Something New

Chewing on a chunk of meatloaf, my attention was focused on the girl across the table. I’d noticed a subtle shift in Kaylee’s behavior over the past few days. Her bright and upbeat demeanor hadn’t changed, and to an outsider, the change would have been impossible to detect. Being friends with her for years and dating her for months now, the difference was night and day. The tension in her shoulders and back had disappeared. Her smiles came easy, free from the stress and tension that had been building. Our intimate moments together, the few we had this week, were even more extreme. That demanding, selfish, and frustrated Kaylee was gone. In her place was a patient woman who was almost smothering in her kindness and attention. It seemed like her entire focus was on making me feel as good as possible. There was still a playful fight in her, but she was far more willing to let me set the pace. The pressure I felt when I was with her was absent now.

It was like a breath of fresh air. I could finally breathe and enjoy myself completely. The unspoken expectations Kaylee had for me were no longer there. Her entire purpose now was simply to be with me. I was liberated from the fears that Kaylee was silently judging me.

All it took was letting her have her way with another man.

Covering her mouth with her hand, she laughed at some joke my dad made. Looking my way, she caught me staring and gave me a radiant smile. I forced myself to return it before focusing down on my plate. Things were undeniably better. It had only been a few days too, and I was already feeling and seeing tangible results. Kaylee was happier. By extension, I was happier and growing more confident with myself. The last few times we had sex was by far some of the best yet. An improvement across the board without the silent pressure weighing down on me. I should have been satisfied. There seemed to be a balance now. Kaylee’s more selfish physical demands were being taken care of and she was throwing all that extra energy into our relationship.

I didn’t know how many times she had been with Charles. It would have been simple to learn the answer. A quick look at her Profile would have answered everything I wanted to know. I couldn’t bring myself to look. Knowing wouldn’t make things any better, and it wasn’t important. Besides, it had only been a few days and she had been with me for most of them. If I had to guess, it was only that first day—which I wasn’t sure if that was better or not. One fuck and this was the result? It completely trivialized all my struggles and effort up until now.

Dinner was nice. Kaylee and Paige managed to dominate most of the conversation. Surprisingly enough, neither brought up anything close to sex. That probably had more to do with my dad being there than their desire to talk about other things, but I was going to take the wins where I could get them. The only problem was my ability to join in. Kaylee tried once or twice to pull me in, but my heart and mind wasn’t in it. All I could think about was her and Charles. As much discomfort I had watching her with other guys, I found not knowing was worse. My imagination was running wild, creating endless unwanted situations and images.

The rest of the evening passed peacefully. We watched TV with my sister—or rather I watched and the two gossiped. I only half paid attention. Really wasn’t interested in who was sleeping with who or any drama regarding that. Once more, I was struck by the lack of mutual hobbies or interests Kaylee and I shared. We got on well enough. When we went on dates and hung out together there was never a dull moment, but a lot of that conversation was about school and listening to her talk about drama with her group of friends. It was a sharp contrast to what went on with Liam, Ally, and Sam. Everything there seemed so natural. We had inside jokes, memes, and were constantly tossing out references that would have flown over Kaylee’s head. Maybe I was just paranoid or looking for trouble. After all, it hadn’t been an issue at all earlier. We managed to become friends despite having relatively little overlap.

As expected, Kaylee made no effort to go home. Paige left us alone around midnight and we spent the next few hours snuggling on the couch watching TV. At least we shared some similar interests there, but that was mostly due to my rather large genre interest. Kaylee loved sappy dramas and I found them pretty entertaining too. The current one we were working through was one I was glad we watched alone. All romance and drama stuff had sex in them, but this was rather raunchy—not to mention explicit. There were times when I wondered if it was all a rather well-written porno rather than a show. Sex was pretty standard on network stuff, but the streaming domain went all out.

At two, we called it a night and got ready for bed. Kaylee wasted no time. Before I even closed the door, her shirt was off. The surprise came when she kept her underwear on. It must have shown on my face because when she finished pulling down the bed cover and looked my way, she smiled. “What? Want me to keep going?”

“Usually I’d be fighting you off me by now.”

“I figured you’d enjoy a break.” I said nothing, staring at her. Ryan’s words were already creeping their way through my brain folds, fanning the insecurities that resided there. She nibbled at her lower lip nervously. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to do that every time we are together. I know it was like that in the past but…”

But I wasn’t fucking someone else at the time, my mind finished automatically. Kaylee went in another direction with it.

“…I figured it might be better to let it happen more organically and not treat it as some check box we do every time we have time alone.” Her eyes lingered on me. “Is that okay?”

“Sure.”

And that was how I ended up in bed with Kaylee without sex. It was almost odd feeling her cuddled against me without all the hot and heavy stuff to get us there. Her presence beside me was calming, but it wasn’t enough to stop the anxiety and paranoia running through my mind as I stared at the ceiling. She noticed something was off though. No idea how she managed in the dark, but she knew.

“What’s wrong?” My mouth opened as my automatic response of, ‘Nothing’ queued up. “And don’t say ‘nothing.’ You’ve been distant all day.”

I turned my head to look her way. I couldn’t see much in the dark, but I didn’t need to. I knew she was doing the same. “I don’t know.”

A few seconds of silence followed. “You don’t know… or you don’t want to say?” Her voice was soft and I felt her shift against me.

Letting out a breath, I let my free hand run through my hair. Even that felt weird. I couldn’t wait for my hair to go back to normal. Fuck. Everything I did felt like I was doing it for her. My hair. Wanting to work out. More and more, it felt like I was nothing but a blip in her orbit. A pathetic asteroid trapped in the gravity well of a star, doomed to forever circle or fall and burn into nothing but cosmic dust.

I didn’t blame her. Kaylee was the type of person who knew what she wanted and worked to make it happen. For me, I’ve always drifted through life, which left me vulnerable to the whims of the tide. Even now, I didn’t know what I wanted. What I really wanted. For the longest time, dating Kaylee was my Big Goal that seemed impossibly out of grasp. I didn’t even work to accomplish that—Kaylee had taken care of that for me too. One of the things I wanted to do was take more control of my life, yet I had no direction to go in. The few times I tried putting myself out there and doing something ended in disaster. Paige and William. Sean and Sarah. Liam and the girls. Remove me from each one and they’d probably have resolved themselves better without my interference. Shit. Even my relationship was like that. One fuck with another guy and all the built-up tension and pressure evaporated like it never existed.

“Scott?” I felt her shift beside me. There was a note of concern in her voice.

“Just thinking about things. Nothing to worry about.”

“Maybe try thinking aloud? You know… So I can hear?” I chuckled, but it was met with silence from her. “I’m serious. You are a hard man to read. It feels like I have to pry every little detail out of you or go on hoping for the best.” I was hard to read? That was news to me. It always felt like she was reading me like an open book. When I didn’t answer her right away, she continued, though her voice dropped in volume. “Is this because of Charles?”

It was true Charles was a part of this, but he was a rather small issue in the grand scheme of things. I don’t think she would believe me if I said that wasn’t what was bothering me.

“I suppose,” I finally admitted. It was easier to admit to the small problem than talk about the underlying issues. There would be a time when I needed to face some of the deeper issues, but tonight wasn’t that night. It was a nice night and I wasn’t about to ruin it by opening that particular can of worms. I was already nervous enough as it was breaching this subject. Topics like this could go either way it seemed.

I felt her hand brush against my chest. “Talk to me. Please.”

A deep breath filled my lungs as I rubbed my forehead. “I… I don’t really know what to say.”

“How about start with the first thing that comes to mind?”

My heart seemed to be pounding as I continued to stare at the ceiling. First thing that came to mind? “Did you fuck him?”

That was lame. A stupid question considering I already knew the answer to that. I think it surprised her too because she didn’t answer right away.

“Yes.” I closed my eyes. Really didn’t know what I expected.

“More than once?”

“I’m not answering that.” Opening my eyes, I looked over to where she was lying against me. I couldn’t see her face, which made this whole affair all the more challenging. Considering how open she usually was about things, her answer came as a shock. “You need to check my Profile.”

I bristled at that. Checking her Profile was the last thing I wanted to do. It was strange, but asking her like this seemed easier than checking the app. Not to mention it felt like I was spying on her. “Why? I can just ask you.”

“You need to get into the habit of monitoring me. You know what I’m like and I need you to tell me when I need to tap the brakes.”

“You make it sound sinister. I trust you.”

“I know, but it will help me to know that you are keeping an eye on me. I don’t want to fuck this up. This means too much to me.” I felt her nudge me. “Check the app.”

“Now?”

“Now.”

I sighed, reaching over for my phone. Fumbling around, I managed to find it. The screen temporarily blinded me. I took the time to glance over at Kaylee. She was wearing a serious expression, patiently waiting for me to do what she asked. Attention back on the phone, I unlocked my phone and went to the app. Navigating through menus, I pulled up her profile. Sure enough, Charles’ name was there. I hit the lock button and put my phone back on the desk. Seemed like she only did it once with him. So far at least.

“Scott?”

“Hmm?”

“Remember that whole thing about thinking out loud? Still need to do that.”

I resisted the urge to sigh again. “So it was only once.”

“Oh, it was more than once. Just… that one day.”

“So far.”

“So far,” she agreed.

A few heartbeats passed and I felt her hand find mine, squeezing it. I couldn’t see her, but I knew what she was waiting for. She wanted me to think out loud, so here it was. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Honestly? It was a bit of a letdown.” I was surprised to hear that, and maybe a tad bit happy too. “I mean, it wasn’t bad by any stretch. Charles isn’t the type I normally go for anyways so that probably had something to do with it. He has endless charisma, but that doesn’t necessarily transfer to bedroom skills. Still, it was… nice.”

“You going to switch already?”

“Nah. It wasn’t that bad,” she said with a chuckle. “If anything, he has stamina. During our second round, there was a time when I thought—” She stopped suddenly, realizing what she was talking about and to who. “Sorry. You don’t want to hear about that.”

She was right. Right? I didn't want to hear about this. It was all my horrid imagination come to life. It was bad enough having all those images spring to life not knowing if it was true or not. If she started talking about things, all the images would be true.

Yet...

“Thought what?” I asked feeling the knots already forming in my stomach. Couldn't tell if they were from dread or excitement.

A brief pause. “That it was never going to end,” she answered in a soft voice.

“You cum?”

“Scott…”

“Did you cum?”

A few heartbeats of silence followed. “Numerous times.” My hand ran through my hair. “Are you sure you want to talk about this?” Her voice was filled with concern and her hand was gripping mine tightly.

“Don’t want to tell me?”

“You know that isn’t it. I thought you wouldn't like hearing about this.”

“This isn’t the first time you’ve told me explicit stuff about what you did with someone in bed.” Certainly wasn’t the same intensity as watching it either.

“True, but we weren’t dating then and I was usually ranting about how bad it was rather than good. This… If this is something you want to know, it is going to come up a fair bit.”

“I don’t know,” I said as I focused on a point above me. “I feel... something... hearing about it all. Discomfort? Anger? Not sure. Yet I really don’t know if I can afford not to. All through dinner, all I could think about was you and him. My mind wouldn’t let it go. Every time I looked at you, all I did was think about all the depraved things he did to you.”

“Depraved is a bit extreme…” There was a slight hesitation. “Besides, you have that backward.” I winced at that. Another thing I figured but was hoping to ignore it. Plenty of first-hand experience told me Kaylee was anything but passive when it came to sex. Knowing her, she was far more likely to be the instigator of things. “So,” she said, her voice much closer than it had been before. “Do you want me to tell you about all the depraved things I did to him?” There was a sultry tone to her voice. I couldn’t see her, but I heard it. Excitement was practically dripping from her voice as she shifted against me.

“Are you getting turned on by this?”

“Maybe? Just a little.” That was a lie, but from her playful tone, I could tell she meant for me to know that. She was completely into it. “We could give it a try? See how it goes?”