Slaanesh (Warhammer 40k)

"Wait! You arranged a marriage for me with Slaanesh, the Chaos God of pleasure, excess, and decadence?" Your jaw drops as you stare at your parents in utter disbelief.

Your father adjusts his glasses with the calm of a man discussing the weather. "That's the one, son! Your bride is Slaanesh, the Prince of Pleasure, the Dark God devoted to earthly gratification, the overthrow of decency, and hedonism for its own sake!"

"Also the god of obsession," your mother adds brightly, flashing a thumbs-up. "The Master of Excess in all things. Gluttony, lust, megalomania. Really well-rounded, if you ask me. We think she’s the best wife you could possibly have!"

You stand there, mouth opening and closing like a fish dragged onto land. "How did you even manage to pull this off?" you finally manage, voice thin with disbelief.

"Oh, it was easy," your father says, waving a hand dismissively, his mustache twitching. "A bit of blood magic. Some chanting in a language no one has spoken for centuries. Danced around a bonfire. Offered up the neighbors as human sacrifices. You know. The usual."

"Like every good arranged marriage," your mother agrees with a satisfied nod.

You stare at them. Then stare harder. "Are you two okay? I’ve heard that even looking at Slaanesh can drive people insane, and you just… summoned her?"

Your father shrugs. "Never better, son."

"We’re perfectly sane!" your mother says, giving you another thumbs-up as you stare at them with growing suspicion. Their smiles are just a bit too wide, possibly symmetrical in a way that violates several laws of biology.

Somehow, some way, you’re about to enter an arranged marriage with Slaanesh from Warhammer 40k.

At least the sex will be good... right?