Side Plan 1: Lois gets an assignment, but Lois gets no satisfaction

Perry White looked at the report in his hand. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. What in Tarnation's name was that madman up to now?

Well, he knew one way to find out.

He looked around the newsroom. He frowned, slightly. "Olson!"

"Yeah, Chief?" Jimmy Olson popped up from his own desk, dashing over. He was in suspenders and a button down, though his bow tie was untied and his top button was undone. If you gave Perry a week he couldn't describe how ridiculous Olson looked.

"Where's Kent? Or Lane? In fact, forget Kent. Where's Lane? And Olson?"

"Don't call you chief?"

"Smart boy. So?"

"I dunno. I haven't seen Mister Kent all day. Miss Lane said he was working on a big story."

"Which means inevitably he's working hard and then Lois will scoop him at the last second, and Kent will fail to file any story at all." Perry rubbed the bridge of his nose again.

"...is he in trouble, Ch- Mister White?"

"Trouble? Far from it." Perry smiled a bit, despite himself. "When Lane scoops Kent out of a big story, she ups her game considerably. Probably to rub it in. I don't care if Kent ever gets another byline so long as Lane keeps annoying him with prize-winning journalism. So where's Lane?"

"Well..." Jimmy looked around. "She was here. Her bag's still on her desk, so she's probably still in the building..."

"Well, find her! I've got a job for her."

Jimmy looked around. "Well... where am I supposed to look for--"

"Oh for God's sake."

Perry and Jimmy turned. Cat Grant had pushed up from her own desk. "I'll go get her," she said. "Jesus. Next time, just text her or something."

Jimmy watched Cat storm out of the newsroom. "Well, that was rude," he said, finally.

Cat obviously didn't hear him. Instead, she stormed to the Ladies' room, pushing inside.

Cat paused, sniffing the air.

Oh fuck. She knew that smell. That smell... that wasn't pee.

There were a pair of legs under one stall. No one else, as near as she could see. And the legs were wearing slacks -- pushed down for the purpose at hand -- and a pair of running shoes -- haute couture, a la Lane. "Lois?" she asked.

"...yeah?"

"Perry's screaming for you."

"...'kay. Tell him... tell him I'll be..."

"Right out?" Cat took a deep breath, and leaned on the frame of the stall, next to the door. "Lois, hon? You've been in here for ninety minutes, give or take."

There was no answer.

"Lois?"

"That... that's a long time."

"Oh Lois. It's just... it can't be that big a deal. And if you keep that up, you're gonna chafe. Trust me. I've done it. And God, I hope your nails are trimmed."

"And what else? Hair on my palms? Will I go blind?"

"Lois--"

"Cat... I've never felt like this," Lois said, almost hissing.

Cat paused. She took a deep breath, then let it all out. "I'm comin' in," she said, turning and pushing at the stall door.

It wasn't latched particularly well, popping in with Cat's push. Lois didn't apparently move to stop her--

Cat blinked.

Lois was sitting on the toilet, pants and panties down as Cat had noticed. She was lying back, legs splayed. Her hand was between her legs. Her shirt was unbuttoned halfway and she'd fished one breast out of her bra. Her nipple looked red from twisting. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot, and her makeup was at least a little smudged. She was soaked with sweat, and stared up at Cat without a word.

"...holy fuck, Lois," Cat said. She looked around, as though double checking no one else was in the bathroom."

"...Cat... it's like it's right there and I can't reach it and it's driving me insane like nothing I've ever felt..."

"I can see that. Okay. Okay. Um... okay. Hang on. We're gonna get you up and out of this--"

"I'm so close, Cat!"

"No. You're not. C'mon. We're gonna clean you up. Okay?"

"...'kay."

Cat reached in, helping the disheveled reporter up. It took a bit, but they got her clothing composed and Cat made Lois wash her hands thoroughly, while she grabbed out a comb and worked on her hair. "...seriously. Lois... you look like me."

Lois stared in the mirror. "Holy shit," she mumbled. "I do."

"Right? No fair, Lane. You're the top reporter and you got Clark all to yourself. Don't you fucking dare take my title as office trainwreck away from me, too. Okay. Here. Lemme get your makeup adjusted." Despite her tone, Cat was clearly worried about Lois as she cleaned her up.

"...Cat, you're... you're a better friend than we--"

"Shut up, Lois. We don't talk about that. You all hate me. We have equilibrium. Don't go ruining it with feelings and honesty." She nodded. "There. We--"

She paused. "Hang on." She sniffed Lois again.

Damn it.

"Hang on," she said, again. She fished out a small black tube with a blue light on the end. She clicked it on and sucked it in, deep, then leaned over and blew mist out, slowly and evenly, over Lois's top. A sickly sweet strawberry scent hit the air.

"You're not supposed to vape in here," Lois said, weakly.

"You're not supposed to fap yourself into a coma in here, but here we are."

"I thought dudes fapped."

"Shut up. I could have said 'schlick' but I've got class." She kneeled, sucking in more vape and blowing it along Lois's crotch. She gave it a second dose to be sure.

She stood back up. "Okay, you smell terrible. That's an improvement. Let's go."

Perry snorted as Cat and Lois walked over to his corner of the newsroom. "It's about time, you--"

Perry paused. "Jesus Christ, what the Hell happened to you?"

"...I--"

"Jesus, Perry. I don't ask you about your personal life. Don't ask me about mine," Cat snapped, as though he'd addressed her, instead.

"You ask me about my personal life constantly." He sniffed. "Damn it, I told you to stop vaping in the bathroom."

"It's medicinal."

"It's nicotine."

"...there are medical applications for nicotine."

Perry rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Lane -- do you have anything decent to wear on hand here?"

"...uh... just the old white pleated skirt, lavender coat combo."

"...dear Lois. The nineties ended. Love, Cat."

"Okay, go down to the gym, take a shower, change into it, and get over to Lexcorp by six p.m. Luthor's announced that he's got an announcement."

"He could have just made the announcement," Cat said. "Save everyone some time."

"What do we know?"

"Only that he's going to 'right a wrong made years ago,' whatever that means. Seven to two it's going to involve blaming Superman for something Superman didn't do."

"No bet." Lois took a deep breath. "I'm not... feeling my best, Chief."

"Take Dayquil, take that shower, and take a taxi to LexCorp. Time to be a reporter. And Lois?"

"Don't call you Chief?"

"Everyone remembers that, but no one ever remembers that. Cat, stay here."

"Oh boy. Time for a lecture." She threw Lois a quick grin, and Lois smiled gratefully in return before heading for the elevator.

"...what the Hell's wrong with her," Perry muttered.

"Girl troubles. Menstruation. Whatever else I need to say to gross you out so you'll drop it," Cat answered.

"Good luck with that. Alice and I have been together a long time. If no one's ever gone down on you during your period before now--"

"Perry! That's inappropriate!" Cat was grinning, despite herself. She'd known Perry outside of work for a long time. It was one reason he never fired her. Well, that and the fact she actually was good at her job.

"Damn right. What's wrong with her?"

Cat looked back at Perry. "Let it go, Chief."

Perry looked at Cat. "Okay. And Cat--"

"Fuck you, Chief. I'll call you whatever I want. You just gave me golden lawsuit material. I'm gonna go write it down in my **** diary."

"You do that." Perry watched Cat go, then sat back down at his desk. Jesus. Both those girls needed to get laid, already.