Susans diary

Dear diary,

today, the 17.04.23, was extraordinary. I continued my ****. Gina got a spanking by my hands. After a strange curse made her obidient to my commands I pursuit my goal to give her a payback. All the years from kindergarden to today I "had the honor to be her friend" and suffered her dominating horrible nature - maybe more than most.

And now that I can turn this around, I notice how I lack determination more and more. I even spared her 5 spanks a few hours ago becouse I felt guilty and felt compassion. I dont no why? How is it possible that I show compassion and feel responsibility towars Gina? Arent I supposed to hate her?

She seemed to really enjoy her new place below me. It is astounding how she changed. I learned of a new side of Gina, one I never would have been introduced to otherwise. I like to see her enjoying this kinky relation between us. But I am in conflict between my former intents of breaking her entirely and my new approach of training her, secretly loving this relation. Her as well.

We always were friends. I dont know when it got worse between us. Maybe the fifth class? Somehow she acted different of a sudden and saw me as her servant. But although there was this harsh sadistic person in her, she always cared for me. I think she could not recognize it herself. But our friendship was more than dependencies and exploitations.

If only that anger inside me hadnt grown so great. If only she had valued me more and our friendship. If only she had showed me her good side more often. Then I never would have done what I did to her. And I wouldt be in this conflict.

I must admit I really like it to use Gina, to humiliate her and to train her. Not out of **** anymore but out of sexual lust. What should I do now? I love to see, that it is the same with her. My life changed for the better, the world is more colorful and I feel true inspiration flooding every corner of my mind and being. Something wonderful is happening to me right now. With me.

I have to think about my next session with Gina all the time. I buyed some stuff that I can try out with her tomorror. Collar, leash, maybe a bowl...

I think I will play with Gina some more until I know what I am going to do. I am no bad person, I cant break her completly. I am not that spoiled and evil.

Am I?