pervert.”

James looked over at me. “Nah, man. You’re a fucking dork,” he said with a smile before he flicked me in the forehead. I glared at him as I rubbed my forehead. His smile faded as he grew serious. “Seriously though. You’re fine.”

“Easy for you to say. I mean, look at you.”

A shit-eating grin formed as he flexed. “I am pretty fantastic, right?” I rolled my eyes and noticed that his smile didn’t last long. “But I’m not. I’m a fucking terrible human being, and you should never aspire to be like me.” He looked towards Lilian, blissfully unaware that she was a part of our conversation. “I’m cheating on the girl of my dreams because I’m too afraid to lose her, but I’ve already lost her. All I’m doing is stealing from her. Stealing time that she needs to get over my betrayal. The time to get over me and find someone who would give her the respect she deserves.” His eyes were back on me and I saw a side of my brother I’d never seen before. Pain. Vulnerability.

But that was impossible. My brother was everything I aspired to be. He was confident, attractive, and smart enough to hold his own. All he needed to do was stand there and be… him… and the women flocked to him. He had friends. Lots of them. He went to parties, had fun…

He was everything I wasn’t.

“I want you to know, I’m with you a hundred percent. Well, ninety-nine point nine. Don’t call me in the middle of the night asking for help hiding a body. You are on your own for that one.” I shook my head, managing a smile. “So I don’t want you freaking out because you have a weird kink.”

“I jacked off to my crush sucking another guy’s cock.”

It rolled over James like an ocean wave over a sea shell. “Like I said, weird kink, but there are over seven billion people on the planet. I guarantee you aren’t the only one who likes that. You’re eighteen. You haven’t even dipped your toe into the big people pool yet. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re still figuring shit out.”

“Okay, Sensei.”

“Listen you little shit. I’m trying to drop some wisdom for you. I’ll even give you an example. When I was your age, I loved threesomes. If you looked through my porn history, pretty much all you’d see. I mean, if sex with one woman is great, sex with two would be even better, right?”

“Right.”

“Wrong. I had a few, and they are okay, but I realized that I liked the fantasy more than the experience. Wouldn’t turn one down, but I’m not going to push for one either. If you told my old self that I would grow ambivalent to the possibility of a threesome, I’d have thought you were crazy.”

“And how does that help me?”

“All I’m saying is you are young, and that allows you a certain degree of stupidity. Everyone is told that a stove is hot, but you don’t understand that until you go and fucking touch the thing. I am absolutely not telling you to go full YOLO and fuck up your life, because you absolutely can.” He took a deep breath before ruffling his hair with a hand. “Damn it, what I guess I’m trying to say is, you don’t know what you don’t like until you actually try something. Same for liking it. You explored something new and got frightened by it. I get that. Been there. But it sounds to me like you didn’t touch the stove to see if it was hot or not.”

“So I should have continued with Emma?”

“Okay, so I’m coming to a realization that I suck at this,” James said, rubbing his jaw. “All I’m saying is you be you. If that is what you like, don’t worry about what other people think. They aren’t the ones living your life, you are. And if you try it and decide that it isn’t for you, well, you got burned, but burns heal and now you know not to touch the stove. All I suggest is that you try what you want to try before your life decisions have consequences you can’t afford to live with,” he said, once more looking towards Lilian.

I mulled over what he said. I… think I understood. He was right though, he really sucked at this. That was okay because he was supposed to become an aerospace engineer, not a life coach.

“I think I understand.”

He let out a relieved breath. “Good, because I don’t think I could repeat half of what I told you.”

I chuckled but sobered quickly. “Really sorry to hear about you and Lilian.”

“Yeah…” he said wistfully. Squeezing my shoulder, he stood up. I watched as he stretched, envious eyes wishing that could be me. Rock hard pecs, washboard abs, and strong jawline? He was wrong when he told me not to look up to him. Watching him stroll down towards the girls, I looked around. Women’s eyes gravitated towards him. Some were just a quick peek, an acknowledgment of his existence. Others were open lust. I understood that he had troubles, and it sounded terrible, but he had forgotten how bad it was to be overlooked. Invisible.

Pathetic.

Seeing that, I couldn’t help but wonder how things with Emma would have turned out if I had a body like his. Would it be my cock she was sucking, sending it to some pathetic loser to drool over? Maybe he had a point. He had his own problems to face. In that same imagined scenario, Emma might have been sucking me off, but I doubted I would be any closer to her returning my feelings. I think that was one of the points he was trying to get across. Someone who looked like they had it all might actually be in a bigger mess than you could ever imagine. But at the same time, he failed to understand my position in it all.

After all, if the result was going to be the same no matter what side of the coin landed, I’d rather be doing the fucking than the one being fucked.