Surprising Offer

Mayor Xander was rarely taken by surprise. A talented politician always had to be ready for a tough policy question or an unseemingly scandal being exposed. But this time he was surprised. “Wait, how many of you want to marry me?”

Four hands shot up. Well, technically five, Cordelia put up both not understanding it didn’t make a difference.

Let’s back up.

But first, check in on Giles.

-

“Ugh, this is sodding the worst,” Giles said as he laid in his chair a glass of whisky in one hand while looking at his fireplace. Which wasn’t even on. “Stupid California, too hot for a fire.”

The phone rang and he reached over to pick it up, “‘ello?”

“Ripper, it’s a pleasure to…”

“Oy, fuck off,” Giles said as he dropped the receiver and took another drink. Though something in his head told him he recognized that voice.

-

“Joyce, I presume you are a skilled typist?” Xander asked.

“I am a woman, after all, sir, it’s one of the few skills we have,” Joyce said eagerly.

“Yes, I’m sure you are a master of dictation,” Xander said as he patted her on the head. “Now, for my memoirs, this needs to be recounted.”

Joyce went and grabbed an old typewriter and brought it back to the living room where Xander, Buffy, Glory, and Cordelia were present.

Also Angel, even if none of them were aware of the ghost.

“So, let’s recount the events. We entered this house, not illegally, emergency powers, and found you cleaning.”

“Vacuuming, sir,” Joyce said. “I’d only vacuumed twice today after all, I was worried I was falling behind.”

“Quite. So I immediately started setting up a command center. Office for me, holding cell in the basement watched by Officer Baldy…”

“Sir,” Joyce said, nervous to interrupt. “Officer Baldy? I don’t get it. She has hair.”

“Well, not everywhere,” Xander said and got a blank look in return. “Inside joke. Anyway, Glory went up to the attic. Which is actually kind of disappointing, what if I needed you.”

“Sorry, I’ll never let you down again,” she whispered.

“No, I shouldn’t be so critical, you’ve had a tough day and as Mayor it’s my role to keep you safe,” he said as her face briefly was filled with a smile as she looked up at him. “Okay, after that we heard the commotion from outside. Cordelia?”

“Yes?” she asked blankly.

“Would you like to fill us in?”

“On what?”

“On…why were you being chased by demons.”

“Oh, is this my part. Yay! I’m an actress! Where’s my script?”

“No, just, tell us what happened. To you.”

“To me? Sorry, I don’t remember.”

Xander sighed, “Fine, we heard Cordelia running from demons for some reason. Naturally, I bravely rushed out to protect her.”

“Excuse me, wasn’t it the Officer who did that?” Joyce asked.

“Joyce, you’re a woman, and easily confused,” Xander told her. “Just write it like I told you.”

“Absolutely, sir,” Joyce said as she cursed herself for forgetting not to talk back to a man.

“Right. Then I began to put together our defenses. There were a surprising amount of weapons in this house. Hmmm, Officer, make a note that some bribes…I mean, fines, may be in order if these were not properly authorized. So we repelled a wave of attacks, anything else?”

“There were all of those weird noises,” Buffy pointed out, not realizing that had been Angel trying to get their attention.

“A minor concern, not worth recording,” Xander said. “So, all clear up to that point. Now this is where things get tricky, Joyce, you proposed marriage. Why?”

“Well, I know it was very forward of me,” Joyce said, nervously, “But a woman my age can’t wait around. And well, you are just the perfect example of a man. And I’d do everything for you. Cook, clean, raise the kids, and…well, bedroom things.”

“Yes, I understand the offer,” Mayor Xander said as he turned to Glory, “and then you attacked her and threw her across the room. You’re just lucky Officer Deepthroat was there to grab her.”

Joyce recorded what he was saying, impressed he was making a Watergate reference.

Glory sheepishly looked at her feet, “I’m sorry, but…you’re my one true love! Please, don’t leave me! I need you more than my own life!”

“Woah, woah, be calm my sweet girl,” Xander said as he stroked her cheek. “Now, Cordelia was it, why did you propose marriage?”

“Everyone else was doing it.”

“Solid reason. Officer?”

Buffy shrugged, “I thought it would interest you. If not, just say so and we’ll forget the whole thing.”

Xander took a few seconds to think, “Fine, I’ll marry you.”

“Really?” Glory said as she fell to her knees.

“Yay! Marriage!” Cordelia shouted.

“Um, I’m sorry, but you can’t marry more than one person,” Joyce said uncomfortably. “That’s just not done.”

“Oh, Joyce, don’t worry,” Xander said gently. “A man of my power can’t be expected to limit himself to a single woman, you know that, right? But you’ll be my legal wife.”

“I guess,” Joyce said, knowing it was the best she could get. Of course her man would sleep around, that didn’t mean she wanted to know about it.

“No marriage?” Cordelia asked on the verge of tears.

“Hey, listen to me, you’re a smart girl,” Xander lied. “You get something much better. A wife is so old fashioned. You’ll be my side chick.”

“Side chick?” Cordelia said as she stared at him. “Yay!”

Xander spun around before Glory could say anything as his voice dropped, “It’s tragic, that you, my one true love, will have to remain in the shadows while I keep up public appearances. My heart breaks every day and it is only the comfort of your arms that gets me up again. Now that emotionally, in my heart, you are my true wife.”

“Oh, I, love you so much,” Glory gushed.

Xander turned to Buffy and she held up a hand, “Don’t care. If you want it this way, I’m great.”

“Awesome, well I think that handles everyone.”

-

On the other side of Sunnydale

“Where is Giles?” Willow cursed as she tore through book after book. “Yes, here it is. Janus…and Venus. Oh, of course!”