Talking back from the edge

Molly woke up in the morning and thought about trying to surprise wake Paul up with a treat, but rolling over she could see him on his side almost curled up and tense. While she would have preferred to sneak over his morning wood, she was worried he’d wake with knots in his muscles, so she gently reached out to touch his shoulder.

Paul woke with a startle feeling like someone he was hiding from finally caught him only to realize he was safely in his bed. Looking over his shoulder behind him, he could see his wife was looking at him with concern. “Oh, hey, morning, hun.”

“Morning, babe,” Molly replied with concern. “You okay? You look tense.”

“Ya, uh, think it may have just been a bad dream.” Paul continued to try to dance around wild thoughts in his head turning back to face away from her as the nightmares quickly faded from his memory. “Just a rough night I guess.”

Molly contemplated what to do for him but could tell he wasn’t going to open up soon. Rather than getting them frustrated, she figured she’d let him work it out through the day and press him tonight if needed. She could at least use the weekend to smooth things over if it ended up in a fight. “I better head into work. Don’t worry about breakfast; I’ll just grab something at work,” she said sliding out of bed.

“K,” Paul said from melancholy in the bed.

Molly quickly got ready tossing on a sundress and heels. Coming by his side of the bed to say good-bye with a kiss, she thought she saw him flinch a bit, but discounted it as him being tense & kissed him quickly as she headed out. “Love you, babe!”

Paul opened his eyes just in time to see his wife step towards him in her short, flowered summer dress. He couldn’t stop his brain before it began correlating it to the dress he wore yesterday as the episodes quickly ran through his head. Trying to close the memory out of his brain he only realized she was leaving as the front door was opening and he shouted, “love ya, hun.”

Finally admitting he was wallowing in self-pity he got up and determined he’d get work done as he wanted and deal with Bill when time came up. This was all silly and he needed to just stop it where it was. Putting on a Polo shirt and khaki shorts he sat at his computer and knocked out backlog after backlog before an alarm went off reminding him of the time. Working until the last possible moment, Paul saved his work, fixing his audio & turning the camera around to face his desk chair and waited for Bill to join the meeting.

Bill was surprised to see Paul’s face so close to the camera used to the overhead shot he normally had, it took him a moment to register he was sitting and in a polo shirt, let alone with the wig or make-up. “Hey, Paul,” Bill greeted with an obvious question in his tone.

“Hey, Bill.”

“Everything alright? Work get in the way or we need to reschedule?”

“Something like that,” Paul replied with a heavy sigh. “I think I’m done. This was kind of a silly thing to be doing and I’ve done enough.”

This was really a different tone from the last thing Bill remembered of yesterday and there had to be something else going on there. “So, try something for a month and a half. And just give up cause why? Or you think you’re done and just gonna half ass it again?” The truth giving up was hitting Paul hard, but he knew Bill wouldn’t understand. “You were doing fine, but still had room to improve. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to the level you wanted, and you still have time; we can do a lot in a month.”

Paul admitted what decision he had come to before he even told Molly, “no, I’m done with that. We’re just going to do something more traditional for Halloween. Maybe I’ll the lord and she’ll be the outlaw. I dunno.”

“I can’t imagine Molly took that well; she seemed really hyped about this.” Bill could see Paul averting his eyes at that comment. “Fuck. Paul, you haven’t talked to her about yet have you?”

“Well, no...”

“Fuck, Paul, you can’t just break your promise to her already and not fucking talk to her about it. Its not like some fucking scene where you’re changing things up, she’s been boasting about this party for weeks and getting people hyped about it. Hell, she was wanting to do this as some fun shit and you’re the one that wanted to put all the pre-work into. She would have been fine with whatever effort probably. God help, she loves you for whatever reason and accepts your short comings and half-assery. I thought for sure you were finally going to grow up and actually surpass expectations for her. But no, here you go finding yet some other way to fall even below the low bar of expectations put out there and fucking give up completely.”

As Bill rambled on, Paul couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about letting Molly down. She’s always managed to think well of him or make some excuse as to why he’s a good guy, and excuse how he passes by on bare minimum on so much. “It's not that it/s...”

“It’s what, Paul?? You’re not screwing up her plans with only a few weeks left? You're not nullifying everything I’ve been putting in to help you? You're not throwing out the work you’ve already done?? Discarding what the ladies at the salon have done for you? What the fuck is it, Paul???”

“Look, I just can’t do this....”

“FUCK ‘can’t’ Paul!! What is it you *won’t* do??”

“These clothes, this stuff, I just. It's all stupid and silly to ever think it would work. I’m ludicris and it won’t work. I’ll look a fool, I just...”

“Paul, fucking stop that!” Bill loudly interjected as Paul jumped abruptly in his seat. “You gotta be fucking kidding me. Ya, you aren’t going to win a beauty pageant and I’ve been pointing out things to improve, but your legs & walk are looking better than 95% of the women out there.”

Paul was actually surprised to hear Bill complement like that and was a little shocked that it seemed to feel good coming from him.

Bill could tell this was at least hitting home for Paul, “have I been critical of things and harping on points to improve? Fuck of course! I’m fucking trainer, Paul. My job is to point out how people can improve. Hell except for your voice & makeup, you’d probably have a lot of guys trying to pick you up as is. But I doubt you want to walk around mute with a bag on your head at the party.”

The idea of guys picking him up or unable to talk was making Paul really unease.

Bill could pick up on the change in Paul’s demeaner. “Is that the problem? Afraid of not looking good enough?”

The idea of looking good or not wasn’t what was going through Paul’s mind at the moment as memories from last night and the screen before him was causing flashback’s he didn’t want; Paul shook his head violently partially to answer and partially to get the visions out of his head.

“Worried about guys trying to pick you up?”

Paul’s brain was latching that onto falling on his knees as part of what he’d expect a date to do for him if she were dressed sexy. A scenario of guy after guy picking him up and him falling to his knees unable to control himself with the gadget going nuts in his pants was drawing up nightmares, he hadn’t consciously recorded.

“Ok, it's not like you’d have to do anything with them. It’s at your home and I promise anyone there wouldn’t let a guy do something stupid even if you were looking hot.”

‘Trainer Bill thinks I look hot?’ somehow jumped in his mind and caused a smile for a moment before he realized how stupid it was to latch onto that among everything. “I appreciate that, Bill, but after yesterday I just can’ keep...” Paul didn’t mean to let it slip out and didn’t want to go down that road.

“What happened yesterday, Paul? It seemed like everything was fine. Did someone come by or something?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Then what was it, Paul? What went wrong? If you’re going to invalidate weeks of my work, you at least owe being honest with me.”

“It... the gadget.”

Bill stared at him for several moments as Paul seemed to just sit there staring at nothing. “What happened with the gadget? Did you break it? Ya, I’d be pissed, but it can be fucking replaced. What happened to it?”

“It.... I was just looking through the app.... the menu options.... and.... it.... got out of... control.” Paul managed to eek out as a tear dropped down his face.

Bill could tell something was wrong. Did it malfunction and damage him? He was sure if he ended up at the hospital, Molly would have called. Did he try to hide some injury even from Molly because misplaced pride?? “What? Paul, what’d it do?”

“There was... the..... High Bar.” Paul finally admitted with a whimper.

“Wait? The High Bar routine?? You turned tested that and scared you? That’s not one to use getting used to or just notifications. Hell, I’ve only used it after months of being with a girl when I want to really surprise her at the end of a session. I wouldn’t expect to use that on you. Don’t let feeling that a bit scare you away from this.”

“It wasn’t a bit.....”

Where the hell was he going with this, “Paul, what happened?”

“I had tested out a couple of settings and I saw that one, but it didn’t seem to have any indicators, so I activated to see what it did, but...” Paul took a deep breath, “whatever it was doing, I dropped the phone and fell to the floor.”

Bill knew it was intense, but this seems **** even for Paul, but he seemed to be trying to get things off his chest.

“And... I don’t remember exactly what it was doing....” Paul couldn’t even express words so just gestured below the desk, “doing down there.... I couldn’t stop it....”

Bill wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed, fascinated, or perplexed by what he was saying. Remembering the app had a central log, he pulled out his phone to look.

“And it kept going and my head... it... brain had things and stuff... and you & Molly... and.... “

“20 Minutes?!?” Bill suddenly blurted out.

“What?” Paul said with reddened, watery eyes.

“The app says you ran that routine for 20 minutes straight.”

“I have no idea, I’m not entirely sure what happened or nearly how long.”

“Wait, are you saying it pushed you to …. finish?”

Paul’s face and blushed all the way to the top of his bald head as he looked down trying to head from gaze. “ya”

Bill burst into a laughter before he caught himself and felt like a dick when Paul shot him daggers trying to communicate the pain.

They sat there for several minutes. Bill considered stepping away from the absurdity, but he just couldn’t let someone quit over a stupid mistake. “Paul, I’m sorry for laughing, but I need you to step back for a second and look at it from a slightly different perspective.” Bill tried to take a reasoning approach to relate to Paul’s analytical side. “Recognize that your body basically did something beyond your control by forces that you couldn’t stop. That can be a trauma that a psychologist well above my paygrade would have to help you unpack and you should probably talk to someone understanding. However, not to put a blunt point to this,” Bill continued with ripping the band-aid off, “you’re talking about stopping a freight train its tracks, disappointing your wife, embarrassing her in front of her friends, wasting hours of work done by the ladies at the salon, nullifying weeks of work by me & frankly hard work by yourself, tossing money for equipment out the window, and potentially missing out an experience some people literally dream of; why?” Bill took a deep breath to try not to laugh during the delivery of the punch line, “because you were fiddling with a techy sex toy you didn’t fully understand and **** your own orgasm.”

Paul nervously chuckled a bit at that until he remembered what through his head during it and felt darkness coming back, “but my head...”

“What? You mean the visions your brain tried to come up with to deal with a physically euphoric and/or traumatic experience?? That routine is supposed to be like 10, 15 seconds, maybe 30 seconds max. Your body was enduring it for 40 times that.” Bill could tell this seemed to be softening things a bit. “I would think you of all people being in the kink family for so long would know the brain has the ability of going to dark and strange places. I don’t know what kinky or deviant places your mind went, but I think it's safe to say that they’re just your mental processes going off. Heck, they may be kinks to explore at some point in time or they may just be weird meanderings of your brain. It's like a fucking dream; your brain pieces things together from the world around it as it tries to process things.”

“Maybe...” Paul said as he sniffled a bit.

“Look, let's lay off the Gadget for a bit. It’s a nice tool, but we have other things we can use. Let's not do anything hasty. You still have 4 more weeks to improve this. If you really feel uncomfortable with it in a week or two still, you can talk to Molly about alternatives, and I can help with that.”

“I guess so.”

Bill chuckled a good bit again rubbing Paul a bit wrong, “so glad I can amuse you.”

“Come on, you do have to admit the irony of it all. A computer programmer that Dom's his wife is arrogantly messing with a sex toy and forces his own orgasm in a dress. At the end of the day, you caused yourself to enjoy your own body while getting ready a successful target for your wife, and you’re fucking pissed off about it.”

Paul could kind of see the humor in it, but only nervously chuckled at him trying to come to the realization he brought it on himself.

Bill could sense some of the tension breaking, but there was still **** from Paul. “One thing to keep in mind is that you told her you’d dress in this ‘sexy’ costume, and you want to be passable. We’ve been working to make you more comfortable in the clothes to be successful. But honestly, it's not just being comfortable in the cloth, but being comfortable in the mode. You could appear to be a ‘butch lesbian’ in the costume & ‘pass’ as a woman in the costume, but you & I both know that wouldn’t be in theme of a ‘sexy’ girl’s costume, would it?”

“No, Trainer Bill.” Paul was glad to see him coming back into training mode.

“No, you’ll need to appear feminine, but you’ll also need to appear ‘sexy’ and a lot of that is more than just being comfortable. Think about what makes a girl ‘sexy’ to you. Not just her dress or looks, but what about her moves and attitude would convey ‘sexy’ to you?”

“The way she walks, Trainer Bill.”

“Well, that has been a large part of it, but that’s probably one of the biggest differences for you. But picture you’re at a party and you see a cute girl across the room from you. Besides her outfit or look, what would make her appealing as opposed to unappealing? Is she happy & engaged, or she bored & withdrawn? If someone new comes in, is she sneering at them or greeting them with a smile & warm greeting?”

“Happy, I guess, Trainer Bill.”

“Exactly! She’s enjoying herself! There’s something said to being the ‘white knight’ and getting a woman to enjoy herself if she’s not been enjoying it, but if you try and she stays a cold fish, that is a major turn off.”

“ya, probably, Trainer Bill.”

“Okay, because of that, I’ve been trying to make this a pleasurable and happy experience to keep you in that state to start with, but now you need to take it to the next level,” Bill realized Paul had already taken it 10 levels beyond, so to level set he continued, “without going overboard. While you’re practicing the outfits, practice being happy; enjoy yourself.”

“’Practice being happy’, Trainer Bill?”

“This may sound odd to you, but in a lot of ways you can make your own happiness if you work on it mentally. Keep good, happy thoughts. Avoid negative energy. If you start getting upset, stop and smile. Think of something happy and then re-engage. Walk away if you need but walk away with a smile. Regardless of what all happened yesterday, realize it was your body giving you pleasure and accept it for what it was. Keep in mind most guys feel a drop after they orgasm, and your body pushed you to an **** height before you ripped it away. You crashed down hard, and it made you feel like crap. Acknowledge this and push down that negative drop and focus on the happy fun side of it. Think about how much fun it can be to tease your partner up to the edge of pleasure and hold them there before they finally go over the cliff. Just don’t push yourself to the edge without a parachute, and you can really enjoy it, don’t you think?”

“I’m not looking to play with someone at this party, Trainer Bill.”

Bill knew he would latch onto the wrong part of the statement, but couldn’t think of a way to relate it otherwise. “I'm not talking about the party; I’m talking about yesterday. Remember your body can bring pleasure to you & your partner. You don’t need to ‘play’ with anyone. Just smile and be happy; enjoy yourself at the party. Hire someone to take care of the party stuff & just be there and enjoy it. Think about how pleased Molly would be if you were enjoying yourself in the costume she picked out.”

Paul couldn’t deny that what he could remember before blacking out was phenomenal. Not sure he wanted to repeat it, but it wasn’t like it damaged him. Thinking back to how upset Molly would be if he really didn’t do it versus if he did show up and happy. Memories of various parties and happy thoughts & her smiling with him versus when he was running around & frustrated at trying to do things often leading to fights & arguments with Molly. “Ya, I guess so, Trainer Bill.”

“Alright, good.” Bill pushed the affirmation, “so, we’re not going to quit. We’re going to accept the mistake you made yesterday, learn from it and readjust our goal. We’re going to continue training and we’re going to stay happy about it. We’re going to get you passing & enjoying it ensuring Molly’s thrill and enjoyment at her big event. Right, Paulie?”

“Um, right, Trainer Bill.”

“No, Paulie, I need commitment from you. I can’t have you just stopping again in the middle of this. Yes, I know there is some selfishness in that I don’t want to waste time, but we both care about Molly, and I don’t want to see the rug pulled out from under again because of some silly tantrum. I need to hear and see firm commitment from you.”

Paul was a little surprised at the firmness, but he was aware of how big of a jerk he had been. He knew Bill was a trainer by trade, but he was surprised how motivated he suddenly felt. “Yes, Trainer Bill.”

“That’s better. We’ve spent a lot of time on this, but we still have time not to waste today. Go get dressed appropriately, get all prettied up, and come back here, and we’ll salvage this day.”

Paul was glad to see Trainer Bill hadn’t given up on him and started to get up, but then remembered what Trainer Bill said earlier, “get hot you mean, Trainer Bill?”

Bill wasn’t sure he heard him right or where he was going with this, “what??”

“Earlier.... you said if I was looking hot at the party, Trainer Bill... so I figured you’d want me to get all hot,” Paul said trying to hold back a blush.

Bill couldn’t help but laugh at his guile. Even after bringing him back to the brink, even his vanity could do a U-turn and shine through. “Maybe at the party if you work hard and improve, you might make it to ‘hot’, but that’s still a target you need to reach. Right now, just aim for ‘pretty’.”

“Yes, Trainer Bill,” Paul stood quickly with the thought ‘at least he thinks I’m ‘pretty’; just have to work harder.’ Returning to the disaster of clothes he just tossed in there like a petulant child. Grabbing the fresh gaff, bra, corset, skirt, top, & belt, he then turns to the tossed in mess retrieving the bra inserts, wedges, and discarded wig. Seeing the mess around the gadget and crust in the sling, he shivers remembering what it put him through, but he knew he needed to fix it for Trainer Bill later; he couldn’t leave it and the training aid in this state. Dressing quickly, Paul returned to his desk to do his makeup.

Bill was focused on spreadsheets and back-office things when he saw the wig covered Paul enter frame. “Oh, hey, Paulie. Glad you’re back,” shocking Paul out of his routine.

“Sorry, Trainer Bill. I usually use the computer to watch vids and like a virtual mirror of the camera.”

“Fair enough. You have the audio fixed up for the headphones, right? Just let me know when you’re done.”

“Um, yes, Trainer Bill.” Paul set up the earbuds, vocal training, and got to work on the face painting. Paul continued to try to tune out the idea of Trainer Bill watching him and finishing the task at hand. Feeling he’s spent enough time on this iteration. “I, uh, think I’m done, Trainer Bill.”

“Alright, now that you’ve gone all dressed and set up, things are still ok. Right? Nothing eating you up or attacking you?”

Paul blushed and shook his head seeing the wig swish in front of his face, chuckling at the absurd question, “no, Trainer Bill.”

“Good. Now, we’ve had to go over our time talking about this, so we haven’t been able to improve over yesterday, but we improved over the start of our session. So, while we need to close out for today, spend the rest of the time before Molly gets home practicing, then relax tonight & this weekend, enjoy your wife, and come back ready to go at the start on Monday because we have a lot to do to get back on track, but we can do it.”

Paul was revitalized that he was sure he could be someone to be admired, even desired, and please Molly & make her proud. “Yes, Trainer Bill!”

“Bye, pretty Paulie.”

Blushing at the silly name, Paul responded, “Bye, Trainer Bill.”

Paul immediately got up and went to clean up the mess from yesterday. Putting the clothes in the wash, he took the tools and grabbed his electronic sanitizing gear from his computer repair days and got to work cleaning the Gadget & training aid. Although he could only touch the gadget with the lightest of touches, he was sure it wouldn’t hurt him, but part of him was still afraid it was going to bite him. Getting everything clean and put away was comforting to his ordered brain.

Putting together an elegant dinner for Molly & himself, Paul got everything set and warming in the oven while he got changed back into regular clothes & cleaned himself up. Swapping out laundry in time for Molly to get home.

Molly walked in she was worried about what mood she was going to find Paul in; however, she was pleasantly surprised with the waft of an amazing smelling dinner and a very chipper, “hello, beautiful!” As he quickly swept her up in his arms, Paul immediately brought her into a deep, passionate kiss. Their impromptu make-out session was only paused after the oven alarm interrupted them.

Paul gently set her on a kitchen stool as she seemed unsteady as he got the dinner out. “Hello, to you too, Sir.” Molly was finally able to squeak out after her world came back into focus. Molly was concerned about what had had him so glum just this morning, but for him to be so ecstatic & playful, she was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. She figured she would enjoy this manic energy and confront him about it later. However, by the end of the weekend, their house was a veritable mess of the many ravenous and jovial experiences. With all of these encounters, the night of a grump quickly faded from Molly’s worries as playful sessions she hadn’t experienced in such compact quantity since college.